My 18 year old self mocks me-and other random thoughts

Lots of little things today

– First, I just realized that tomorrow is my blogversary! Wow–I thought I had missed it. I find it impossible to even think about how I functioned without all of you!

– Back in high school I worked at the mall (yeah C.laire’s) and in the summers I used to watch the 50 year old women and pregnant ladies walk the mall each morning and night. And boy did I judge them. I would never get out of their way and always thought that if they really wanted to exercise they should get out into the world. I may have muttered that on occasion. Well last night I met my mom for dinner at the super big mall near us. The restaurant was at one end. After dinner, she had an errand to run at the complete other end and asked if I wanted to come along. When we reached the store all completely out of breathe (well just me, she was fine) I realized this was SOOOO much better than dragging my butt back out after getting home and walking in the still 90 degree heat. And then on my way home today I did it again. It felt good to check off 35-45 minutes of walking before getting home today. Who have I become?

– According to other well-meaning ladies, I managed to be a horrible mother twice in the span of 20 minutes, and of course this is all before the kid is even born. First, while getting gas, some random older woman came up and told me that under no circumstances should I be pumping my own gas because didn’t I know the fumes would be bad for the baby. WTF and mind your own f-ing business. The fumes obviously did something to your brain you batty old lune. How on earth would it possible for someone to go 9 months without pumping gas??? And then in the check-out line at the grocery store this perfect 25 year old mother a 2 year old and an infant looked in my cart and said, ” Yeah, when I was pregnant, I tried really hard to eat all natural and organic foods. And I think my kids are better for it”. STFU–I highly doubt the kid will come out orange because I had the nerve to eat some mac and cheese. You know, the good powdered kind, full of all sorts of nasty chemicals. So yeah, I’m going to be a horrible parent, but at least I won’t be a know it all ass (damn, I totally should have said that)

– While at the mall I noticed two women. One was also pregnant and had the perfect body and was wearing the shortest short shorts. I can’t they make maternity shorts that short. Seriously, she looked better in them than I ever would when 8 months pregnant. So I hate her. And then a little public service announcement to a different short short wearing young 20-something. If one is going to wear shorts that have less coverage than some underwear, please take care of your personal hygiene. One should consider a good thorough wax. Disgusting

– Mr H has been out of town all week for work. I never sleep as good when I’m by myself and you can see this turns me into a pretty snarky bitch. Worst part is that they are staying at this amazing golf and spa resort. He called me after work on his way to the pool to sit in the lazy river. I wanted to kill him.

Think that is enough random thoughts for now. I had other things spilling through my head all day but most of them got kicked out by my super annoying gas and grocery outing. Oh–and thanks for agreeing that those undies were defective. Mr H said I should return them—like I would really waddle my big ol ass into a store and say that these ripped on me and I want my money back. That is only good for a hazing ritual or something, no way I would ever do that!

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July 30, 2008. ramblings. 16 comments.

You know you’re a heifer when…

….you go to the bathroom and your underwear breaks. The string on it just snapped. And this was underwear I bought last week in a size larger than I usually wear. Must have been defective, right?? Tied it back together since I am no longer in a position to go commando. Came back into my office to cry into my o.reos

July 28, 2008. Uncategorized. 22 comments.

2 worlds (or me and the Venn diagrams)

So lately I’ve felt like I’m circling two different worlds, not really a member of either one but also not having a place to identify with. Like one of those funky Venn diagrams from 8 grade. You know, you’ve got Circle A and Circle B and a the little place they overall is A and B….but I’m an R or something crazy off to the side. I’d like to be an A and B in that small cozy little spot in the middle, surrounded on all sides by the amazing people of both circles, but it just doesn’t work that way.

Here’s my case in point…and I admit in advance that it is a kind of lame example. I’ve mentioned before that I love f.lair on f.acebook. Well on the same day last week this beautiful lady sent me some f.lair all about how annoying fertility advice is. We all agree, it most certainly is. You ladies are all my A circle. You are were I am most comfortable. However, everyone not in this circle seems to think that I ran like a bat out of hell away from Circle A and never looked back…that I’ve been ‘cured’ or something. Later on that same day my dear cousin (who is one of the very few IRL people who knows every gory detail of our trek to get pregnant) sent me some cute pregnant f.lair about creating people. How fun would it be to be a part of Circle B?? Just to be pregnant, taking it all for granted, complaining with everyone else, making conception jokes (this is a post for later in the week, I just lifted my baby shower ban, thinking I could pretend to be in Circle B but I soooo can not). Circle B was what I wanted all along…but I can’t fully join and, even more to the point, when I try to join, those Pure Circle B’s don’t really want me. I scare them I think. Especially when they already ask when we’ll be trying for a sibling (seriously, can’t I get this one out first) and I say that we aren’t sure if we’ll go through all the rigamaroll again and that we’re just focused on this amazing blessing. I don’t think they like the reminder that you can be young and still have infertility…that it could be them next time.

So that leaves me with either being the A+B in the middle….or that R floating somewhere in the corner. A+B is tricky business, I haven’t been able to find a good way to navigate that circle. And I didn’t put up either of those pieces of flair, because I can’t figure it out. But being an R….well being an R just sucks. It’s lonely. And I know this is my issue. All of my lovely A ladies do not make me feel excluded, I do that to myself.

