If it ain’t broke, does it need to be fixed?

I’ve got 12 minutes before I have to wake Sweetness up to take her to PT so I figured I’d use my time productively writing a post as opposed to mindlessly playing on F.acebook. Because this is productive!

Mel had a great post about resolving infertility that put into words what I’ve been feeling so much better than I ever could. I just assumed that when I had a child, through whatever means it took to get said child, that I wouldn’t have to deal with IF anymore. Well you know what they say about assuming. I’ve read other bloggers for whom it’s true but for me, personally, it couldn’t be more false. Yes, the childlessness is gone and the gaping hole in my heart has been filled but I’m still stuck feeling broken. The thought of doing this whole thing over again to give Sweetness a sibling weighs down on me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not laying in bed crying over this 24/7. I do try to enjoy every second of her sweet baby-ness, partially because I know better than to take for granted that I might get to experience it again. But the slightest trigger brings it all back. Could be someone asking me what I’ll do different for #2 or of course, someone joking that I’ve been fixed and better be careful because they know [insert random 16 degrees of separation here] who got pregnant without treatments for their second.

All the language around the IF urban legend of getting pregnant after treatments doesn’t help the feelings of brokeness. So many people have used the verb “fix” when giving me their un-solicited assvice. Yet they tell me not to use “broke”. Huh???

So with 1 minute left, that’s where my head is at. I was trying not to blog about it too much. I mean really, who wants to read about someone lucky enough to have a baby complain about IF or feeling broke. But I might be blogging it out more often, just to clear my head. So thanks in advance for putting up with me.

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June 10, 2009. feelings, IF.

5 Comments

  1. Jen replied:

    I'll put up with you anytime. 🙂 Besides, I am interested in what you have to say about this.

  2. Silya replied:

    This is a very legitimate issue to discuss, and I am very interested in what you have to say. It's important to consider the long-term impact of infertility, and how resolving the "childlessness" doesn't automatically resolve the emotional weight that infertility brings. I've appreciated Mel's post on this as well.

  3. Jennifer replied:

    I get so irritated when people I know tell me how "easy" it will be for me to get preggo "naturally" now that I already had Julian…that my body is now ripened for the next round!

    SHEESH, people are so ignorant…sorry you're having a hard time…it's understandable, completely, put your feelings out there as much as you need to and want!!!

  4. Sticky Bun replied:

    I hear you! I also find it hard to blog about IF after having the stickies. It's hard.

    This is such an amazing and supportive community, though. I know I'll be checking in to see how you're processing this!

  5. Mrs. Gamgee replied:

    Stopping by from blogger bingo…

    It's horrible what IF takes from us. Our joy at seeing the two lines is overwhelmed by fear of loss. Our innocence of assuming that it's a natural process and will happen easily being defeated by the sadness of cycle after cycle. And then the feeling separate from every other woman on the planet. And even when/if we get our dream come true, we may never feel complete in the way we did before we started down this road.

    (wow… who knew I would ramble that much)

    Take care!

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