Shadows

11dpiui+6:15 pm+bladder held for just under 2 hours=the lightest of shadows on my last dollar tree test. It is the type of shadow only someone with 30 cycles under her belt can make out (well, it’s a bit darker than that).

There is no way it would show up in a picture and I’m certainly not going to start cleaning out the shoe room just yet, but it’s hard not to feel the slightest hint of excitement. And it should be faint, because it’s still a little early, right? I’ve got a first response left too and that wins the honor of the first pee of the day tomorrow. Not to get too far ahead of myself, but if that is also positive I’ll be begging to move my beta up from Monday to Friday.

Again, I can’t let myself get too worked up and I’m not saying anything to Mr H just yet since I can’t bare to disappoint him again. Or myself, since I now have the pleasure of knowing just how fleeting a pregnancy can be and how much a chemical sucks. If I make it past 4 days of positive sticks and a beta that goes up instead of down, I’ll consider this one better than the last.

Speaking of Mr H, please keep him in your thoughts, he’s having sinus surgery tomorrow morning and is understandably nervous. The worst part to him is that his nose will be packed for 24 hours so he won’t be able to breathe. Think of me too, since he can be a bad patient. Really, really hoping I have some good news for him when he comes out of surgery. I won’t tell him beforehand.

In other news, I am loving Mel’s Creme de la Creme. If you haven’t checked it out yet, it’s a must read. And if you haven’t submitted a post yet, she’s still accepting them. I started looking at it yesterday but decided to save it for the next 2 days while I’m housebound with the recuperating Mr H. It is such an amazing collection and really seems to be an accurate portrayal of the diverse group we are.

January 2, 2008. 2ww, iui #2, pee sticks. 13 comments.

Dirty rotten liar

Yup, that’s me. A no-good, good for nothin‘ liar. A mere 2 days ago I said I was NOT going to read into every ache and twinge. I would NOT set myself up like that. And that every day I was going to recognize that this has a much higher chance of not working.

Yeah…well…I lied. But I said all of those things before some really weird shit started happening. Since I know you are all on the edge of your seats, I’ll share every little detail. It all started with flossing (oral hygiene is important people). As I leaned over my sink and reached up to get the floss, my lower abdomen pressed into the countertop. Totally normal thing, probably happens dozens of times any given day. But yesterday it hurt. And I mean it really hurt. It made me gasp out loud and stop what I was going. When I pressed down, my abdomen was hard. Very bizzare. Then last night, I had weird, intense cramping that woke me out of a sound sleep. Now the last time I had that intense cramping that woke me up at night, it was 2 days before the positive in my chemical pregnancy (not that I really want to use that experience as a reference point, it’s just all I’ve got). I was up for 2 hours with cramps that would not go away.

Now I’m only 6dpiui. Rationally, I know it’s on the early side for implantation but nothing about this whole experience is rational. I lost rational thought about a year ago. So now I know that I am going to drive myself crazy for the next week. And that I’ve let Hope sneak in the side door, when I had done such a good job keeping her out.

On the plus side, I found a way to ignore the boobs. Since they really are the biggest liars. Sports bra. Keeps them in so nice and tight, I don’t feel a thing. So it’s one obsession I’ve managed to avoid.

Can I just say one more thing about why this better f-ing work? Because we met people at C.actus C.antina last night and I did not have a margarita…that better not be for nothing people!

(thanks for reading along with my nonsense)

December 28, 2007. 2ww, iui #2. 17 comments.

Merry christmas!

It was so fun to read everyone’s christmas posts this morning.

We had a pretty good christmas on our end. Neither Mr H or I stuck to the limit we set so I walked away from the day with sparkly new diamond earrings and he is the proud owner of a new flat screen tv. It’s only money, right?!?! We both rationalized it by saying we’ve had a hard year.

The big surprise of the day was a very large check from my parents. I still haven’t read the accompanying note completely since I cry every time I start. While I still think they don’t completely get what we are going through, it was very nice for them to recognize at least one aspect of it. And it’ll certainly help the cause.

Since this is the first December break we haven’t gone out of town, we are gearing up for some home improvement and crossing things off our to-do list (like yesterday when I realized BOTH tail lights are out on the back of my car….oops). So today was the vet (poor little guy got a clean bill of health though) and the car. Tomorrow, we’re painting our bedroom. We’ve lived here 3 years and it is still two-toned from the previous owners…who for some reason, were very into two-toning rooms.

