can’t think of a good title…

Yikes, nothing like breastfeeding questions to bring out the commentors!!

Let me clear my poor LC’s good name, she is not the one obsessed with time, etc, I am. In fact, she keeps telling me now that my milk supply is good, to just trust my body and trust the baby. Well, you all know that I have a VERY hard time trusting my body and I’m also a little nervous about trusting someone that poops her pants about 6 times a day. That doesn’t inspire trust. And I’m obsessive by my very nature. I obsess over minutia for a living…seriously, I break complex behaviors down into their itty bitty components and collect data on those itty bitty things. And then I analyze and graph and do all sorts of fun stuff with it. So me collecting data right now on her time on breast, if she cues, and her pee and poop is nothing. There is so much more I’d like to measure (like duration of sucking but I don’t have a free hand to work the timer, and I am SO not kidding)

But I am starting to relax about it all. When she’s hungry the girl most certainly eats, and when she isn’t, she doesn’t. The fact that she is starting to visibly gain weight and has grown out of her first set of PJ’s does make me feel a little bit better. So I’m working on the whole trust thing. But right now, there is no way I could stop with my data, no matter how many people tell me I’m being crazy, it makes me feel like I have some semblance of control and am doing something proactive to make sure she’s eating and staying healthy.

In other news, my dad is coming to stay with us for the weekend. Cue family drama. You may remember he left my mom in June and moved 8 hours away…and no one really knows why he made the move. He’s since lost his job so he’s now completely alone with nothing to do. For a man with a history of depression as well as a history of self-medicating that depression, that is not a good thing. He says he’s finally going to do something that makes him happy, instead of some corporate job. Only problem is, hiking and drinking wine seems to make him happiest. And he could open a hiking and wine store but that would be a pretty niche market…not sure how well it would do. So, he’s flying down for the weekend to see the baby, my mom got all upset that she won’t be able to see her this weekend (for the record, my mom lives under 10 minutes away and has come over on her lunch break to see Sweetness), my brother is pissed because my dad picked the only weekend all fall that he has to work…and Mr H and I don’t really know what to do with him. The whole thing is going to be so incredibly awkward. Luckily, we have a bunch of things around the house that Mr H needs help with. So that will at least give him something to do. And…in a few weeks, he wants to come down and stay for the entire week to help me out. So this is really just a dress rehearsal. uggg…

Now I have to go vacuum for him, you see, the man is also very allergic to cats and never wants to take any allergy medicine when he comes over. uggg again…

hmmm…as I re-read this, writing about my neuroses and then my dad’s makes my whole family seem kind of f-ed up…guess the apple doesn’t fall to far from the tree…hopefully Sweetness will be spared


September 26, 2008. family, sweetness. 8 comments.

I’m a liar

I have no groove whatsoever. Friday night was probably her worst ever. We could not put her down or she’d scream bloody murder. Being the bad mom that I am, I did not read in the baby book until saturday afternoon that between 2-3 weeks is a growth spurt and she’s going to want to eat more often. So last night we picked up the feedings and she did a little bit better. But me, I’ve got no groove, who the hell am I kidding??

I have turned back into my OCD self and am completely over-analyzing every single feeding. It’s just what I do…and its a whole new world for me to google. The LC says we should be doing 10 a side at each feeding, all of the books say a full feeding is at least 15 minutes (one says 15 a side, no way she’d ever do that). She typically does a 10 and then 2-3 minutes on the other one. So of course now I obsess that she isn’t eating enough. I’m going to give the LC a call in a little bit….this is why people should never give me their home phone number 😉 We’re going in for a weight check tomorrow so that will put my mind at ease for a little bit. I tried to convince Mr H to let me buy a scale but no luck…aside from the fact that it is an outrageous idea, I would get even more obsessed.

Ok–still trying to finish the thank you notes from my shower that was now a full 4 weeks ago…see I have NO groove

September 21, 2008. Uncategorized. 23 comments.

Getting into my groove

Before I start talking about myself, please go send some congrats over to my cautiously optimistic friend Bean. I am beyond excited for her!

