Admitting it is the first step

I have had so much fun reading through Le Creme the last few days and I started to feel bad that I had never submitted anything.  I read back over all my posts and I swear, all my good ones are sitting there as drafts.  All of them I either didn’t have time to perfect or something about them made me feel guily at about posting.  I need to get over my perfection issues and self-censorship. 

Anyway, back to the topic at hand.  Admittance is the first step to coming to terms with something and getting help, right?  So here goes…On December 5th, I cried when I got my period.  And again, on January 5th, I cried again.  (Sidebar–I should have been freakin ecstatic that all of my cycles since June have been between 29 and 31 days…that’s pretty amazing for me.  But I digress)  Up until then I didn’t really seem to care.  Yeah, I was aware of the fact that I wasn’t doing anything to prevent a pregnancy and the fact that I wasn’t getting pregnant wasn’t lost on me, but it didn’t faze me.  Then we had that long car ride talk about when we wanted to try again.  And if you remember, I was the one who wanted to wait.  Who didn’t want to get all crazy again.  Who didn’t want to be crying and feeling like a failure.  Then literally 3 weeks later, I’m crying, digging out the tampons.  What is up with me?

So now I am admitting it…I want to be pregnant again.  I want more Sweetness in my life.  When I started this blog I wrote that the title comes from song lyrics that go “Everybody wants a little sweetness,  nothing wrong, nothing wrong, nothing wrong”  Because all I wanted was just a little bit of Sweetness in my life.  But then just recently the song came on my Ipod and I heard the last verse more clearly than I have in a really long time…

I should end this story here, now that all is well
But you know, and I know that there’s always more to tell
I’m the singer so I choose the sweetness that I pour
I’d like to leave you wanting more
I’m the singer measuring the sweetness that I pour
We only need a little but we’re always wanting more

I should end my story now, all is well. Mr H and I are in a good place, I have the most beautiful little girl I could ever imagine (even if she is teething 3 molars right now and is miserable), we’re all healthy, got good jobs, we’re ok money wise.  But I can’t, because now that I’ve gotten a little taste of just how sweet life can be, I want more.  I’m back to starling longingly at pregnant bellies.  I want to experience it all again, I rushed it away last time.  I was so worried about making it to the next milestone that I didn’t take the time to enjoy it.  I want one last time to do it right.  But mostly I just want a little more sweetness…

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January 18, 2010. Tags: . Uncategorized.

7 Comments

  1. Angie replied:

    I completely know how you feel! I constantly have this inner battle over wanting more. We have a gorgeous, healthy little boy, a nice house, good jobs, are financially stable – yet, I can’t get past the feeling that there is still something (or someone)missing. I’m right there with you. I just hope your journey is a short one.

  2. g replied:

    I can understand. Completely, and I am greedier since I already have two of the little buggers,

    g

  3. Michell replied:

    I hear you. I hope you get a little more sweetness.

  4. LJ replied:

    Yep, I hear you. We’ve had lots of money talks lately, because that sweetness is addictive.

  5. Miss K (Kate) replied:

    I hope you will get the sweetness you want. 🙂

  6. JJ replied:

    A little more sweetness is ALWAYS welcome–its hard not to want to keep life really sweet 🙂 Hope for you, sweetie

  7. Just Wishing and Hoping replied:

    This might be the worst part of the whole infertility battle for me. I feel greedy wanting more than one when I know I would be so lucky to have just one little sweetness in the first place.

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