All of this is to trick myself into keeping busy and not perseverating on this 2ww. I am having such a hard time not being overly hopeful, given that so far, this is the best chance we’ve had. I promised I would not read into every twinge I get but it’s too late on that one. At least I know to not trust a single thing that comes from the boobs…they’re dead to me. For some reason, the pr.ometrium isn’t having all of the same side effects it did the last 2 times I took it. I am free flowing, not backed up at all! Of course, this makes me wonder if it is really working.

Enough ramblings. If you’re back at work today, I hope it’s at least slow for you. And if not, enjoy your vacay!

December 26, 2007. 2ww, iui #2. 12 comments.

37 million!

Mr H is feeling like quite the stud this morning. 37 mil is our best post wash count yet. It was also his best pre-wash at 109 million. My only concern now is that my husband likes bad porn way too much. On the drive to breakfast after his ‘appointment’, he ranted and raved about the selections in the man room, that it was mostly just guy on guy. He went as far as to say it caused a derection and that I shouldn’t get my hopes up for a good number. So now I’m a little worried about him.

Now the balancing act starts. That fine line between hope and realism. Hope brings about expectations….which just leads to disappointment. It is so hard not to be excited about this cycle. They’re sure I had at least 3, maybe 4 follicles. Add the count results to that and how can a girl not get her hopes up?!? But I had such a hard fall earlier this month, I want to do a better job at not setting myself up to be hurt like that. They scheduled my beta for Jan 7…which will be 16dpiui…that is SOOOOO long. How on earth I am going to manage to wait THAT long? Time to make a trip to the dollar store I think

In other news, still fighting this stupid cold. Took a 3 hr nap today, hoping that kicks it out of my system. And I managed to come up with some holiday cheer last night. We had fun decorating the tree and I wrapped all of the presents. It does make me smile to see the tree all decorated, the stockings, and of course, the presents! Out to dinner and drinks with some friends that are back in town for the holiday. I’ll be trying the subtle, nursing one drink thing. We’ll see how it goes.

December 22, 2007. 2ww, iui #2. 14 comments.

one day to go

I need someone to help me figure out why, with the roads barely wet and a few little flurries falling, my 35 minute commute needs to take over 2 hours. Why?? It was ridiculous this morning. People are just idiots sometimes. A women decided to stop 2 lanes of traffic in order to get her side mirror that was crumpled on the highway. They aren’t putting it back on lady! And yet you felt the need to block off these 2 lanes for 5 minutes while you picked up the pieces of you car….get out of the freakin road, you’ve got bigger problems than the mirror, your car is completely smooshed. Between the traffic and the meds, I was really ready to run her over. Instead, I sat there fuming thinking ‘I SO need to move back north’. But at least it was a 2 hour distraction.

To add to the minus column, really bad cramps last night, AF style. But for the plus side, this is my longest LP ever. So we’re still pretty even. Had a google emergency last night. About 2 hours after inserting my Pr.ometrium, I went to the bathroom, and the capsule fell out. I really wanted to take another but everything I found said that if its in for 20 minutes, you got all the meds. Hoping Dr Google is right. Of course that couldn’t have happened with my morning dose so I could call the nurse.

Thanks again for the support and good wishes. I’ll be testing tomorrow morning before my beta. Not sure when I’ll be able to update that day

December 5, 2007. 2ww, arg, IUI #1. 13 comments.

Still nothing

I stayed strong this morning and didn’t test. Mainly because we have people staying with us and I couldn’t have handled the negative since at this point (13 dpiui) it would be pretty damn accurate. And for that reason, I won’t be testing tomorrow morning either. I really don’t want to be in tears dropping these people off at the metro. I will though, before the beta, just to have my moment by myself (since the house guests will be gone).

Oh, and another note to self: When 13 dpiui, do not wear your red (really blood red) underwear. I swear I cursed every single time I went to the bathroom today (which was a lot). The pr.ometrium drips do not help that situation either (sorry, that was probably a bit tmi)

Still no AF-type cramps, so that’s a plus. Still waking up all sweaty, a minus. Still crazy huge, painful boobs, a plus. Face so broken up I need to dip it in a vat of concealer, a minus. Still no spotting, another plus. Yes, I literally have a plus/minus table going here. Problem is, all of the plus signs can all be explained by the Pr.ometium.

