I’m struggling with what to call today. Two years ago today was the IUI that brought me Sweetness. Two years ago I was sitting in a waiting room, trying not to cry at the 3 pre-schoolers running around and playing. I get that it was a Saturday 2 days before Christmas so child care is tough to find but really 3….they couldn’t have all played outside or something???) In that waiting room I was thinking about the next step meeting (IVF consult) my RE told me to schedule if this didn’t work out. I was thinking about the fact that Mr H and I were not on the same page at all about our next steps. I was thinking that if my mom made one more comment about Christmas being for the kids I might actually hurt her. I was thinking of the promise I had made to myself back in Christmas 06. And then when we got called back, I was thinking that I just wanted my dr to make eye contact with me. That so far, I hadn’t met any insensitive drs at my clinic, until now. But no, he was all business….did his “nice, high insemination” and then off he went.
And today, 2 years later, I’ve got myself a little Sweetness. She and I have both been sick the last few days and yesterday I was out of patience. But today at 9:30, right when I had been sitting in that waiting room struggling 2 years ago, when she signed “more book” for the thousandth time, I didn’t try to hide it under the couch cushions, instead I kissed her on the head, gave her an extra snuggle, said a prayer of thanks, and read to her through my tears.
So what is today? I think labeling (or even remembering) days like this is something exclusive to the IF community. I know other people who remember the day they found out they were pregnant and while I do remember that, for some reason this is more meaningful to me. Is it her conception day? I mean, technically in this case, yes. But that sounds weird to me…and wouldn’t necessarily work for those who did IVF. What do you call your days like this??
Hope that is. It’s amazing how she sneaks in when you aren’t paying attention.
A little background. Back in mid November, we decided to figure out our medical finances for the new year, specifically how much we should set aside in our flex accts. Of course this turned into a talk on when to try for another baby. It was a little funny. Our roles were reversed. Mr. H is rearing to go, wants to head back to the drs in the spring. I really put the brakes on, I just didn’t feel ready to hop back on the rollercoaster. We decided to start timing things in the spring (likely a futile effort) and call the professsionals in the fall.
Fast forward a week and I’ve got the whole mittlesmertz in full effect. Happened to also be a weekend we had a little extra energy if you get my drift. What do I spend those next 2 weeks doing? You guessed it, over analyzing EVERYTHING. And what happened…you guessed it again. How pathetic am I? Why would I think that even with perfect timing I would end up pregnant? And why did I care so much?? I had just said that I wasn’t ready and wanted some time
I actually said that to someone today. Well, I emailed it to them. I can’t quite believe I did it, I almost considered it a curse word at one point.
My cousin’s wife wants to have 6 kids. She’s halfway there and started trying for #4 last month. With the first 3 she got pregnant the first time trying. So she has never known what it is like to not see that second line. Until now. She emailed me, texted, and called in tears last night because she is not pregnant. She said she knows exactly what I went through and apologized for any insensitive comments she might have made. And then she asked me what she should do next.
I’m not going to lie. I sat on the email over night and didn’t call her back. I don’t think I could. And I drafted a few different responses to her before settling on one I liked. Once I settled down I did want to respect her pain. Because let’s face it, who among us wasn’t sad the first cycle? I certainly was. I wanted to be that one…the one whose husband just had to look at her and ‘poof’, pregnant. So I get that she was sad. And that’s what I said to her. I told her I understood her sadness because as soon as we decide to pull the goalie, we love those potential babies. So each time we don’t get pregnant, we grieve those potential babies. But then I told her that until she had done that 30 times, and given herself shots, and watched the sunrise waiting for a vag ultrasound, and had a doctor between her legs when it should be her husband, she still has no idea what I, or anyone else with infertility went through. I reminded her of the 1 in 8 and, that most likely, at least one of her friends IS going through infertility. And then I said the r word. I told her she should relax about the whole thing, open a bottle of wine, and have some fun. I told her I was saying this NOT because I think relaxing has a damn thing to do with getting pregnant but that she most likely did not have to worry about infertility, or even sub-fertility.
I’m sitting here completely regretting hitting ‘send’. Part of me thinks I might have been a bit hard on her with the whole ‘you have no idea’ bit. And I do hope I walked the fine line between respecting her feelings and telling her that she probably doesn’t need to worry. Because I would bet just about anything that in a few short weeks (most likely 4) she’ll send out that stupid pee stick picture.
So I guess even an infertile will say the r word every once in a while…