Remembering

I am a judger, I admit it.  And one thing I always judged people for was wishing their babies out of their bellies before those babies were ready.  I don’t completely understand elective inductions  before 40 weeks.  Yeah, I get that it’s uncomfortable to have a full grown baby rolling around inside of you, but the kid will come when he or she is good and ready.

But this time around, I NEED this baby to come a little bit early.  Luckily, everyone, dr included, seems to think that she will oblige.  You see, my due date is November 12th.  If she comes just a little bit early, around 39 weeks, she’ll be born the exact same time I miscarried our first baby in 2007.  I don’t think anyone else even remembers that baby even existed, but I do.  I mentioned it in passing (as if it hasn’t been on my mind constantly the last few weeks) to Mr H and he basically told me to get over it.  When he saw that was NOT the answer I was looking for, he then told me that having the baby then would turn early November around for me and make it a happy time. 

On one hand, I get what he is saying.  But on the other, I am the only person who remembers and loves that baby.  I’m not all doom and gloom thinking about her (I was so sure it was a girl, which given my track record on predicting the sex means it was probably a boy) all the time.  In early July, when she would have been born, I get a little wistful about planning a 4th of July birthday party.  In early November, I most definitely remember the miscarriage and think of her often.  In between, I think of her occasionally, mostly just when I hear of someone taking their early pregnancy for granted or when someone else has a miscarriage.  I hardly consider that being obsessed with her. 

To me, it is just about remembering.  And it is no different than how I remember my Grandfather.  His was the other death that hit me in the core.  I remember him on his birthday, on the anniversary of his death, and other times when something makes me think of him.  The difference is though, that I come from a large, close, loving family and there are LOTS of people that remember him.  The anniversary of his death just passed and all of us cousins were emailing around our favorite stories of him.  If I had forgotten what that day was, someone would have quickly reminded me.  This baby doesn’t have that…and as her momma, I need to make sure that she doesn’t get forgotten or left behind.  And I think I can do that without being obsessed.

Ultimately, it is important to me that she be remembered and I like the idea of her having her own time.  For the short little time she was with me, she was so loved.  And I don’t necessarily want the memory of her pushed aside as birthday parties get planned each year.  In a perfect world, this current baby would be born the last week in October and my angel could keep her week in November.  It’s really all she has.  No one else remembers and I don’t want to ever accidentally forget. 

Am I crazy?  Should I just get over it all?

Advertisements

October 11, 2010. Uncategorized.

10 Comments

  1. BigP's Heather replied:

    I don’t think it is crazy. Every milestone Katherine reaches it makes me think about her twin who isn’t here. What would things be like with both my daughters here?

    When we get to Heaven and our children greet us, they will be glad we always held them in our hearts.

  2. maresi replied:

    I don’t think you’re crazy at all. I think it’s completely understandable to want to give your first baby her own time.

  3. battynurse replied:

    No, you’re not crazy.
    Hugs to you.

  4. HereWeGoAJen replied:

    No, you aren’t crazy. It totally makes sense to me. Start jumping on trampolines and eating spicy food and all that. Besides, how fun would Halloween themed birthday parties be?

    We remember her with you. 🙂

  5. Jendeis replied:

    I don’t think you’re crazy at all, or that you need to (or could) just get over it.

    I will say though that even if this little one and your first have the same birthday week or month, that that also can be something special, something that they share.

  6. Rebecca @ Unexplained X2 replied:

    I get it…you’re not crazy. Remember how you need to remember…hope you’re feeling well.

  7. cheryllookingforward replied:

    I understand. My son was born exactly one year after my D&C from my second miscarriage. I think of it as a wonderful way to honor my baby boy.

  8. Kristen replied:

    I feel the same duty to remember and honor the baby I lost around the time I miscarried and when he would’ve been born. I had an early miscarriage and often it seems people consider this the loss of a baby-to-be and something not to dwell on. To me, I lost my baby and as his mother, I will always honor his life, despite the fact that it was short and despite the fact that he only ever existed inside of me.

    I’m sure that regardless of what day your baby is born, you will continue to remember the child you lost. One child does not replace another and your heart will have room to love and honor both.

  9. Kristen replied:

    I feel the same duty to remember and honor the baby I lost around the time I miscarried and when he would’ve been born. I had an early miscarriage and often it seems people consider this the loss of a baby-to-be and something not to dwell on. To me, I lost my baby and as his mother, I will always honor his life, despite the fact that it was short and despite the fact that he only ever existed inside of me.

    I’m sure that regardless of what day your baby is born, you will continue to remember the child you lost. One child does not replace another and your heart will have room to love and honor both.

  10. Nelly replied:

    “To me, I lost my baby and as his mother, I will always honor his life, despite the fact that it was short and despite the fact that he only ever existed inside of me.”

    Couldn’t have said it better.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Trackback URI