At this point, as much as I want a positive, I just want to know and move on if I have to. I’m tired of this freaking wait.

Thanks for all the good thoughts though, I appreciate it. And I love all my new commentors (not sure if that’s a word). I promise to update my blog soon, but you’re all in my bloglines and I love reading your stories!

December 5, 2007. 2ww, arg, IUI #1. 12 comments.

What a Monday

I definitely have a case of the Monday’s. (I think that is the 2nd time I’ve quoted this movie in the same week…please tell me you all know it)

I woke up at 5 this morning with crazy night sweats (not sure if that’s considered morning sweats). And I usually get those the day before AF shows up so of course I wasn’t able to go back to sleep. I laid there thinking about every single thing I’d done over the last 2 weeks and ever little twinge I’ve had.

I managed to fall back asleep after my alarm went off and just went in a little late to work. Get to work and what is the very first thing I do, spill my entire coffee over my desk…and myself. At least my first thought was ‘Save the Laptop!’ but I’m all sticky now and everything else that was on my desk was ruined. Thankfully I had cleaned and organized Friday afternoon, usually my desk is a disaster area. Of course, I was so tired that I splurged for a half-caff this morning and it just got wasted! I’ve got a bunch of meetings that I forgot about and I forgot that Mr H’s friend is crashing with us the next 2 nights. Uggg….

Today is 12dpiui. I managed to stay strong and not test the last 2 mornings. For me, getting AF is somehow easier that seeing those white screens staring back at me. At the same time, after today, I’d really love to pop open a bottle of wine tonight and NOT share it with anyone else. But I won’t, because you never know. (Or I’ll cave and test…and then pop open my bottle). I know I’ll have to test Thursday morning before my beta. I need to know so I can brace myself for the phone call. This is the worst part of the 2ww, I can always make it through the beginning no problem. And this one is even worse since I can’t help but think that it is the first time we’ve had a fighting chance.

To end on a positive, I had a fantastic time at the DC Metro bloggers Cookie Exchange yesterday. Thanks so much for hosting Leah. It was wonderful to see everyone!

December 3, 2007. 2ww, arg, IUI #1. 17 comments.

why?

Why did I decide to POAS yesterday afternoon? Yes, I told myself that it was to make sure the trigger was completely out of my system like the Jen’s (he he, just like the Bob’s…great movie) suggested. But really it is because I enjoy torture. I should consider becoming a spy when all this is said and done because no one will ever be able to get anything out of me. I torture myself all the time…for fun even!! Anywho, naturally Friday’s pee stick was white as a ghost. But you see, I rationalized it because I tested in the afternoon and drank a ton of water that day. So this morning, what did a half asleep Meghan have to do??? You guessed it! Pee on yet another stick. And ya know what….the trigger is still out of my system! Now this is where I get good at the self-torture. I’m now telling myself that because I got up to pee in the middle of the night (around 2) that the test I took at 7:30 must not be valid….so tomorrow morning I’ll be at it again! Today is 10dpiui. Yes, I know its still early but still within the realm of possibilities.

Enough of that depressing crap. Let me tell you about my otherwise fantastic Friday night. My MIL always just writes us a check for the holidays and ever year we do something practical with it. And this year we were planning on doing the same. She’s overly generous with her gifts so it would almost cover all of my meds for this next IUI (if necessary). Instead, the fantastic Mr H tells me that his mom wanted to make sure we did something fun so instead she got us tickets to go see Av.enue Q. I’m pretty gullible and easily get excited for a night out. We go out to a fantastic to a place with a great pre-theater menu (I was so pleasantly surprised by this restaurant) and then walk over to the show. The whole time Mr H is telling me that his mom did a bad job with the seats, they suck, on and on. We get there, he walks right past all the ushers and brings me to front row center…right behind the conductor. I was so surprised! He did it all (and I should have know that his mom is not computer savvy enough to buy tickets for anything online). He actually got lucky and when he was buying the tickets last week he told the guy he was trying to plan a nice date for his wife b/c she’d been down lately and the guy at the box office upgraded him! See, it can pay to be miserable and depressed 😉 It was a fantastic show. One where you definitely want to be up close to see all of their facial expressions. I need to download one of the first songs, It Sucks to be Me. I see it becoming a key staple in my pity party rotation.

