Just relax

I actually said that to someone today.  Well, I emailed it to them.  I can’t quite believe I did it, I almost considered it a curse word at one point. 

My cousin’s wife wants to have 6 kids.  She’s halfway there and started trying for #4 last month.  With the first 3 she got pregnant the first time trying.  So she has never known what it is like to not see that second line.  Until now.  She emailed me, texted, and called in tears last night because she is not pregnant.  She said she knows exactly what I went through and apologized for any insensitive comments she  might have made.  And then she asked me what she should do next.

I’m not going to lie.  I sat on the email over night and didn’t call her back.  I don’t think I could.  And I drafted a few different responses to her before settling on one I liked.  Once I settled down I did want to respect her pain.  Because let’s face it, who among us wasn’t sad the first cycle?  I certainly was.  I wanted to be that one…the one whose husband just had to look at her and ‘poof’, pregnant.  So I get that she was sad.  And that’s what I said to her.  I told her I understood her sadness because as soon as we decide to pull the goalie, we love those potential babies.  So each time we don’t get pregnant, we grieve those potential babies.  But then I told her that until she had done that 30 times, and given herself shots, and watched the sunrise waiting for a vag ultrasound, and had a doctor between her legs when it should be her husband, she still has no idea what I, or anyone else with infertility went through.  I reminded her of the 1 in 8 and, that most likely, at least one of her friends IS going through infertility.  And then I said the r word.  I told her she should relax about the whole thing, open a bottle of wine, and have some fun.  I told her I was saying this NOT because I think relaxing has a damn thing to do with getting pregnant but that she most likely did not have to worry about infertility, or even sub-fertility. 

I’m sitting here completely regretting hitting ‘send’.  Part of me thinks I might have been a bit hard on her with the whole ‘you have no idea’ bit.  And I do hope I walked the fine line between respecting her feelings and telling her that she probably doesn’t need to worry.  Because I would bet just about anything that in a few short weeks (most likely 4) she’ll send out that stupid pee stick picture. 

So I guess even an infertile will say the r word every once in a while…


December 15, 2009. Uncategorized.


  1. Heather replied:

    I think the reply was perfect. Much nicer and more respectful than I could have been. You are a very gracious person.

  2. Michell replied:

    I’ll agree that was a great response. Your e-mail sounds well worded and both acknowledges her pain and yet points out that she’s a long way from feeling your pain. I won’t say that she’ll love the response but hopefully she will consider it and not take it badly.

  3. Amanda replied:

    I think the response was perfect. No one can claim to know your pain, it’s your own. I think it’s great that she apologized for her insensitivity, but she’s still clueless.

    “Relax” is the prefect thing to tell her!

  4. noschoolmum replied:

    I think your response was great. She really DOES have no idea!

  5. scarredbellybutton replied:

    Sorry, wrong login.

  6. V replied:

    I think you were way nicer than I would have been.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

Trackback URI