what to say?

I’ve been reading all of your eloquent end of the year posts and am left somewhat speechless. I really do not know what to say.

As ready as I am for 07 to be over, it being over brings to light all of our failures from last year, the broken promises and expectations, the tears, the arguments. Part of me doesn’t want it to end, because if it doesn’t, then there’s still a chance. Don’t get me wrong, there were some good moments too…most notably suddenly realizing I’m not alone in all this crap. This IF community is the one silver lining in all this crap. I remember calling Mr H on the way home from my first get together with the DC ladies back in August. He asked how it was (because I was SOOOO nervous beforehand) and if it made me sad, did we only talk about IF stuff. I said great, that they were all normal woman and we talked about normal stuff. He replied that of course everyone was ‘normal’, but that is when it first struck me, that I was still a normal person, just a normal person dealing with a ton of crap. And it took meeting this fantastic group of women to make me realize that I wasn’t some sort of freak or something.

So 07 does have some things lined up in the plus column. But what scares me the most is that in 2008 our journey to get pregnant will, for better or worse, be over. That’s not to say we won’t have a family, but this is the year that will determine if we have a biological child or not. And that scares the crap out of me. As I sit here convinced that this IUI did not work, I wonder how much more of this I can do. I really do not think I can be one of those women doing IVF after IVF. I’m so emotionally fragile as it is, I don’t know where I will find the strength for all that.

So while 2007 brought some disappointment with it, 2008 brings unknowns…and that to me is scarier.

I’ll try to end on a positive note here. We are making the yummiest dinner tonight. Filets topped with lobster. So excited for our surf and turf! Not sure what the sides will be, but they aren’t that important to me. Last year we decided to stay in, make ourselves a nice dinner, open one of the good bottles of wine, and just celebrate quietly and it was one of the better new years. This year I’ll be good and only have a small sip of wine but I’m so excited for dinner!

I hope everyone has a wonderful night and 2008 brings us whatever it is we dream of!

December 31, 2007. feelings, iui #2, ramblings. 14 comments.

Lots of random things

My brain is all over the place today. Here’s just a small sampling. And just a warning, there’s one WAY TMI question, it’s last so feel to skip it if you don’t want to know that much about me.

– the sports bra trick is no longer as effective as it used to be. Today I went down the stairs too quickly and ouch! Makes me mad that it’s just pr.ometrium.

– while we’re talking about pr.ometrium. I f-ing hate it. I must have gotten lucky last time around and it didn’t mess with my mood. But now I’m borderline clinical. I swear, I wouldn’t get dressed at all if Mr H didn’t need to be constantly entertained. Being off work definitely doesn’t help. I’ve got nothing to take my mind off of every little twinge.

– When I logged onto y.ahoo this morning, they had a piece about this preacher that has come up with (and is of course selling) the Adam and Eve diet. I am not posting a link because I do not want to give this anymore attention than it has already gotten. Seriously people?!?!? Of course their diet was healthier, there was nothing fried, no doughnuts, breads, candy, soda, chips, cookies, etc, etc. They probably ate nuts, berries, and the occasional small animal they managed to catch. Oh, and don’t forget about the fruit! I just hate how people package up the same recommendations in different ways to make money and the fact that this preacher has wrapped it into a religious context irks me even more. I’ve been ranting about this all day long to just about anyone who’ll listen. Thanks for being a captive audience.

– so you may remember yesterday when I posted I was up for 2 hours with really weird cramping. I made the unfortunate mistake of giving my kitty some lovin‘. So this morning, at 4:13 I felt a cold little nose rubbing mine purring. Very cute, but I was very much asleep. I felt really bad kicking him out of the room. I was then up for the next 2 hours wondering why I didn’t have those weird intense cramps anymore. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t

ok, here’s the tmi question. It’s for all you ladies who’ve used the f-ing pr.ometrium suppositories. They cause me to get quite….um….irritated. I’ve got all these little, painful bumps down there. Last time I freaked out and called the dr, thinking I had somehow gotten some random disease from the actual iui. I’ve tried changing the pantiliner more often, ‘freshening up’ more often. I even went a little more daring in my last bikini wax but I think that made it worse. Any tips, advice, assvice….anything? It really freakin hurts. Plus, I’m vain and I made myself Ok with having a moldy looking cooch but it is completely different story when you’ve got a moldy cooch with sore-like things on it. Nasty. If I had the slightest interest in sex, it’s loooong gone.