Today started out fun. Met my almost sister in law in Clarendon for a meeting with the florist. I just love her (my almost sister, not the florist, who was nice) and can not wait for her to officially be my sister. I am so lucky my brother picked someone I actually like. After that I had to rush home to change. I had meetings with 2 families today. Sucked to work 5 hours on a Saturday but that money should totally cover Christmas shopping this year.

And tomorrow is the cookie exchange with the DC Stirrup Queens. And that means I must get myself in the kitchen!!

December 1, 2007. 2ww, fun stuff, IUI #1, pee sticks, work stuff. 16 comments.

Get out the map

Every 2ww I analyze (hmmmm….over-analyze) my boobs looking for those tell-tale blue veins. I stand in my bathroom looking at myself in all sorts of light and usually manage to convince myself that I see one. Then I rest happily knowing that for sure, I’m pregnant. (yes, I realize that this is probably more information than anyone ever wanted to know about me). Then this morning, I am about to get in the shower and I actually jumped back in surprise. Holy crap, my boobs have an actual roadmap of nasty blue veins across them….I look disgusting! I’ve never seen anything like it. Yet another sign to make me think I might have a shred of a chance.

8dpiui and other than RandMcN.ally scattered across my chest, nothing else is going on. I’m going to try to wait until Sunday to test. That’ll be 11 days. I want to make sure that darn trigger is out. Plus, I usually only have a 12-13 day LP so Sunday wouldn’t really be that early. But, like I said, I’m going to try to wait. I make no promises.

Mel has a great post on why Christmas just sucks sometimes. I hate that I don’t enjoy the holidays as much as I used to. And I know my family resents that I spend more time with the in laws since they don’t celebrate Christmas. Even being around my niece for Hanukkah is easier than my cousin’s kids at Christmas, not sure why. I’ve stopped sending out cards…because I don’t want to get them back in return. Last year I got 2 cards where people announced their pregnancy. Talk about being blindsided. Since I can’t hibernate, I’ve just stopped getting the mail. Mr H still does every few days but the catalogs go straight into the recycling bin, they never even make it into the house. Not sure what I’ll do with the cards and newsletters when they inevitably start pouring in, I guess save them for a good day…I do have them occasionally.

November 29, 2007. 2ww, holidays, IUI #1. 17 comments.

Need everyone’s help

First, before I get to what I need help on let me state the obvious. Pr.ometrium is the devil, no doubt about it. I am slowly turning into a crazy person. I hate what this does to me. Today I’ve been this little insecure thing, ready to either lash out or burst into tears at a moments notice.

Thanks for all of the insurance tips. I never thought that switching would make a difference. In fact, I was scared to switch in case suddenly all of this became a pre-existing condition. I will have Mr H talk to his HR people about it all. It’s open season at his work and we looked at a lot of other plans but ours actually had the best coverage so we’ll stick with it for now.

Ok, here’s where I’m hoping someone out there in blogland knows someone or has a cousin of step sister’s in law’s dogwalker (you know, the one that always ends up pregnant while on the pill) in the jewelry bizz. When we got engaged, I bought Mr H a really nice Br.ietling watch as his engagement watch. I figured I shouldn’t be the only one with something nice to wear. About 2 months later, his dad passed away and left him his old Tag watch. Both are really nice watches and both look almost exactly the same. Last year I went to the jeweler’s to see if I could get a leather band for the Tag, so they’d be different and he might wear it more. They told me they couldn’t do it. Now I’m about to start a much more aggressive campaign for info but if anyone out there knows a jeweler, a watchmaker (does such a profession still exist??) please let me know. I am determined to get him this!

6dpiui now and realized that I haven’t started spotting yet. I’m a little scared that I’m starting to get my hopes up. I pretty much always start spotting between 4-7 dpo. I really want to keep on being all pissy and negative (it’s such a flattering light to portray myself in, right?) Just going to keep on sitting tight…..I freaking hate waiting!

November 27, 2007. 2ww, help, IUI #1. 9 comments.

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