Breathing again

So this is a bit late, had no time to blog yesterday (stupid work)

We had a really busy day on Sunday, lots of errands, running around, then made a big dinner. That night, I kept getting horrible cramps on my right side that woke me up at night and made me double over. I kind of freaked out. Partially thinking all those horrible DBT’s but also worried about cysts, etc. At my last ultrasound, my right ovary was still about 3 times larger than it should be.

Called the dr and they had me come in that morning. Explained that it was probably round ligament pain and since I’m already starting to get a little belly, I’m probably going to have some of the 2nd tri symptoms early. I protested that a bit, it’s not really fair to have them when I still have all of the lovely first tri pukiness! But, I scored an ultrasound out of the deal. Finally, little Q does not look like a shrimp anymore. It’s an actual little human, waving it’s left arm over its head. Q was ALL over the place and would not sit still for a picture. She also said that she couldn’t get a read on the heart rate through the u/s but that she wasn’t worried since there was so much movement. (anyone else heard anything like that??)

Regardless, I feel much better. I didn’t even mention the doppler…but in the interest of my sanity its getting sent back this weekend. My family keeps telling me to just trust my body, but I can’t. It has proven itself too untrustworthy too many times. But I think I’m going to trust this baby. I have to believe that little Q knows what to do. He/she is going to be in charge from here on out, I’ll just do everything I can to give him/her the best damn chance I can.

Other than that…work is kicking my butt right now. We’ve just got too much going on and I have been so unproductive lately. So I’m still either working or sleeping. Really ready for that 2nd tri energy to kick in along with all the pains 😉

February 27, 2008. Uncategorized. 21 comments.

Doppler woes

Let me preface by saying I recognize this was a stupid move.

But, in spite of my better judgement, I rented a doppler. First time I used it, I heard the wooshwoosh that they say is blood going through the placenta and the monitor registered something at 156. I told myself that even though I couldn’t hear it, the monitor picked it up, so it must be there.

Last two times, I hear the wooshwoosh, but nothing else. And I’ve decided that monitor part is a piece of crap. Every few seconds it changes numbers, ranging from the 60’s all the way to 180’s. And that’s with it in the same spot.

Now what I’m telling myself (and please don’t burst my bubble), is that the placenta is blocking the baby. That’s why I only hear that. Delusional perhaps, but it is the only thing that is allowing me to sleep at night. Plus, the manual very clearly says that you most likely will not hear anything in the first trimester. I have just read about so many people hearing the heartbeat around 9 weeks. I’m also telling myself (again, if you know what’s good for you, don’t disagree with me) that my belly bloat is getting in the way.

But it still makes the DBT’s run rampant through my head. I’ve become really attached to this little thing and would like it to come join our family in September.

If anyone else hasn’t been able to hear anything this early, let me know. I don’t want to be one of those crazy women who calls the OB over this…because I know they’ll be mad at me. The dr told me that they were for professionals to use. (I decided that injections and shots are typically for the professionals too and if they let me do that, I might as well get to do some of the fun stuff too).

Thanks for reading about all my neurosis!

February 22, 2008. Uncategorized. 19 comments.

So much to say??

Every day I think that I have SOO much to blog about, then I get home, log in, and can’t think of a damn thing to write. So this will be a laundry list of sorts.

– First, let me apologize for being a bad commenter lately. I promise I’m still reading and following up on all of you. Lately, I just feel like I can’t really comment on the pg lady blogs, since I don’t feel like that’s me yet, and that no one still in the trenches of treatment cycles wants to hear from me either. Yes, very whiny, I know.

– And I know I’ve been tagged twice, and I promise to get to that too. I haven’t forgotten 😉

– As far as I know, I’m still you know what. I had the pleasure of my first puke last Saturday night. Out at a restaurant of all places, so it wasn’t too embarrassing or anything like that. Things are starting to not fit, if it weren’t for the Bella band, I wouldn’t be able to wear half my pants. I spent a better part of Sunday in tears after trying to find some decent tops to wear that are big and flow-y enough….and not summer! I even got brave enough to venture into the type of store that rhymes with ‘paternity’. But I felt like a complete impostor, I rummage through the sale racks for a few minutes and then left in a hurry.

– That’s not to say I haven’t been freaking out or anything. I actually had a HUGE meltdown last week when I realized that I’ve had cycles that were than this. And somehow, in my head, I invented a massive conspiracy theory (O.liver S.tone would have been proud) that my dr was tired of all my questions so he used a video for my ultrasound…it went on and on. It was not a proud moment, that’s for sure. And there are still moments every day when I’m convinced that I’m not you know what any more. In spite of the pants not fitting, small bump forming at night, boobs that have gone up a cup size, etc etc.