Now onto me…we’re slowly settling into a routine here. We got most of our feeding issues taken care of last week and she’s now happily packing on the pounds. Of course it took a little help from 2 of my local ladies and a bit of intervention from a lactation consultant but since Sunday we have been exclusively breast feeding! And I’m trying to relax a little bit about the whole thing. I had been really tied to what all the books say is a full feeding (15 per side) but she has never once done that. She’s not a snacker though so I’m trying not to be too concerned. And she’ll give us 4 hours at night which I think is awesome. Mr H goes back to work on Monday so we’ll see if I still feel as optimistic when I’m completely on my own!

In exciting news, I am down 23 pounds…only 3 more to go to hit my pre-pregnancy weight! And since I think each boob has to weigh in at least a pound or more, I’m doing pretty good. Even though the weight is gone though, there’s still quite the belly. Not sure how to get rid of that though since too many trips up the stairs still leaves me sore. Of course, I then have about 25-30 ‘eating my emotion’ pounds to lose and I doubt those will fall off as quickly. I did just promise Mr H that I wouldn’t aim for the full 30–that was me at my skinniest and it was really hard to maintain. I was watching ever single thing I put into my mouth and at the gym 5-6 times a week. At this point, I don’t want to be on that restricted a diet (I would only allow myself a glass of wine on the weekends, and by ‘a’ I do mean 1…what kind of life is that?!?!) and I know it’s not realistic to think I’ll be able to work out that much anymore.

Ok…here’s my lame thing that I need advice on–and it’s pretty lame. And not really advice, maybe just someone telling me that I’m not completely crazy. My sharps container. After we got our positive, Mr H wanted me to bring it into the RE at my first ultrasound. I said no way, that could be jinxing things, that we could go in and there would be nothing. Then he wanted me to bring it into the 2nd ultrasound and again I was too superstitious. I promised that if we made it out of the first trimester I would just drop it off at the RE one weekend morning. But I was never able too…and then I got too pregnant looking to be walking into an RE office on a Saturday morning. So it is still sitting in my kitchen cabinet. Part of me almost likes it there. And when people are over and looking for the corkscrew or bottle opener and I tell them where it is, I like that they see it as a reminder (yes, it was handily next to the bottle opener). But at this point, I know it is time to get rid of it. Even if we decide to get back on this crazy rollercoaster and try for a second, it wouldn’t be for at least 2 years or so. But now if I were to bring it back to the RE’s, I’d be doing it with a baby in tow–which is just as insensitive as going in with a belly. I wonder if the pediatrician’s office could take it or something….or maybe my OB at my check up next month. hmmm….probably should have dropped it off there all along.

My quick little check in is taking so long…coming up next time…out of the mouth’s of men!

September 19, 2008. Uncategorized. 9 comments.

quick question

Is it normal for all my stiches to hurt worse and be more uncomfortable now than they were after delivery? TMI but it feels like I’ve got a tampon in wrong or something…


September 12, 2008. Uncategorized. 10 comments.

The hospital

I’m using this as my little journal. I wasn’t even going to post it, just keep it for myself but then I didn’t know if any of the info would help anyone else so here it is. Please feel no obligation to read my ramblings.

The nurses!! Aside from all of them commenting that I was just made to have babies and need to keep at it, they were amazing. They listened to me about my needs. Since I was so far along when I got there, I never had any time to get off the monitors, but they did offer at one point; too bad that was when the doc walked in and I was at 10 and it was time to break my water and start the pushing. I only had one nurse, over at the maternity side of it, who wasn’t super impressive. And while I’m sure she was good, everyone else just went so far above and beyond my expectations, she ranked a little low.