Not sure where all this leaves me…just had to dump a bit. Thanks for reading (and thanks for the diaper bag advice earlier….only problem with those discount sites is that I want more than 1). Oh and I did take pictures of the crib and dresser (and I did cry as they carried them upstairs) and I’ll post them as soon as I upload everything.

July 27, 2008. IF. 5 comments.

home

I’m homing taking a sick day today. Am I really sick enough to be skipping work? I’m not sure. There’s strep throat and some nasty colds going around the school right now and I was all sniffly and post-nasaly yesterday (lovely image right) and woke up this morning feeling like crap. So I decided to go back to sleep. Even if I’m not technically sick, a day of rest is certainly going to go a long way in making me feel better faster. Problem was, I really wanted to save up my leave. We get hardly any. Starting each July, we get 11 days, plus anything that we carried over from last year. 11 days doesn’t get you to far when you’re doing IF treatments so I think I only carried over 1. So that means of my maternity leave, I will have 11 paid days, out of 12 weeks. Yikes.

Thank you all for the support on my last post. I ended up having a pretty ok day. Since we were getting new carpets installed and I wanted to be out of the house and my mom is still in need of pretty constant distractions, she decided to take me to buy the stroller we wanted. We hiked up to this place others had recommended, Gr.eat Beginnings. Fantastic baby store…so much better and nicer than any of the others. It ended up being a really fun day. We got the stroller and even though we weren’t registered there, I was able to show my mom everything that we did register for.

While we are on the topic of registering, can we discuss diaper bags? And why on earth so many of them are in the hundred dollar range (or more)? I just can not justify spending 150 on a bag that it literally going to be a shit carrier. I will be putting poopy clothes, diapers, etc in it. Now I like bags as much as the next girl but is it to much to ask for a basic diaper bag around 50 bucks that is fashionable and can be washed? I don’t want to carry W.innie the P.ooh around or anything, but I also don’t want something that is dry clean only. I guess I don’t understand the designer moms or that kind of thing.

Things are moving along here. We got our new carpet installed last weekend. When the guy came to measure, he said we still had the original carpet from 1978 and even then, it was builder grade, not upgraded at all. You would not believe what a difference it makes. We went with the cheapest, figuring that alone would be a fantastic improvement (and it is) and I’m really hoping that the market will turn just enough that we’ll be able to sell and still afford a single family home in the next 2 years. Listening to my neighbors pee on either side of me is getting a little old.

Crib and dresser get delivered tomorrow. Part of me can’t wait and the other is in complete disbelief. I honestly never thought we’d make it this far. I walk into ‘that’ room now each day and even though the only thing in there is an ironing board, I still cry. I am finally starting to think that there will be a baby here at some point soon. In fact, right now, I can’t think past September. I really want to treasure every second that is left, since I rushed through the beginning with so much fear and detachment. I’m trying to be realistic and recognize that, most likely, I will not get this experience again. I don’t know if we will have the finances to do it or if I want to get back on the rollercoaster again. So the next 7 weeks are it.

7 weeks…crazy

July 25, 2008. Uncategorized. 14 comments.

I shouldn’t be sad today

I shouldn’t be sad and I shouldn’t be sitting here thinking about what could have been. This week would have been the due date for my little November angel. I only knew I was pregnant for 5 short days but, at the time, they were the 5 best days of my life. I don’t think I ever really gave myself time to grieve the loss. I jumped right into my first IUI days later, pumping myself full of hormones. Hormones always do wonders for mental states, right??

So now I sit here, just feeling sad. I’ve tried to think of a better word for it, something more descriptive, but sad really covers it. And I feel horribly guilty and wrong for that sadness. As I am typing this, I can feel little Q moving inside of me. I am so lucky and blessed. And I know that there are many women out there who pass a missed due date and aren’t as lucky. Right now my heart breaks for them. So while I do feel bad about being sad, I can’t help but think about what could have been.

As I think about it more, I think my general sadness is really more due to this bringing back all of the IF crap. This baby would have been a do-it-yourselfer. Conceived in our own home, own bed, with just the two of us there. As cliched a story as it would be, getting pregnant on the cycle before starting treatments, who really doesn’t wish that happened to them? Instead I got a big, bloody reminder that we couldn’t do this ourselves. Instead I went headfirst right back into day 3 ultrasounds, shots, watching the sunrise waiting for a morning wanding. Random doctors either cracking lame jokes between my legs or filling the room (and my uterus) with their god-like complex. As people around me joke about what we must have been doing last Christmas, me thanking Mr H for the diamond earrings, he got a flat screen so I got a baby, and other lame jokes like that, I think to myself…you have no fucking clue. Christmas I was 2 days past my iui and spent most of the day in tears. I think that is what I’m mourning more than anything else. The fact that the baby we made by ourselves couldn’t make it.

