It just shouldn’t happen

Babies shouldn’t be born sick and they shouldn’t die.  It’s just not right.

When we first moved here last August, I was pregnant with A and our neighbor about 3 houses down was also pregnant.  People told me she was on bedrest but due right about the same time as me.  I wasn’t an in your face pregnant person and I didn’t really talk much about the pregnancy and since she was on bedrest I didn’t really get a chance to talk to her.  I later find our through the rumor mill that the baby has a condition incompatible with life.  And my heart broke, because here I was planning for our addition to our family and she was planning for her baby to die.  It didn’t compute.

The baby was born a few weeks after A and an email went out that they were going to be in hospice for the next 2 weeks and we all signed up to bring food and help take care of the other kids.  To be perfectly honest, I then forgot about them and didn’t really follow up.  In May, at the Memorial Day block party, the whole neighbor hood sang happy birthday to her.  I was so happy that A was home napping.  I couldn’t have bared to see my happy thriving 6 month old next to their baby. 

As the summer went on we saw them more and more.  I don’t know the exact condition the baby had but she never gained any weight and still looked like a preemie.  And the mom definitely distanced herself from us.  How could she not?  I know when trying to get pregnant I would always compare myself to those who were pregnant at the time we started trying.  I tracked their pregnancies, their children.  I tracked the people who lapped us.  It was impossible for me not to.

The baby died today, just after her first birthday.  My heart is breaking.  I saw the ambulances down the street and saw other neighbors running down the street and then leaving with the other 2 kids.  All I could do is pick up the girls and kiss them.  Because as much as this parenting thing is hard and they can drive me crazy, I do not know what I would do if they weren’t here.  And every time I say they’re growing up too fast and I want them to stay a baby…no…I want them to grow and thrive and move away from me.  I want to visit them in college and help decorate their first apartment.

So today I again signed up to bring them dinner.  I”m making some lasagna and Bolognese sauce.  How on earth does that help when their baby is dead?  And I know that we are now those people.  Every year when we have birthday balloons out, it will be yet another reminder of their little girl.  They will see A at every neighborhood function and she’ll be doing what their baby should be doing.  It kills me that we will continue to cause her pain.  And my stupid lasagna does nothing to help. 

It just shouldn’t happen. Period.


December 16, 2011. Uncategorized.


  1. HereWeGoAJen replied:

    Oh, that’s awful. I’ll be thinking about them.

    But your lasagna will help, just a little. It can’t help REALLY, but it does help. Trust me.

  2. BigP's Heather replied:

    How horrible. I’m so sorry. For them, and for you.

    And it isn’t about the lasagna, not really. It is about reaching out and letting them know you care – in whatever form that takes (lasagna, laundry, child care, card, etc).

    I was DREADING my 30th birthday. My BFF’s little brother died that morning. Now, every birthday, I remember that it isn’t all about me, that I should be happy to be a year older. It also is an EASY date for me to remember and so when my birthday is coming up, I remember to send a card to my BFF and to her parents. It means so much to them that I remember their son.

    Maybe, having A’s birthday right around the date will help you remember a date that is important to them too and you can reach out. I think they will appreciate it, especially in two+ years when many neighbors may not remember anymore.

  3. Deborah replied:

    How awful! maybe, when you drop off the lasagna, you can leave a card with a shortened version of what you wrote here. How wrong it is that things like this happen, how you are thinking of her but imagine it would be hard for her to see A growing and healthy… that might mean something to her, more than the lasagna (but the lasagna will help too, especially if she’s got 2 kids to take care of).

  4. battynurse replied:

    Wow, I’m so sorry for their loss. How sad. I do like Deborah’s reply. My thoughts are with them and you.

  5. Mel replied:

    I read this post with my hand over my mouth. My heart goes out to your neighbour.

  6. Frenchie replied:

    That story is so heartbreaking. No the lasagne can’t do anything to ease their grief, but, it IS helping, I think!

    I like what BigP’sHeather and the other folks had to say here, too.

    Thanks for stopping by my blog. Good to hear from you.

  7. My favorite things « A Little Sweetness replied:

    […] for all your kind words and advice on my last post.  You all had some great ideas that I am definitely going to […]

  8. Rebecca replied:

    No, it shouldn’t…so sad.

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