– Can we talk about my stomach for a minute? By the end of each day, I actually look like I have a little bump. I’ll be 11 weeks on Saturday. Isn’t it WAY too early for that? I’m feeling like this is all happening too fast (HA—too fast, we’ve been at this since June 2005!!!) People have started talking at work, and someone actually asked me today. At this point, I didn’t lie. And it has become pretty obvious, since I work with children and adults who are often aggressive and display other behavior problems…and I haven’t been jumping in to help the way I used to. That’s always a red flag at our school.

Ok, enough for now. I know I still owe you all a stupid comment’s post (sneak peak….when I told someone how long we’ve been trying (about 30 months) she actually said that she’s had 2 kids in that time! The whole story is actually even better than it sounds…) I promise to give you all the gory details over the weekend

February 22, 2008. Uncategorized. 11 comments.

Happy Valentine’s Day

Once again, I’m sorry for being such a bad blogger. I do have a good (umm….bitter and sarcastic) post about all of the stupid things people have said to me now that I’m you know what. It really is ridiculous.

Nothing new really, just wanted to pass a little loving along to my stirrup queen friends. Hope everyone has a great night!

February 15, 2008. Uncategorized. 10 comments.

Black and…brown

I am wearing two different shoes today. Not even the same color. One black, one brown. I will be spending alot of time at my desk. No observations for me. I think it is too early to blame things on pregnancy forgetfulness, I’m just an idiot. It was a very rough morning today. First, after ironing my blouse (I never remember to iron at night), I put it on, only to find that it would not button over my ridiculous boobs. Quite naturally, tears followed. Then, I get in the car only to hear about a 4-5 mile back up on the Beltway…always a good time when you want to puke. Then of course, around 11:00, someone points out that my shoes are different. Just lovely.

Complaining aside, we had our first OB appt yesterday and it went well. I really liked the doctor. He seems to have just the right blend of caution and common sense, which is how I like to at least think I am. (Those of you who know me, please don’t burst my bubble). I was hoping there wouldn’t need to be an exam but apparently the state of VA requires complete STD testing so back to the stirrups I went. Only good thing about needing the exam was that since I was there, he decided to do another ultrasound! I’ll always take a chance to sneak a peak at the critter. First, I was surprised at how much better the equipment at the RE is. I could barely make out anything on this ultrasound. Doc said he saw the heartbeat right away, I couldn’t for the life of me. But it measured right on target.

I was even more nervous about the u/s because I had the completely irrational fear that the Pro.emtrium was keeping me pregnant and I worried that by stopping it last Friday (on drs orders but still), the baby would stop growing. I know, crazy. But seeing a bigger blob yesterday made me happy.

Only thing I’ve realized is that I’ve become completely spoiled by all these ultrasounds. Now our next appointment isn’t until March 6 and our next ultrasound probably won’t be for 11 more weeks! I doubt we’re going to do the nuchal fold testing, wouldn’t change anything so what’s the point really. If our insurance covers it, I might, just for a chance to peak in there again!

Oh…and thanks to those of you who got my Bev-niner reference last week. Took awhile for someone to mention it and I started to feel really really old!

February 7, 2008. Uncategorized. 21 comments.

Me and Donna Martin

We both graduated!! I’ve had “Donna Martin graduates, Donna Martin graduates” in my head all day long (except in my head, it was my name).

Ultrasound today went well. Measured 7w5d, so only 1 day off. Heart rate was 159. Got instructions on when to stop the Pr.ometrium. My doctor made all sorts of jokes with Mr H about me being the designated driver for the Superbowl. We also got forms to send in after DELIVERY! Yes, you read that correctly….delivery. And instructions to send baby pictures. I felt like I was living in an alternate universe for a while there. Kinda still feel that way.

The whole thing was very bittersweet. As glad (ecstatic) as I am that things are going well, I don’t want to leave. I don’t know what’s out there. I know I’ve said it before, but I know how to do the infertile thing…not sure how to do this other thing. Plus, I have never had a more attentive doctor in my life. The man emails me back on a Friday night…I certainly don’t do that for my clients. I’m hoping that the OB he recommended is almost as good.

I managed to stumble out of the office and proceeded to burst into hyseterical sobs at the elevator. The kind of sobs where you can’t catch your breathe and someone needs to hold you up. Other people probably thought we just got the worst kind of news…not the best. And I continued to sob in the car. I guess it was part the immense sense of relief, part disbelief since I honestly never thought I would make it this far, part joy and excitement, and part being scared out of my mind.

I’m still kind of all over the place (in case you couldn’t tell). Thanks for all of your support and good wishes. And I know I’ve been really bad at commenting, but I promise I’m reading and keeping up with all of you! I’m hoping tomorrow gets me out of my own head…going with my soon to be sis-in-law for her first dress fitting. Hopefully we’ll be able to make a fun girls day out of it.

February 2, 2008. pregnant, what next. 24 comments.