definitions

How do you explain the friendships and bonds that we form through the blogosphere? Mel called it liminal friends in this post here and I think it fits. This morning, after reading Sunny’s latest post, I sat in my office sobbing. My heart was breaking for her. True, it all did bring me back to when we got the call to go down to Mr H’s dad because “any day now” the tumor in his brain was going to reach his brain stem and stop him from breathing, and to my mom’s ultimately successful battle with uterine cancer 3 years ago, and to my aunt’s current fight with breast cancer, and to my strong amazing grandmother fighting ovarian cancer for the 2nd time at 85 years old! But she is all I’ve been thinking about all day long. As I sat there, my office mate (and good friend) walked in and immediately gave me a hug, probably thinking it was something with the baby, my aunt, or grandmother. Instead, I said my friend got bad news about her mom. Since we both know all of each other’s friends, she started asking who. I just got so flustered. I mumbled some random crap about not being from around here and then finally just said she was an old, close friend. Funny how I consider someone I’ve met only 2-3 times in real life an old dear friend. Yet, she (and all of you) definitely know more about me that many of my closest friends.

I just didn’t know how to explain or define it. To say you all are my “internet friends” not only sounds lame, but I think minimizes how important all of you are to me and how deeply connected I feel to everyone.

Not sure exactly what the point of this post is…just me sort of dumping. I’ve just been in a really weird place lately. Again, not sure why. Really hoping that the start of spring break tomorrow changes my mood

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March 20, 2008. Uncategorized. 11 comments.

catching up

Not really too much to catch up on. I’ve been working extra hours like crazy. The need for f.ollistim money has turned into maternity leave money. For some reason, I never really anticipated the need to fund my leave and thought that once I didn’t need money for the meds, I could cut back on my hours. Either way, I’m working a ton. Like today (Sunday, the day of rest), I’m doing a 4 hour training. Now I shouldn’t complain too much because that is some good money, but it’s Sunday, I worked yesterday, AND I’m missing the monthly get together of the DC Stirrup Queens (Aka-the Order of the Plastic Uterus). And my freakin cat has decided to turn into a furry orange alarm clock and has woken me up precisely at 6:20 the last 2 days. So basically I’m just whiny.

And is it bad that yesterday, while on the beltway and narrowly avoiding a pretty major accident, these were my first 2 thoughts (ok, my first thought was “whew…thank god” but the next 2 thoughts closely followed): That totally would have scored me an ultrasound (I swear, I’m an addict and since it’s been 3 weeks since my last fix I’m jonesing BIG time) and that would have gotten me out of work tomorrow.

In exciting news we booked a Spring break trip–we’re going to Vegas baby! Mr H found these fantastic condos a block off the strip that are linked to M.GM but have their own pool, entrance, etc. SOOO excited. I booked a massage, we’re going to get some real good eats in, and see a show (leaning towards La Reve…any opinions out there???) We leave next Sunday. Now is it a bad thing to be heading to Sin City on Easter Sunday? Hoping not. Every year my school’s spring break has fallen on our anniversary but this year, with easter being so early, it isn’t. But we decided to take a trip and start celebrating a week early…just for fun!

Hope all is well…and for my DC ladies, have a fantastic lunch. I’ll be with you in spirit!

March 16, 2008. Uncategorized. 13 comments.

ta da…the pic **belly pic in post**

Let me start by saying that I was SO opposed to belly pics until about 4 days ago. Funny how your perspective changes. However, recognizing that they sometimes suck to look at, I will always include a little warning in the title of the post.

Thanks for all the supportive comments, you ladies are so good for my self esteem! So here it is….this was 12w4d. And, you can be honest, I know it is a bit big for 12 weeks. And I apologize for the quality of the picture and being headless…it wasn’t a good hair or anything day. Also don’t look at the black sports bra/wife beater combo…I generally chose comfort over fashion.

We’re heading up to NY this weekend to see the nieces. Fingers crossed that it all goes better than our last trip up there in January.

March 7, 2008. belly pics. 22 comments.

write your letter!

thanks for all the positive comments about my letter. I highly recommend everyone write one, it just felt great. I must have started about 5 different posts the last few days and was really struggling with them but then this one just came pouring out of me. Only took a few minutes to write. And I felt so much better afterwards. When I posted mine, there was only 24 letters there…hopefully we can really increase that number.