Counting down the days until vacay is over, haven’t crossed half of the things off the to-do list…but I have taken plenty of naps!

December 29, 2007. ramblings, side effects. 12 comments.

Dirty rotten liar

Yup, that’s me. A no-good, good for nothin‘ liar. A mere 2 days ago I said I was NOT going to read into every ache and twinge. I would NOT set myself up like that. And that every day I was going to recognize that this has a much higher chance of not working.

Yeah…well…I lied. But I said all of those things before some really weird shit started happening. Since I know you are all on the edge of your seats, I’ll share every little detail. It all started with flossing (oral hygiene is important people). As I leaned over my sink and reached up to get the floss, my lower abdomen pressed into the countertop. Totally normal thing, probably happens dozens of times any given day. But yesterday it hurt. And I mean it really hurt. It made me gasp out loud and stop what I was going. When I pressed down, my abdomen was hard. Very bizzare. Then last night, I had weird, intense cramping that woke me out of a sound sleep. Now the last time I had that intense cramping that woke me up at night, it was 2 days before the positive in my chemical pregnancy (not that I really want to use that experience as a reference point, it’s just all I’ve got). I was up for 2 hours with cramps that would not go away.

Now I’m only 6dpiui. Rationally, I know it’s on the early side for implantation but nothing about this whole experience is rational. I lost rational thought about a year ago. So now I know that I am going to drive myself crazy for the next week. And that I’ve let Hope sneak in the side door, when I had done such a good job keeping her out.

On the plus side, I found a way to ignore the boobs. Since they really are the biggest liars. Sports bra. Keeps them in so nice and tight, I don’t feel a thing. So it’s one obsession I’ve managed to avoid.

Can I just say one more thing about why this better f-ing work? Because we met people at C.actus C.antina last night and I did not have a margarita…that better not be for nothing people!

(thanks for reading along with my nonsense)

December 28, 2007. 2ww, iui #2. 17 comments.

Merry christmas!

It was so fun to read everyone’s christmas posts this morning.

We had a pretty good christmas on our end. Neither Mr H or I stuck to the limit we set so I walked away from the day with sparkly new diamond earrings and he is the proud owner of a new flat screen tv. It’s only money, right?!?! We both rationalized it by saying we’ve had a hard year.

The big surprise of the day was a very large check from my parents. I still haven’t read the accompanying note completely since I cry every time I start. While I still think they don’t completely get what we are going through, it was very nice for them to recognize at least one aspect of it. And it’ll certainly help the cause.

Since this is the first December break we haven’t gone out of town, we are gearing up for some home improvement and crossing things off our to-do list (like yesterday when I realized BOTH tail lights are out on the back of my car….oops). So today was the vet (poor little guy got a clean bill of health though) and the car. Tomorrow, we’re painting our bedroom. We’ve lived here 3 years and it is still two-toned from the previous owners…who for some reason, were very into two-toning rooms.

All of this is to trick myself into keeping busy and not perseverating on this 2ww. I am having such a hard time not being overly hopeful, given that so far, this is the best chance we’ve had. I promised I would not read into every twinge I get but it’s too late on that one. At least I know to not trust a single thing that comes from the boobs…they’re dead to me. For some reason, the pr.ometrium isn’t having all of the same side effects it did the last 2 times I took it. I am free flowing, not backed up at all! Of course, this makes me wonder if it is really working.

Enough ramblings. If you’re back at work today, I hope it’s at least slow for you. And if not, enjoy your vacay!

December 26, 2007. 2ww, iui #2. 12 comments.

