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June 19, 2008. arg, family. Enter your password to view comments..

thanks ladies

Thanks for all the thoughts and advice. For now I’m going to go with some denial and put off any decision making until sometime next year. I really appreciated everyone’s thoughts on future treatments and I’ll probably talk to my RE before we would start up again to see if what knowing would change. So there….I’m wiping my hands of it for now (or at least trying to).

Can we talk for just one minute about the crazy weather and traffic around DC yesterday. It took me an hour and a half to get home from work last night. As I’m pulling in, Mr H calls to tell me that there is a power outage on the metro and everyone has to get off about 4 stops away from us. So I run in to the house, use the bathroom, feed the cat, grab a granola bar for myself, and get back into the car. It should take me 20 minutes to get to this metro station. One hour and 10 minutes later I pick Mr H up. Some of you might remember that I found out last month that my uterus does not like sitting in the car. As soon as I had that car in park, I jumped out, ran to the passenger side and lied down…felt so much better. Then, instead of trying to go straight home, we decided to go to a little cafe less than 1/2 mile from the metro. In retrospect, we should have just parked the car and walked but instead it took us 30 minutes to get there. Then 45 home. So all in all, four hours in the car. I could have been somewhere fun in that time, but no, I spent it on the beltway and 66.

Thankfully, schools were closed today. I soooo needed it. I thought it would give me the time to catch up on all the end of year paperwork but I had no power or cable (therefore, no internet) until 4 today. So I was forced to relax. And I walked over to the grocery store for lunch since there was no way I was getting back in that car today!

hmmm….reads like a very whiny post, sorry. I really came on just to thank you all for your help and good thoughts. This community never ceases to amaze me!

June 5, 2008. arg, thankful. 24 comments.

really?

**disclaimer** I wouldn’t read this if you’re not in a good place

Are you kidding me? They have to stop, it’s getting ridiculous. They alone are going to responsible for SOOO much over-population. I couldn’t even read the whole stupid thing about God’s gifts and all that nonsense. And if I was 20, I’d be a little weirded out that my mom kept getting knocked up.

And one more thing…who the fuck announces they are pregnant to the entire world wide web???

May 9, 2008. arg. 16 comments.

What is wrong with the world?

Seriously….this….again….

I want it not to be true but it’s being report everywhere. What is the world coming to? Very nice that she met the baby daddy at church…how fucking wholesome…

December 19, 2007. arg. 13 comments.

one day to go

I need someone to help me figure out why, with the roads barely wet and a few little flurries falling, my 35 minute commute needs to take over 2 hours. Why?? It was ridiculous this morning. People are just idiots sometimes. A women decided to stop 2 lanes of traffic in order to get her side mirror that was crumpled on the highway. They aren’t putting it back on lady! And yet you felt the need to block off these 2 lanes for 5 minutes while you picked up the pieces of you car….get out of the freakin road, you’ve got bigger problems than the mirror, your car is completely smooshed. Between the traffic and the meds, I was really ready to run her over. Instead, I sat there fuming thinking ‘I SO need to move back north’. But at least it was a 2 hour distraction.

To add to the minus column, really bad cramps last night, AF style. But for the plus side, this is my longest LP ever. So we’re still pretty even. Had a google emergency last night. About 2 hours after inserting my Pr.ometrium, I went to the bathroom, and the capsule fell out. I really wanted to take another but everything I found said that if its in for 20 minutes, you got all the meds. Hoping Dr Google is right. Of course that couldn’t have happened with my morning dose so I could call the nurse.

Thanks again for the support and good wishes. I’ll be testing tomorrow morning before my beta. Not sure when I’ll be able to update that day

December 5, 2007. 2ww, arg, IUI #1. 13 comments.

Still nothing

I stayed strong this morning and didn’t test. Mainly because we have people staying with us and I couldn’t have handled the negative since at this point (13 dpiui) it would be pretty damn accurate. And for that reason, I won’t be testing tomorrow morning either. I really don’t want to be in tears dropping these people off at the metro. I will though, before the beta, just to have my moment by myself (since the house guests will be gone).

Oh, and another note to self: When 13 dpiui, do not wear your red (really blood red) underwear. I swear I cursed every single time I went to the bathroom today (which was a lot). The pr.ometrium drips do not help that situation either (sorry, that was probably a bit tmi)

Still no AF-type cramps, so that’s a plus. Still waking up all sweaty, a minus. Still crazy huge, painful boobs, a plus. Face so broken up I need to dip it in a vat of concealer, a minus. Still no spotting, another plus. Yes, I literally have a plus/minus table going here. Problem is, all of the plus signs can all be explained by the Pr.ometium.

At this point, as much as I want a positive, I just want to know and move on if I have to. I’m tired of this freaking wait.

Thanks for all the good thoughts though, I appreciate it. And I love all my new commentors (not sure if that’s a word). I promise to update my blog soon, but you’re all in my bloglines and I love reading your stories!

December 5, 2007. 2ww, arg, IUI #1. 12 comments.

What a Monday

I definitely have a case of the Monday’s. (I think that is the 2nd time I’ve quoted this movie in the same week…please tell me you all know it)

I woke up at 5 this morning with crazy night sweats (not sure if that’s considered morning sweats). And I usually get those the day before AF shows up so of course I wasn’t able to go back to sleep. I laid there thinking about every single thing I’d done over the last 2 weeks and ever little twinge I’ve had.