So much of her actual delivery is a blur to me I need to get it out while I still have a chance of remembering. Such an amazing experience. Overall, I am just so glad I picked a great doc that I trusted. He was so calming in the room, and his personality combined with knowing what he was doing kept me calm and comfortable. Even though the delivery ended up requiring more interventions than either of us wanted (one of the reasons I selected him (aside from the glowing recommendation from my RE that I absolutely loved) was that he rarely used vacuum, forceps, or does an episiotomy), I completely trust that it was the right thing to do to get Sweetness here. Her heart rate was becoming more variable throughout the monster contractions and she needed to get the heck out of there. Plus, after 2+ hours of pushing, I was really fading. What I love the most is that before I actually needed the vacuum, he prepped and talked to me about it as a possibility during one of the loooong pauses I had between contractions, so I was able to process it. It wasn’t suggested at the height of the pain or when there was no other alternative. I just love docs that actually listen to you. As for the episiotomy, I was tearing too unevenly and at that point her heart rate was getting into more trouble. No real prep time for that but I didn’t really care–I wanted the kiddo OUT!

Mr H. did get to cut the cord and she was immediately put onto my stomach. She didn’t get to stay there as long as I would have liked but given all of the heart issues and her general blue-purple hue, they needed to take her over to the warmers. I fortunately had no problems delivering the placenta and tried to donate the cord blood to the public bank but the sample wasn’t large enough. And because of my super contractions, my uterus was ahead of the game and shrinking super fast so I got spared the p.ictocin that most people get automatically to deliver the placenta and after labor. I had no idea that was a typical intervention and I was glad my doc told the nurses to hold off because he thought I wouldn’t need it. Sweetness was back in just a few, tried to nurse but all she wanted to do was sleep (she was that way for the first 36 hours or so–she’s still a super sleepy baby).

Friday night we had a little scare. They came in to check both our vitals around 8:30 and the nurse said she couldn’t really hear well with all the commotion in the hall (the people must have thought that were at a frat party or something for the weekend). About 1/2 hr later one of the assistants popped in and said that were just listening to her heart. I took that to mean that the nursery had gotten busy and she’d be back in a few. 15 minutes later, I sent Mr H down to check on things. 10 minutes later I called him. Her heart rate was again really variable, dipping down into the low 80’s (should be 120-ish), sometimes jumping into the 140-160 range and occasionally skipping a beat. But that I shouldn’t worry….men….they just don’t get it. So I bawled and wailed for about a minute, then shuffled my way down to the nursery where the sight of my little girl hooked up to all those monitors with them beeping and 3 nurses standing over her put me over the edge. They had called into the NICU and the doctor was on his way down. I seriously have no idea how all of the NICU mommies manage it. I was a wreck. They brought me a nice comfy chair and I just sat next to her, talking to her with tears streaming down my cheeks. What scared me was that they closed the blinds and stopped letting other parents in. Now I get that it was to respect our privacy but I at the time I was just so sure it meant that something horrible was about to happen. The charge nurse kept telling me that babies get murmurs and arrhythmias all the time and she’d be fine–that since all of her other vital checks had been fine, they probably just caught a little fluke and now wanted to follow through with it. The NICU doc took that I thought to be an insanely long time to get there but it probably wasn’t. And just like when you take your car to the mechanic, her heart rate was stable and fine while he was there. He did listen to everything for a long time and did what seemed to me to be a very thorough assessment. Ended up saying that she has a good little ticker and didn’t think she needed any other tests or assessment. We decided that since she was spending her nights in the nursery regardless (they were just bringing her to me every 3 hours to feed), they’d hook her up to the monitor every hour or so to double check. She was fine the rest of the night and the pediatrician gave her a full work up that morning before discharging her so all is well but dear god–I don’t ever want to feel fear like that ever again. But again, our nurse and the charge nurse were amazing. They tried to calm me (nothing short of a horse tranquilizer would have though) and took great care of Sweetness. They kept saying they probably just caught a little blip that everyone has occasionally. Despite the fear, I am so glad they followed up on it and called in the doctor.

The only negative about the hospital was that I let one nurse talk me into briefly giving her a pacifier. The girl likes to suck for sure and was using me as one…causing a ton of nasty bleeding but her feedings took a big nose dive after the paci. I knew I didn’t want one but I let her convince me that it wouldn’t mess anything up. And she sure did like it. But it’s gone for now…maybe once we get this whole breastfeeding thing a little more established or something I’ll bring it back for her. And it will be easier to fade out then all the sucking she does on her little fingers.

