the unexplained

I’ve been thinking alot about our unexplained diagnosis and have been sitting on this post for awhile. I was hoping it would become less bitter and angry over time but since it hasn’t I guess I just have to roll with my feelings.

Society doesn’t really put too much stock into things that are unexplained. UFO’s, psychics, seeing Jesus in toast, life on other planets, etc. As adults if we can’t see it, touch it, or smell it, we don’t seem to believe it’s true. Just think of how quickly we ditch Santa Claus as kids because no one can explain how someone flies through the night dropping off presents (and that would be a great one to believe!). We’re skeptical, cynical by nature.

I’m guilty of it too. At work, I discuss with the parents of my students the importance of using e.vidence based treatments and not to believe people’s claims of overnight fixes and recoveries. I want to see data. When working with my students and in writing their treatment plans, I talk about things I can see and hear. It’s more objective, less open to interpretation, and in my opinion, more valid.

So where does that leave me? I’m unexplained…does that make my infertility any less valid? I certainly don’t think so. But I can’t get it to mesh with the rest of my thinking. And when I tell other people (the few that I have told), they say “oh good, nothing’s wrong”. Nothing’s wrong!! Are you fucking kidding me?!?! Something is seriously fucking wrong here. My body is broken and no one can seem to tell me why. How on earth can nothing be fucking wrong. We’re on 16 months of actively trying and 28 months without using any birth control. B.rittney Spears would be pregnant 3 times over at this point.

I keep searching and searching for an actual answer. I seriously think even Google is tired of me at this point. I am not OK with the unexplained. Mr H tells me I should be and I should be happy that I don’t need surgery, etc…that nothing is wrong. I’m not happy and something is wrong! No one would be OK being told they have unexplained cancer, that the doctors don’t know what kind or where it is or how to treat it but they’ll start you on something that has worked for a bunch of other people. Why should I (or any of us) be OK with that just because the topic is infertility?

And it’s not that I want a quick fix…I just want to know that it can be fixed. And in order to know that, I need to know what is wrong, what part is broken. It’s killing me that they can’t label it and that no one knows.

I’ve become a research whore at this point, trying to gather as much information as I can. Guess it’s all I can do…

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October 3, 2007. IF.

15 Comments

  1. LJ replied:

    Ah, Jesus in Toast.I think, when I have my sanity, that we’re more knowledgeable of how it SHOULD be than science has caught up to yet. We’re semiunexplained, as in, the treatments we have overcome the lack of ovulation, but that hasn’t helped me get knocked up, so I;m unexplained. It’s a crapshoot, and that’s just the suck of it all. What works for someone may hinder someone else, and there’s no seeming rhyme or reason to it. I think you’re entitled to any anger you have about it…

  2. jenna sais quoi replied:

    hehehe…I love that correlation- my unexplained infertility is in the same category as seeing the image of the Virgin Mary on a tortilla. You’re definitely entitled to your anger. Let’s face it, when something goes wrong, we are conditioned to want a concrete answer and, you know, fix it! Who wouldn’t be angry when you go in for a bunch of invasive and expensive procedures, and they just shrug and say, “I’m stumped! That’ll be $14,000 please.”

  3. JJ replied:

    Unexplained: what a BIG word–it encompasses so many things. In one aspect, I know you must hope that the doctors could find SOMETHING to tell you–but in another, I dont want to wish “a problem” on you…When we got our diagnosis of MFI, I did have a moment of “Ah ha-thats it!” But now we have to deal with it…A long rambling of sorts, but Im trying to say there is no easy way out of feeling anger, bitterness, rage against any of the diagnosis that any of us get…I hope your frustration subsides, and that there isnt a long wait for you in the unexplained world…

  4. Fertilize Me replied:

    I have to agree with JJ. I do not feel IF is less valid if you do n ot have a “diagnostic code to catagorize it under”. I was told that I had unexplained for yrs ( 2 to be exact). Then all of a sudden, I have PCOS. Even with the AH-HA moments of the diagnosis, it’s still a guessing game on how to overcome it. I am not trying to invalidate your feelings. They are yours and you get to feel how you are feeling. I hope that writing this post helps you start to heal and allow yourself some liberty and peace in the diagnosis of unexplained.