I managed to fall back asleep after my alarm went off and just went in a little late to work. Get to work and what is the very first thing I do, spill my entire coffee over my desk…and myself. At least my first thought was ‘Save the Laptop!’ but I’m all sticky now and everything else that was on my desk was ruined. Thankfully I had cleaned and organized Friday afternoon, usually my desk is a disaster area. Of course, I was so tired that I splurged for a half-caff this morning and it just got wasted! I’ve got a bunch of meetings that I forgot about and I forgot that Mr H’s friend is crashing with us the next 2 nights. Uggg….

Today is 12dpiui. I managed to stay strong and not test the last 2 mornings. For me, getting AF is somehow easier that seeing those white screens staring back at me. At the same time, after today, I’d really love to pop open a bottle of wine tonight and NOT share it with anyone else. But I won’t, because you never know. (Or I’ll cave and test…and then pop open my bottle). I know I’ll have to test Thursday morning before my beta. I need to know so I can brace myself for the phone call. This is the worst part of the 2ww, I can always make it through the beginning no problem. And this one is even worse since I can’t help but think that it is the first time we’ve had a fighting chance.

To end on a positive, I had a fantastic time at the DC Metro bloggers Cookie Exchange yesterday. Thanks so much for hosting Leah. It was wonderful to see everyone!

December 3, 2007. 2ww, arg, IUI #1. 17 comments.

Going out of my mind

I might seriously lose it.

Beta was under 5, which I completely expected and, at this point, am OK with. I did the crying, raging, mad at the world thing yesterday and I am ready to move on.

I called back my nurse to see when I should expect AF and if anything would change with our IUI plans. She said I can expect it in 3-4 WEEKS. Yes, I said weeks. First off, I never have a 3-4 week cycle. If she even looked at my file, she’d see that I’m pretty consistently 33-35 days. I had mentioned that I had some spotting last week and she is saying that counted as AF. I tried to explain that all I had was some really light brown spotting and that in no way for me counts as AF. And she still stuck with her 3-4 week line. I know I may not have any medical degrees but wouldn’t any lining that had built up need to come back out? And I asked her that (although I phrased it a little bit nicer). And she again said that my spotting counts.

Then I got tricky (he he he). I asked if that was the case, can the light spotting I had today make this CD1 so I can go in for bloodwork and us on Thursday and get this cycle going. She needs to go ask the dr about that.

I better freaking be able to start this IUI. It has been in the works since August. Yup, August!! Now we decided to skip September for family reasons and I am really starting to regret that. I guess I thought I was ok with and over the whole chemical pregnancy thing but apparently I wasn’t. Because all I want to do is climb under something and have a sob fest. But I can’t because I’m giving a workshop later on where I get to tell parents how to manage their child’s difficult behaviors and I just know someone is going to ask me if I’m a parent. arg

And just to get out the very worst part of all this….I can’t forget how Mr H looked at me those 2 days we thought I was pregnant. It was a look I’ve never seen before, it had so much love in it, and amazement at what we had done. And now that’s gone. And I don’t know if he’ll ever look at me like that again. And it just makes me want to cry.

November 6, 2007. arg, IF, life sucks. 9 comments.

Talk me down

I’m standing up on Evaporation Line Ledge and I’m ready to jump. F that, I’ve already jumped.

I got up at 5 this morning having to pee. Not wanting to waste that FMU I naturally POAS. It’s what I do. As I did it I told myself I was being ridiculous and I needed to get over this bullshit and get my ass back to bed. So that’s what I did.

Fast forward to 7:30 when I woke up for real. What’s staring up at me? A fucking second line! That has NEVER happened ever. Any time I check later in the day I’ve never had an evap line (is it lame that I usually keep checking for the next 2-3 hrs? Oh well). I had just gone to the bathroom so I had nothing left to take another test. And now I’m at work and have a private client later on tonight. I won’t be home to test again until after 8. At that point I may as well wait until tomorrow morning when it’s more likely to be accurate. Now I know in my brain that this is most likely an evap line but I can’t help but wonder. Mr H was no help, he’s always a super realist. And not being the pee stick connoisseur that I am, he thought is was negative because it wasn’t as dark as the control (btw, it was dark enough for me to see without my glasses…and I’m legally freaking blind) Evap lines aren’t that dark, are they?

My nurse doesn’t work on Thursday’s and I don’t want to call and set up an appointment for nothing. Although on the flip side, if it is nothing, that still doesn’t explain why I O’d 2 weeks ago and have nothing but some brown spotting to show for it.

So please, I know I’ve already gone over the ledge and will be devastated tomorrow morning if I get a negative, but please, any stories of hope? Of this not being an evap line? I took a picture this morning but I was a little embarrassed that I used my wine glass (rinsed of course) from last night since I didn’t have any more paper cups. I didn’t realize it and by then didn’t have time to take another pic. And I thought if this does all work, having the wine glass in the picture could make me a bad mom to be. AHhhhh…..why did I say that??? See I’ve gone over that ledge. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through today.

If you read all this and still have any shed of respect left for me….thanks

November 1, 2007. arg, IF. 7 comments.

Another milestone

Happy Monday!
Today marks CD 58. Unless AF shows up in the next few hours this is officially my longest cycle ever. I think that deserves some recognition so I’ll be having a pity party for myself tonight complete with comfort food (either mac and cheese or chinese, still deciding), copious amounts of red wine, and my DVR. I can not wait!

Hopefully the end is in sight. I’m still spotting and have those double over in pain cramps. My pre-authorization for this IUI ends on the 31st though. And in August when it got approved that seemed like light years away. I just remembered this morning so hopefully our financial person can get it re-upped before CD 3 rolls around (see me all being hopeful and optimistic).

October 29, 2007. arg, IUI. 11 comments.

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