I know there is more I want to remember but I just can’t recall it now. I did manage to put on my big girl panties and tell both my parents (in the middle of a divorce) that I did not care how they managed their time at the hospital but that I had waited FAR too long for this moment and if at any point either of them were taking away from my happiness, they’d both be kicked out of the room. I did feel like crap for saying it (my mom is so sensitive right now). But they managed it so neither was there at the same time. It did make me sad that my dad wasn’t there right away (he moved back North). I have (had) a very close family and I always imagined everyone there after the birth, me showing off my little baby, etc. My dad was really sad too. He just cried the whole time he was at the hospital, especially when I had mentioned that my brother and his wife brought in food for all of us and how we just hung out all night.

Don’t want to go into that all right now, much more family drama on the horizon that thankfully my dad did not mention the weekend she was born (so he did listen to my rules I guess)

anyway, if you read this, you are a true friend 😉

September 11, 2008. Uncategorized. 6 comments.

One week old!

I can NOT believe it has been one week already today. I still feel like I’m playing house and babysitting. Or maybe I got a guest spot on that baby traders show or whatever it was. Sweetness and I are doing pretty good, with MAJOR thanks to this lady here, feedings are going 1000x better. And today I actually feel like I could do this.

Here’s a little pic of the two of us this morning. Not the best picture of her, but it is the only one where I looked halfway decent so it’ll have to do for now. Today marked the first day I put real clothes on. And by real clothes I mean maternity. Is it sad I was excited that my maternity pants fit comfortably again?? The last few days I’ve felt like such a milk maid all I’ve done is wear a robe. I was pumping or feeding every 2 hours, no real point in getting dressed then.

I’m working on a bunch of different posts, things I want to remember, our stay (and scare) in the hospital. Someday I’ll have them all up. Let me just say one thing though–and I have a feeling I already wrote it down somewhere but the WORST thing about going into the hospital with a fairly easy labor is that every single nurse, from triage on down the line, had to comment about how I was just made to have babies, how many did I have, how soon would I be pregnant again, etc. Drove me crazy. And this is even after they mentioned that my chart said it was an assisted pregnancy–some people just don’t get it, huh?
Thank you for all the good thoughts, throughout this whole process.

September 11, 2008. the sweetness. 17 comments.

The sweetness is here!

This will have to be quick, since I’m losing precious sleeping minutes right now.

Short version: Labor itself–pretty much a breeze, delivery–not so much, breastfeeding–ouch!

Had my first contraction at 12:45 Wednesday night and apparently they were quite real! I woke Mr H up right after posting on here (is it bad that you all knew I might be in labor before my husband did???) around 3:45. He was amazing through it all though, I’m so impressed with him. Around 5:45 I called the drs office, contractions were super variable, sometimes coming as close as 2 minutes apart, other times 8-10 and lasting anywhere from 20 seconds to 2 minutes. He said since I live right between his office and the hospital, why don’t I swing by right before the office opens, he’ll check me out and save me a trip and getting sent home if I’m not far enough along. And then of course he ends with, if it gets worse, feel free to go to the hospital. Well little before 7 I decided to go. Things were still super variable timing wise, but they were just getting SO intense I was having a hard time breathing through them. When I wasn’t contracting, I was fine though. So I was figuring I’d get sent home.

Arrive at triage, they call doc to tell them I came in, doc asks them to check me. Apparently I’m at 8 cm already. No one believes that I could possibly be at 8 and still be joking and carrying on conversations aside from the contractions so all 3 triage nurses end up checking me (lovely, right). They all agree, I’m at 8. They admit me, doc is on his way, and I put in my immediate request for the epidural. Doc gets there in a little bit, I’m already at 9. Says he’s going to change real quick and we’ll be pushing in a few. Anesthesiologist gets there, asks if I can staystill. I was still fine outside of the contractions so we went with it—most amazing thing EVER!!! And I love that he set it low enough that I could still recognize when they were coming, very helpful for the pushing part. Doc comes back, breaks my water, and we started pushing at 9:04. He was VERY glad I did not wait to go into the office 😉

