I am a judger, I admit it. And one thing I always judged people for was wishing their babies out of their bellies before those babies were ready. I don’t completely understand elective inductions before 40 weeks. Yeah, I get that it’s uncomfortable to have a full grown baby rolling around inside of you, but the kid will come when he or she is good and ready.
But this time around, I NEED this baby to come a little bit early. Luckily, everyone, dr included, seems to think that she will oblige. You see, my due date is November 12th. If she comes just a little bit early, around 39 weeks, she’ll be born the exact same time I miscarried our first baby in 2007. I don’t think anyone else even remembers that baby even existed, but I do. I mentioned it in passing (as if it hasn’t been on my mind constantly the last few weeks) to Mr H and he basically told me to get over it. When he saw that was NOT the answer I was looking for, he then told me that having the baby then would turn early November around for me and make it a happy time.
On one hand, I get what he is saying. But on the other, I am the only person who remembers and loves that baby. I’m not all doom and gloom thinking about her (I was so sure it was a girl, which given my track record on predicting the sex means it was probably a boy) all the time. In early July, when she would have been born, I get a little wistful about planning a 4th of July birthday party. In early November, I most definitely remember the miscarriage and think of her often. In between, I think of her occasionally, mostly just when I hear of someone taking their early pregnancy for granted or when someone else has a miscarriage. I hardly consider that being obsessed with her.
To me, it is just about remembering. And it is no different than how I remember my Grandfather. His was the other death that hit me in the core. I remember him on his birthday, on the anniversary of his death, and other times when something makes me think of him. The difference is though, that I come from a large, close, loving family and there are LOTS of people that remember him. The anniversary of his death just passed and all of us cousins were emailing around our favorite stories of him. If I had forgotten what that day was, someone would have quickly reminded me. This baby doesn’t have that…and as her momma, I need to make sure that she doesn’t get forgotten or left behind. And I think I can do that without being obsessed.
Ultimately, it is important to me that she be remembered and I like the idea of her having her own time. For the short little time she was with me, she was so loved. And I don’t necessarily want the memory of her pushed aside as birthday parties get planned each year. In a perfect world, this current baby would be born the last week in October and my angel could keep her week in November. It’s really all she has. No one else remembers and I don’t want to ever accidentally forget.
Am I crazy? Should I just get over it all?