what to say?

I’ve been reading all of your eloquent end of the year posts and am left somewhat speechless. I really do not know what to say.

As ready as I am for 07 to be over, it being over brings to light all of our failures from last year, the broken promises and expectations, the tears, the arguments. Part of me doesn’t want it to end, because if it doesn’t, then there’s still a chance. Don’t get me wrong, there were some good moments too…most notably suddenly realizing I’m not alone in all this crap. This IF community is the one silver lining in all this crap. I remember calling Mr H on the way home from my first get together with the DC ladies back in August. He asked how it was (because I was SOOOO nervous beforehand) and if it made me sad, did we only talk about IF stuff. I said great, that they were all normal woman and we talked about normal stuff. He replied that of course everyone was ‘normal’, but that is when it first struck me, that I was still a normal person, just a normal person dealing with a ton of crap. And it took meeting this fantastic group of women to make me realize that I wasn’t some sort of freak or something.

So 07 does have some things lined up in the plus column. But what scares me the most is that in 2008 our journey to get pregnant will, for better or worse, be over. That’s not to say we won’t have a family, but this is the year that will determine if we have a biological child or not. And that scares the crap out of me. As I sit here convinced that this IUI did not work, I wonder how much more of this I can do. I really do not think I can be one of those women doing IVF after IVF. I’m so emotionally fragile as it is, I don’t know where I will find the strength for all that.

So while 2007 brought some disappointment with it, 2008 brings unknowns…and that to me is scarier.

I’ll try to end on a positive note here. We are making the yummiest dinner tonight. Filets topped with lobster. So excited for our surf and turf! Not sure what the sides will be, but they aren’t that important to me. Last year we decided to stay in, make ourselves a nice dinner, open one of the good bottles of wine, and just celebrate quietly and it was one of the better new years. This year I’ll be good and only have a small sip of wine but I’m so excited for dinner!

I hope everyone has a wonderful night and 2008 brings us whatever it is we dream of!

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December 31, 2007. feelings, iui #2, ramblings.

14 Comments

  1. Sunny replied:

    Here’s to a new year with having our dreams come true!

  2. Jen replied:

    I am so jealous of all the blogger get togethers. I found another Idaho blogger one day and excitedly looked up where she lived- nine hours away. Argh. Your dinner sounds fantastic. It is making me hungry and I just finished lunch. I hope you get what you want in 2008.

  3. Fertilize Me replied:

    surf and turf woo hoo!! Wishing you a wonderful 2008

  4. Rebecca replied:

    Very well put…all of it. I forget that we’re normal sometimes…we convince ourselves that we’re all abnormal, but you’re completely right. Thanks for putting it in perspective! Happy new year and enjoy that yummy dinner!

  5. Infertility replied:

    I wish you the best in 2008. I hope your wishes come true!

  6. A replied:

    I’m with Rebecca, thank you for putting it into perspective. I <>am<> normal!Yummy, surf and turf! Sounds like a delicious and wonderful way to bring in the new year. I wish us all a wonderful and fulfilling year for 2008!

  7. Michell replied:

    I know what you mean about being scared about what 2008 brings. I am jumping in to IVF but am at this point looking at it as if this doesn’t work I think I’m done. And that scares me because I also don’t feel ready to give up yet. Anyway, have a great dinner and night in. Happy new year and I hope your dreams come true.

  8. Pamela Jeanne replied:

    There’s nothing so wonderful as the feeling of being understand and normal amid so much unpredictability and heartache.Wishing you all the best in 2008! (And we had shrimp cocktail and steak last night — our own version of surf and turf)…

  9. Maria replied:

    Happy New Year! I truly hope that 2008 brings you many months of joy and happiness and, of course, a BFP!!

  10. Debby replied:

    2008 is going to be a great year for you! And your dinner sounds so yummy….I hope you had a great night staying in with your honey.

  11. Diana replied:

    I really hope 2008 makes all your dreams come true!

  12. Adriane replied:

    The unknown sure is scary. I hope this IUI is successful for you. Wishing you the absolute best in 2008!!!!

  13. luna replied:

    wishing you all the best in 2008! all dreams and no fears. (oh, and we did the west coast surf-and-turf which includes dungeness crab, mmm…) ~luna

  14. Yoka replied:

    Happy new year! May all your dreams come true in 2008!!!

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