But I know I shouldn’t be sad…

July 19, 2008. feelings, IF. 17 comments.

never thought is possible

to gain 7 lbs in 2 weeks! Yikes! What a freakin fatso I am. And to make it even worse, my stomach is measuring 2 weeks behind (30 weeks) so I can’t even blame it on the baby. Other than my fatso status, a boring appointment, the kind I like. Got my butt shot today, the nurse commented on how relaxed I was about it. While I didn’t have to do any IM shots during my IUI, I still somehow didn’t really mind the butt shot, just one more thing on the list to do to get a healthy babe.

And thanks for the good thoughts for my friend, she got the all clear–no fibroids or blockages in the tubes so she’s getting ready to start her IUIs.

Pretty boring post, sorry. It’s been a pretty boring week. Been doing lots of training of our new staff, which is nice since it gets me out of the classroom and sitting down for 1-2 hours a time. Definitely makes my days go a bit smoother. And it seems lately that if I don’t have anything to bitch about, I don’t blog. And that’s mostly because I don’t want to be one of those complaining pg lady blogs. I know how blessed and lucky I am and recognize that this could very well be my only pregnancy, so I might as well try to enjoy every second of it. (hmmm….wonder if I’ll let that same logic apply to delivery, probably not)

and thank goodness it’s almost the weekend!

July 17, 2008. Uncategorized. 5 comments.

Good thoughts for a friend

A good friend I work with (see the beginning of her story here) is having her HSG tomorrow and is understandably nervous. If you’ve got any good thoughts to send her way, please do. She is so like me. She wanted me to go through the entire process and how each step felt. Of course it’s different for everyone but I so much appreciated the people who told me that yes, there are parts that do hurt…forget ‘uncomfortable’. I’m hoping she gets the all clear so she can start IUI’s next cycle.

As for me, after my night of horrible BH a few weeks ago I have been the queen of hydration (seriously thinking of making myself a crown) and have been using a heating pad on the old ute nightly. It has made such a difference. Between that and my super fancy lumbar thingy for the car, I pretty much only get them if I have a full bladder, full stomach, or get a swift kick/punch. Of course those things all do still happen pretty darn frequently but if I can stave them off a night, I’m a much happier camper during the day. As for the car lumbar thing, I left it in my mom’s car over the weekend and Monday just happened to be one of those commutes from hell. I take 2 pretty major highways for this area to work and both had accidents on them. Over an hour drive resulted in so many BH that I lost count. They stopped as soon as I got to work and was able to sit for a few minutes. You bet I stopped at my mom’s after work to pick up my pillow thing. I thought it was over priced but now I realize it was worth every penny. I don’t care that they can’t explain why I get them so much in the car, as long as I can stop it!

Off to veg in front of the tv for a bit, hope all is well in blogland

July 16, 2008. Uncategorized. 7 comments.

what is that room in my house?

Apparently it is the start of a nursery. My family staged a bit of an intervention last week basically telling me to get my head out of the sand and start getting ready for this kid to come. I was told that the baby is going to show up whether I have things ready or not so wouldn’t it be better to get ready? So we had a painting party with my brother and his wife. The room is a nice light green. It doesn’t scream nursery thankfully since we’re hoping to move in a few years. New carpets in the whole house are getting installed next week (our house is 32 yrs old and still has the original carpets, thankfully not shag but still pretty nasty) and the…gulp…crib and dresser get delivered the weekend of the 26th. Holy shit.

Since we had handy, free labor available, we also painted our bedroom. We have been wanting to paint in there since we moved in. The previous owners were big fans of two-toning things so it was a urine yellow bedroom with one wall looking like someone who is extremely dehydrated. It looks SOOOOO much better now. Just need to do some touch-ups tomorrow (only problem with free labor is that you have to give them beer and the quality of work tends to go down as things progress) and I can’t wait to put it all back together.

So that’s my exciting weekend. Have to work for a bit tomorrow, but it’s my private consult work so at least I get paid for it. Otherwise only 3 more weeks of summer session left…and they have to go better than this week did….there really isn’t anyway for them to go worse.

oh….and my only other news, I have become addicted to F.lair on f.acebook..someone needs to stage an intervention for that!

July 13, 2008. Uncategorized. 10 comments.

if one more person…

comments on how big I am, how long I’ve been pregnant, or how much longer I have to be pregnant I will not be held responsible for my actions. And yes, I know my ankle bones are MIA but it’s hot and you see, DC was built on a swamp so it’s also humid and nasty. And yes, I know I should stay off my feet but I work in special ed and I can’t really tell all these cute little kids that I need to rest for 15 minutes and could they please find something to do…because they won’t, in fact, they’ll probably just play with their poo and since I don’t want to clean it up, it is much better for me to just not take that break.

Have plenty of updates for everyone if I ever get a spare minute. Had a little scare last week with the old irritable ute acting up. Got the complete pre-term labor workup (none of you mentioned just how unpleasant those cervix checks are) but all is well and I should be resting more. HA!!! But I do love that my ob’s office takes everything seriously and brought me in instead if just dismissing everything I said.

And I also know I haven’t been commenting a ton lately….but I am reading. This was my 2 minute get off my feet break…back to work now ;(

July 8, 2008. tired, work stuff. 9 comments.