The stockings were hung…

Way back in April of 2005, I hit the jackpot and married one of the best guys out there.  Right after that I went off the pill and started the whole “we’re not trying but if it happened it’s alright” thing.  That December, before infertility ever crossed my mind, I bought a set of 4 stocking holders.  That December I was fine with just using 2 of the holders.  After all, we were just having fun being newlyweds and I didn’t expect to be pregnant yet.  I knew nothing of charting, basal temperatures, or anything like that. There was no reason why 2 healthy young people wouldn’t be able to conceive.  Infertility was what happened to other people, right?. 

December 2006 was harder.  We crossed over from “having fun” to “trying”.  And I was close to associating “trying” with failing.  I had just made an appointment with my gyno to talk about why a healthy 30 year old had spent 2 years NOT getting pregnant.  I cried as I put out 2 of the stocking holders and saw the other 2 in their boxes. 

December 2007.  Holy suckage.  Coming off a miscarriage and failed IUI this time of my life holds the record for being the darkest.  Looking back, I am amazed I made it through.  I forced myself to put up a tree but that was it.  There were no decorations or stockings out that year.  I just couldn’t do it and spent most of the holiday season partaking in another holiday tradition…drinking my face off.

December 2008.  Sweetness was here!  The stockings went up and this time I cried happy tears as I took the 3rd stocking holder out of its’ box.  I knew the 4th one was there but it didn’t really register.  It was my baby’s first christmas and that was all that mattered.

December 2009.  Children do take the sting out of infertility but there are plenty of reminders that open the wound and pour a little salt in there.  Seeing that 4th box did just that.  Yes, I had an adorable little girl entranced with the lights but there was still something missing.  And talks had already begun on how we could afford filling that gap and when we should head back to the drs.

December 2010.  All 4 stocking holders are in use, hanging over the fire place in our new house nestled deep in suburbia.  Again, I cried as I hung them.  It’s symmetrical and even.  It’s perfect.

Only took 5 years…

December 5, 2010. Uncategorized.