  5. Diana replied:

    That does suck. I gotta say I was a bit glad I got a diagnosis of high FSH, it meant I would start menopause about 10 years early but hey I had something to point a finger at. I am sorry you don’t have a specific monster to scream at. It’s just not fair at all.

  6. Geohde replied:

    I always think of ‘unexplained’ as ‘un-currently-investigatable-cause’ infertility.Big difference.Unexplained implies there’s no reason, which is poppycock.Univestigatable puts the limitation where it truly lies, with our testing.

  7. Kristen replied:

    Being unexplained really blows. While I have been diagnosed with ovulatory dysfunction, it seems my losses are unexplained. Nobody knows why we have miscarried twice and so I’m left wondering WTF?Unexplained just means it has YET to be explained. To me, it does not mean that there is no explanation at all. An explanation exists and is just waiting to be found out. Your pain is just as valid as someone with a diagnosis. XOXO

  8. Trish replied:

    I think the unknown is scary because people can’t control it. If you have X problem you can do Y to at least TRY to fix it. If you don’t know what the problem is, what do you do? I think it’s the same reason people blame the victims in rape cases. (Follow me here.) Because it’s easier to FIX a woman being slutty/dressing bad/lying. The fact that someone you don’t know, or someone that you trust can suddenly turn out to be an evil bastard.. How do you fix that? How do you keep it from happening to you? So if the problem is that a woman dressed like a slut, then we just won’t dress like a slut, and then we’re safe.. Right? Obviously I think that’s BS, but I really think that’s why people think that way. Same thing with IF. The idea that you may never have a child is scary and painful. How do they comfort you through that? The idea that sometimes everything *seems* okay but really isn’t.. well.. that means maybe there could be something wrong with them, too. it’s MUCH easier on the mind to think that you’re just crazy. Cuase if you’re crazy/stressed/impatient/not doing it right, and *I* am not any of those things.. then it can’t happen to me. And if you’re any of those things, I can fix it. I can just tell you to relax/have more sex/be patient. Basically, we can control it. That’s a lot easier than accepting that something is ACTUALLY wrong and we have no control. It’s BS. The fact of the matter is that bad things do happen to good people. Maybe God has a reason, maybe not. I don’t know. But whatever is going on, it’s out of our hands. And that’s scary as hell. I think we’re just all secretly (or not so secretly) control freaks.

  9. chicklet replied:

    I’m with you on this – being unexplained sucks. It’s not that I want something to be wrong, but if something were, I’d know if it was fixable or not. Being unexplained means I know squat. Which blows.

  10. dmarie replied:

    I hate being told I should be happy because__________(fill in the blank). My hubby is guilty of that too. Hate that!! I imagine being unexplained is maddening! I’m sorry you’re feeling bitter, but I think it’s totally justified.

  11. ~Carrie replied:

    I couldn’t agree more. ‘Unexplained’ means they just haven’t found the reason yet because there has to be *something* and it is so, so frustrating. I’m right there with you.

  12. Laksh replied:

    You echo my thoughts exactly! How can one be ‘normal’ and yet the one thing we want so much not happen.. specially when everyone around us seems to be either pregnant or with a baby. Life is unfair. 😦

  13. Denise replied:

    Hi, I came to this post from the Creme and your words express my feelings exactly. It’s like the saying if a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? To me the answer is yes, of course it makes a sound. It doesn’t matter that no one is there to hear it. Just because medical science hasn’t come far enough to identify whatever problem we have, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. It is frustrating to know that you put so much time, energy, and money into something that is really just trial and error.

  14. Jen replied:

    You put this perfectly. Our society really does like things to be explained. I think that is why we get so many “just relaxes”. It gives “them” an explanation.

  15. Kathy V replied:

    I came via the creme. Thanks for this post. I love the fact that you addressed that just because it works for somebody else doesn’t mean it will work for me. I feel like I fall more and more into this category. Nobody can explain why I’m not able to get pregnant now when I was able to once before. The whole thing is just so frustrating. Thanks again.

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