In p-word updates, I’m 12w3d. Some people say I’m out of the first trimester. I’m waiting for the actual end of it, but I have to admit that I’m starting to feel more secure with all this. I’ve got tons of growing pains and feel the round ligament pain on my right side at least a few times a day. Not feeling better just yet though. In fact, my 24 hr round the clock nausea has gotten worse in the last 2 weeks.

I’ve started to sport a pretty serious bump, way too much the B.ella Band. I caved and went m-clothes shopping this weekend…and actually wore the jeans right out of the store. They were just so much more comfortable then having the zipper digging into my stomach and the back riding down. One question though…why the hell are those clothes so much freaking money? They’ve got such a monopoly going on it’s crazy. I went with my soon to be SIL whom I just love and one of her other bridesmaids who just had a baby, I thought she’d have some good advice. First we went out to lunch and when she saw me she talked up my cute little bump and how I was definitely ready for the m-clothes. For once, I actually enjoyed it. But then, while we were eating, she asked how far along I was. When I said 12w, she spat out her food and asked if I was having twins. When I tensely said no, she said she would have put me at 20 weeks, not 12. I didn’t even know what to say. Maybe I’ll get brave enough to post a pic, but there is no way it’s a 20 week belly. Plus I saw her when she was 21 weeks and she was a f-ing house! She was helpful when we went shopping, but I just could not believe that comment!

Now everyone go write your letter!

March 5, 2008. Uncategorized. 10 comments.

Note to self

Dear Body,

When asked to write a letter to you, at first I wasn’t sure where to start. Am I mad at you, upset? Am I ecstatic that you are nurturing a little life inside of me? I don’t even know.

Then I thought about something my dad used to say to me all the time. Growing up, he always lectured me about DTA, Don’t Trust Anybody…even when you think you can trust them, think before you do. There were times were I rolled my eyes at him, then the times I got burned and realized he was right, and then the other times when I realized you have to let people in and trust them in order to have any real relationships. So I walk a fine line, making people earn my trust, but once they do, I give it freely and expect it in return. When that trust gets broken, I have a very hard time giving it back.

How does this related to you, dear body? I always trusted you. And you always lived up to that trust. And I pushed you, running, hiking, rock climbing, mountain climbing, etc. And that trust was repaid. I knew, just knew, that if I needed you to give me the extra push to win a race, you would. And together we went all-state. And I knew, if hanging on the rocks at G.reat F.alls, I need to lunge for the next hold, that you’d make it. I like to think that I respected this trust and took good care of you in return. Sure, there have been times when I may have consumed a bit to much of the ‘juice’ but other than that, for the last almost 10 years you’ve been fed all organic, local, yummy food (hey, and sometimes even the wine was organic). I kept you healthy and you repayed me. We trusted each other.

But then than trust got broken. Just like I knew I’d make the lunge across the rocks or win the race, I knew that I’d get pregnant. Now, I wasn’t naive enough to think it would happen right away…but I trusted you. One year down, and that trust was getting rusty. Still I thought that maybe we hadn’t prepped enough. You know, you’ve got to train for something you really want. So I went at this full force. You remember the drill, waking up on the weekends to take our temperature, peeing on sticks every morning, checking cervical fluids, etc. Six months later, nothing. Then we start the doctor’s appointments. You know what we find….unexplained infertility….no medical reason not to be pregnant. Do you know what that means….I can not trust you.

Then, you surprise me, right before we’re going to start treatments, we get pregnant. Wow! Maybe I should have trusted you all along, you’re making that leap, just a little slowly. Then you do the unthinkable, not even a week into it, it’s gone. I obviously can not trust you at all. No one I trust would do this to me.

Now we’re at it again, and this time we’ve made it 12 weeks. And I want to trust you, really I do. But I’m having such a hard time. I can’t stop thinking, DTA….don’t trust anybody, even when you think you can. So where does that leave me? You’re doing the most important job I’ve ever given you, and I can’t trust you to carry this project through. So right now I’m delegating, trusting the baby instead of you. And I’m really hoping we can come through this and earn all that trust back, on both sides. I need you back in my life, on my side.

Love,
me

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the wonder Mel at Stirrup Queens AND Blogher took up the next leg of the Letter to My Body campaign. Check out her posts and write you own

March 4, 2008. Uncategorized. 7 comments.