Admitting it is the first step
I have had so much fun reading through Le Creme the last few days and I started to feel bad that I had never submitted anything. I read back over all my posts and I swear, all my good ones are sitting there as drafts. All of them I either didn’t have time to perfect or something about them made me feel guily at about posting. I need to get over my perfection issues and self-censorship.
Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Admittance is the first step to coming to terms with something and getting help, right? So here goes…On December 5th, I cried when I got my period. And again, on January 5th, I cried again. (Sidebar–I should have been freakin ecstatic that all of my cycles since June have been between 29 and 31 days…that’s pretty amazing for me. But I digress) Up until then I didn’t really seem to care. Yeah, I was aware of the fact that I wasn’t doing anything to prevent a pregnancy and the fact that I wasn’t getting pregnant wasn’t lost on me, but it didn’t faze me. Then we had that long car ride talk about when we wanted to try again. And if you remember, I was the one who wanted to wait. Who didn’t want to get all crazy again. Who didn’t want to be crying and feeling like a failure. Then literally 3 weeks later, I’m crying, digging out the tampons. What is up with me?
So now I am admitting it…I want to be pregnant again. I want more Sweetness in my life. When I started this blog I wrote that the title comes from song lyrics that go “Everybody wants a little sweetness, nothing wrong, nothing wrong, nothing wrong” Because all I wanted was just a little bit of Sweetness in my life. But then just recently the song came on my Ipod and I heard the last verse more clearly than I have in a really long time…
I should end this story here, now that all is well
But you know, and I know that there’s always more to tell
I’m the singer so I choose the sweetness that I pour
I’d like to leave you wanting more
I’m the singer measuring the sweetness that I pour
We only need a little but we’re always wanting more
I should end my story now, all is well. Mr H and I are in a good place, I have the most beautiful little girl I could ever imagine (even if she is teething 3 molars right now and is miserable), we’re all healthy, got good jobs, we’re ok money wise. But I can’t, because now that I’ve gotten a little taste of just how sweet life can be, I want more. I’m back to starling longingly at pregnant bellies. I want to experience it all again, I rushed it away last time. I was so worried about making it to the next milestone that I didn’t take the time to enjoy it. I want one last time to do it right. But mostly I just want a little more sweetness…
Angie replied:
I completely know how you feel! I constantly have this inner battle over wanting more. We have a gorgeous, healthy little boy, a nice house, good jobs, are financially stable – yet, I can’t get past the feeling that there is still something (or someone)missing. I’m right there with you. I just hope your journey is a short one.
January 18, 2010 at 5:16 pm. Permalink.
g replied:
I can understand. Completely, and I am greedier since I already have two of the little buggers,
g
January 18, 2010 at 6:26 pm. Permalink.
Michell replied:
I hear you. I hope you get a little more sweetness.
January 18, 2010 at 9:41 pm. Permalink.
LJ replied:
Yep, I hear you. We’ve had lots of money talks lately, because that sweetness is addictive.
January 19, 2010 at 9:41 am. Permalink.
Miss K (Kate) replied:
I hope you will get the sweetness you want. 🙂
January 19, 2010 at 12:58 pm. Permalink.
JJ replied:
A little more sweetness is ALWAYS welcome–its hard not to want to keep life really sweet 🙂 Hope for you, sweetie
January 21, 2010 at 10:59 am. Permalink.
Just Wishing and Hoping replied:
This might be the worst part of the whole infertility battle for me. I feel greedy wanting more than one when I know I would be so lucky to have just one little sweetness in the first place.
February 23, 2010 at 3:38 pm. Permalink.