Pushing sucked–my family has pretty big head’s and this kiddo is no exception. What also sucked was that for some reason I was having crazy long contractions (2+ minutes and he said usually they are about 30 seconds) followed by a 5 minute break or so. So I would end up doing 2 sets of pushes per contraction. And then we’d chat about vacation destinations in between…a little surreal. Two hours later Thursday morning at 38 weeks 5 days, with the help of the vacuum, (her heart rate was going way too low since the contractions were so long), The Sweetness arrived! 6 pounds, 15 ounces, 19 1/2 inches of sweetness 😉

She is beautiful and amazing and I pretty much cry every time I look at her. Breastfeeding went amazing at the hospital–not so much at home. Tomorrow we have a pediatrician appt (she’s not really eating at all plus she’s developed a bad rash on her back) and I am scheduling a visit with the lactation consultant. I’ve decided that I just can’t nurse at all out of one side–it is way too painful and they said that once it starts to bleed, that’ll just give her an upset stomach.

Anyway, just wanted to update. Thanks for all the good wishes the last few days. Aside from the expected craziness, since she was early and I was REALLY planning on having this weekend to do some hard core nesting, we weren’t as ready as we wanted to be. But it’ll all work out. Now, fingers crossed, she’s still asleep upstairs and I can catch a few zzz’s.

September 8, 2008. Uncategorized. 36 comments.


Had a bit of an emotional night, ended up sobbing to Mr H for about an hour and I’m still not sure why. Then, around 12:30, I woke up with a major OW! People always say you’ll just know when it’s a real contraction and I didn’t quite believe them but now I know. Been up ever since, in the last hour they’re ranging from every 20 minutes to every 5, no real pattern just yet. And always less than about 20 seconds. So I’m guessing I’ll get to meet this little girl in the next day or so….absolutely crazy. Of course, an hour ago I was crying again that the new memory card for the new camera isn’t in yet.

Oh…and I have completely re-thought my approach to pain meds. I wanted to do as much as I could without the epi and get it only at the end. HA! Breathing my ass, please inject something directly into my spine as soon as possible 😉

And after posting this for you all to see, this better not be a false alarm…

September 4, 2008. Uncategorized. 27 comments.

An eruption

I thought having made it to 38 weeks 4 days meant I was safe…safe from stretch marks across the belly. Now I had a few on each hip, but I had them already from the 6th grade…the horrible year I grew 11 inches. They have grown more, but I didn’t care too much about those. Apparently one is never safe. In the middle of the day, when I went to the bathroom, I noticed that a sea of stretch marks seems to have erupted from my belly button. Seriously, one of those volcano people (magmaologists maybe??) could probably study the way they flow out in circles around it. Oh well, I will happily trade in my bikini wearing days.

In other news, I think tomorrow is my last day of work!! I was already planning on coming in late on Friday for a doctor’s appointment and at this point it isn’t worth the crazy long drive. Being in the car is probably the single most intolerable thing right now (which I recognize means that I am currently living a very blessed life). Part of me is super excited and the other part (the part that has been working her big ol butt off developing all these new fun training series and systems) is a little sad that someone else is going to be implementing it all. I want to do it! Plus, I’m a little worried that I’ll be bored next week. Now I will enjoy napping whenever the mood strikes me and I know there are things I could do around the house, but I know that I am inherently lazy and I won’t do any of them. I will sit in bed, knit, and watch daytime TV. Hmmmm…once again, a blessed life!

Speaking of blessed life, I am beyond happy that my uncle (I definitely consider him a second father) found out that he does not need lung surgery to remove some nodes they found. They had been debating taking half his lung but now say they can remove just the nodes in a day patient procedure. I am SO glad he’s going to be ok!

Oh…and I did take some pictures of the pretty much almost done nursery (still stalking c.raigslist for a glider) but the camera is still upstairs, the computer on my lap here…you see the problem don’t you. Promise they will get done, next week at the latest!

Oh…there’s always one more thing….thank you all for the good wishes lately!! You are all part of the whole blessed life thing 😉

September 3, 2008. Uncategorized. 4 comments.