Zen

I’m trying to be zen.  Zen is not my forte, especially when it comes to things like this.  The only reason I tested this past weekend was to invoke Murphy’s Law of IF.  I wanted my period to come then since Mr H and I are hitting the open seas on a cruise at the end of this week.   I really didn’t want to deal with my period then.  With Sweetness busy getting spoiled rotten by her grandparents, our plan was to rest, eat, and drink.  Of course, for a reason like this I’m more than happy to skip the drinking.  My head just keeps going back to November 07.  When I was equally happy and scared about a surprise positive on a pregnancy test.  5 days later the test was blindingly white and the beta dropped from 46 down to 2. 
 
Speaking of beta, in my effort to be zen, I decided not to get one.  Partially because I have a really hard time believing it is real and I actually keep forgetting about it so I haven’t called.  But also because I’ve been around long enough to see really low betas turn into chubby little babies and to see high betas end in miscarriages.  The number alone doesn’t really mean anything.
 
Mr H said he just isn’t going to think about it for another 4 weeks or so when it’ll be more real.  I so wish I could compartmentalize like that.  I try, really I do.  And I haven’t done some of the things I used to do.  Haven’t checked what the due date would be (rough math tells me sometime in November), haven’t called my OB, etc.  Again,  mostly because I’m in denial and calling an OB to schedule a pre-natal appointment would be putting this out into the universe.  For now I want to fly under the radar.  That way no one can take it away from me.  But I still was driving home the other day and I teared up thinking about how much I would really love to give Mr H a baby sometime in November.  When it’s all out of my control.  There is nothing I can do to ensure that happens.  So I’m just going to let go….well…try to let go….
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March 9, 2010. Tags: . Uncategorized.

10 Comments

  1. A'Dell replied:

    Meghan, we are so twins. I am with you here and you are SO RIGHT about the beta number. I never wanted to POAS for the same reason. It’ss happen or it won’t. It will only stress you out. I love that you are trying to just enjoy it and roll with it.

    Thinking about you!

  2. Michell replied:

    I don’t know if I could be that Zen to not do a beta but good for you. The question is are you still peeing on sticks???

  3. Michell replied:

    Oh, and fun on your cruise!!!

  4. HereWeGoAJen replied:

    I think that was a good call on the no-beta. I have got my fingers crossed and I am going to keep them that way.

  5. Bean replied:

    I’m impressed, I don’t think I’d be nearly as patient as you are! Just know that I’m crossing everything for you!!!

  6. Heather replied:

    Thinking of you.

  7. Deborah replied:

    When is/was AF due? Are you still feeling those symptoms? Apparently I am not as patient as you, but wishing you the best!

  8. maresi replied:

    I hope you’re enjoying the cruise, relaxing and getting sun. Can’t wait to hear what happens next.

  9. TeamWinks replied:

    I so wish I could have half of your zen! I’m with everybody else, thinking and hoping/wishing for you. How late are you anyway?

  10. Delenn replied:

    Wishing and hoping the best.

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