You’ve reached the end of the in.ternet

Yup, I have. I was just obsessively googling (what else is a girl supposed to do during the 2ww) and googled my own blog. I’ve come full circle, there’s nothing else out there for me. Funny thing is, I certainly don’t have the answer!

I love this quiet before the holidays. We slept in, cleaned a little, and ran some errands (BAD idea to wait until today to go to the grocery store). We’re hosting Christmas Eve dinner…but I’m taking the slacker route and doing a ham.
Had a really weird experience last night. Went out with a bunch of girlfriends, some of whom have moved away and are back in town for the holiday. After dinner we were at someones apartment and they all started talking about the bcp. I felt so out of the conversation. I haven’t taken bcp in 2.5 years. Apparently there are new ones out there! I wanted to shake this one girl who says even with her pill she hasn’t gotten a period in 4 months….but her dr isn’t worried! I wish I knew her better, so I could just tell her to be more proactive.
And since I finally decorated….here’s a few pics!
Our tree-I realized we’re missing a box of stuff, so it’s a little sparse

The stockings are hung on the bookcase with care. The little one in the middle is kitty’s 😉


And speaking of…here’s how he ‘helped’ decorate 😉

December 24, 2007. holidays, ramblings. 10 comments.

37 million!

Mr H is feeling like quite the stud this morning. 37 mil is our best post wash count yet. It was also his best pre-wash at 109 million. My only concern now is that my husband likes bad porn way too much. On the drive to breakfast after his ‘appointment’, he ranted and raved about the selections in the man room, that it was mostly just guy on guy. He went as far as to say it caused a derection and that I shouldn’t get my hopes up for a good number. So now I’m a little worried about him.

Now the balancing act starts. That fine line between hope and realism. Hope brings about expectations….which just leads to disappointment. It is so hard not to be excited about this cycle. They’re sure I had at least 3, maybe 4 follicles. Add the count results to that and how can a girl not get her hopes up?!? But I had such a hard fall earlier this month, I want to do a better job at not setting myself up to be hurt like that. They scheduled my beta for Jan 7…which will be 16dpiui…that is SOOOOO long. How on earth I am going to manage to wait THAT long? Time to make a trip to the dollar store I think

In other news, still fighting this stupid cold. Took a 3 hr nap today, hoping that kicks it out of my system. And I managed to come up with some holiday cheer last night. We had fun decorating the tree and I wrapped all of the presents. It does make me smile to see the tree all decorated, the stockings, and of course, the presents! Out to dinner and drinks with some friends that are back in town for the holiday. I’ll be trying the subtle, nursing one drink thing. We’ll see how it goes.

December 22, 2007. 2ww, iui #2. 14 comments.

Protected: more ramblings

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December 21, 2007. family, feelings, iui #2, ramblings. Enter your password to view comments..

Protected: morning wanding *update at bottom

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December 20, 2007. family, iui #2. Enter your password to view comments..

Kind of a blah day.
Came home from work early hoping to catch up on some sleep to kick this cold. As ridiculous as it sounds given what I’m doing to get pregnant, I actually am very anti-medication. I hardly ever take anything (well, again, aside from all these IF meds). Last night I caved and took some nose spray so I could breathe. Still ended up waking up around 4 all congested. So while the cl.omid side effects are gone, I still can’t freaking sleep.

Had a really hard time with my f.ollistim injection last night. It was almost as if the needle was dull, I couldn’t get it to pierce the skin and then when I did, it really hurt. As long as it all got in there and works though I’ll be ok. I really hope I’ve still got 4 growing at a decent size when I go in tomorrow. Although I don’t know how you ivf ladies do it, my right side already feels uncomfortable, like someone is pinching me on the inside.

Wish I had something more exciting to post about, but everything is just blah here.

December 19, 2007. injections, iui #2, sick. 9 comments.

What is wrong with the world?

Seriously….this….again….

I want it not to be true but it’s being report everywhere. What is the world coming to? Very nice that she met the baby daddy at church…how fucking wholesome…

December 19, 2007. arg. 13 comments.

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