full circle

Saturday night I came full circle, I was right back being the infertile girl crying in the bathroom of a restaurant, except I was the pregnant infertile…if that makes any sense.

The night started out innocently enough, we were at an engagement party right on the water in G.eorgetown. I’m happily drinking my seltzer and cranberry juice talking to some people I hadn’t seen in forever when another couple shows up. She sees my belly, does the whole ‘how far along are you’ thing and says she’s pregnant too, but she barely has a heartbeat yet and can’t wait for her dr’s appointment in 2 weeks. The girl is 6 weeks 3 days pregnant. Now let’s start with the fact that this is someone I already am not a huge fan of. She then goes on and on to talk about her pregnancy (all 2 weeks she’s known about it), but then mentions that she had been trying for a year and a half and it gets not too fun. For a second I think I’ve found a fellow stirrup queen and I agree with her. She then goes on to talk about all the stress people put on themselves when they don’t get pregnant right away and how that just makes it worse. That all of this infertility business is just women wanting immediate gratification (ha….you can tell she never waited for test results, nothing immediate about all that) and everyone just needs to relax. Now I know I should have used this as an opportunity to do a little bit of education, but I just couldn’t. Instead I (rather bitchily) mumbled under my breath, “your baby could be dead already and you don’t even know it” (**ok, not proud of that comment at all, I don’t think anyone heard me. I really don’t wish a miscarriage on anyone) and excused myself. Seconds later I found myself in the bathroom just sobbing, just like I used to when I’d show up at a party and discover someone was pregnant. I guess she brought up all those old emotions, I’ve had people say those same things to me before and they always generate the same reaction: anger and tears. I guess now is no different. Part of me just wishes I could have been that naive.

Other than that little episode, I had a great weekend. No pics taken, I was running really late getting ready but with my bro’s wedding this weekend, I’m sure there will be plenty!

Sunday I bit the bullet and started a registry. Talk about overwhelming. Halfway through the store I didn’t think I was going to make it so we stopped and just did what we had to do…the crib. They say allow 8-12 weeks for delivery but I’ve heard it taking as long as 16, and we’ve only got 17 to go (again, hoping I’m not tempting fate with all this). But we actually made our decision fairly easily. If I can find some pics on line I’ll post them. I just want to check around online for the best price and should have it ordered by Wednesday. Sucks that we need to go back, since the store was a complete zoo, but there was no way I could have finished. We were both so overwhelmed by everything. And I thought I was well prepared having read the books, flagged the pages of things I was interested in, etc.

Now back to work, luckily a short week since I’ll be leaving early on Thursday and am taking Friday off for the wedding. I’m going to be such an emotional basketcase. I’m just so glad my brother picked someone I like, she’s already my sister, just now we’re making it official (ha, makes it sound like I’m marrying her 😉

If you’ve got a sec, go send some love to Leah. She’s probably having little Spidey as we speak!

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May 19, 2008. everyday stuff, IF, pregnant. 33 comments.

Catching up

I’ve been following the “if you don’t have anything nice to say…” rule lately. This round of C.lomid has turned me into a raging bitch. I have never had this short a fuse in my entire life. But, it’s been a busy couple of days.

We ended up bailing on the concert on Thursday. My lack of sleep for the last 4 nights plus Mr H thinking he was getting that stomach bug kept us in. It ended up being a really good night though, we spent some quality time just hanging out.

Friday we grabbed dinner and it was “Bring your adorable 18 month old to Ber.tucci’s night”. Out fault for trying to grab an early dinner (still not sleeping at all here). Then, later that night, I was upset when doing my F.ollistim and shot a bunch out before injecting it. I was pissed about that. Then, we had a really long, kind crappy conversation all brought about by the fact that we are not in the same place regarding IVF and adoption. We’ve still got time before we need to make those decisions. I’m in info gathering mode right now. In the end, it was good that we started the discussion and Mr H does need to know that I’m not 100% sold on IVF.

Saturday I worked in the morning then we drove up to NY for my friend’s 30th birthday party. Her husband took 20 of us to N.obu. Fan-freakintastic is pretty much all I can say. What sucked was that I was on day 4 of C.lomid and hadn’t slept in those 4 days. I can NOT do this drug again. Between the headaches and the night sweats, I don’t sleep at all. But it was a great, fun dinner and I’m glad we made the drive up. Being on the train back to Long Island at 1 am with a bunch of drunk 15 year old boys wasn’t fun (who gives alcohol to these kids….I still get carded) but the highlight was when I got picked up by one of those young lads! Mr H went to get the car since it was sleeting and I had pointy, fun shoes on. There was just me and this one kid standing there waiting for rides. After pacing around, and without looking at me, he asks, “So, where you going…cuz my mom can totally give you a ride if you want…or something”. Not sure if that’s good for the ego or not. I totally burst his bubble when I said my husband was getting the car.

Today we went and saw my nieces for a bit since we were in NY and then came back home. I’m trying to fight off a cold but am completely failing since I can’t sleep. (can you tell I’m really freaking tired). Tonight was my last C.lomid and I am SO glad. I’ve got my ultrasound on Tuesday and I’m guessing they’ll be another shot of F.ollistim that night.

Still catching up with weekend posts. Oh…and my bloglines is completely messed up, so sorry if I missed you. Over the school break I’m going to make the switch to reader and update my blogroll here…I promise!!

December 17, 2007. everyday stuff, iui #2, side effects. 12 comments.

Catching up

Wow, with everyone doing this posting every day thing, I’ve got a lot of reading to do. I can’t keep up with all of you!

I’m on day 3 of C.lomid. After the first day I stupidly wished for some side effects so I would know it was working. Boy did I get my wish. That night I woke up every 45 minutes or so with crazy horrible hot flashes. I never knew hot flashes were like that and I feel a little bad that I wasn’t nicer to my mom when she was going through them. So I was tossing and turning constantly all night long. That was our night in the B&B. Not the romantic night we had been planning.

It was still a great weekend. We went hiking Saturday. It was a little cold and foggy but that just meant that the trail wasn’t crowded. Had a fantastic dinner Saturday night. Barely slept that night so we decided to skip the wineries and drive straight home so we could nap before the concert.

B.ruce was AWESOME!!! It was a great show. My brother and his fiance are actually going back tonight, but they’re hard core fans.

And now it’s back to work. Sucks having to work on days Mr H has off. He was supposed to be playing house husband today but just called to tell me that the blew a circuit and we have no power on the first floor….my handy husband! Of course that’s also because he was going to make me dinner tonight.

Will try to catch up on everyone’s blogs tonight!

November 12, 2007. everyday stuff, fun stuff. 3 comments.

I am the decider!

I am usually the worst at making any decision. It can seriously take me 20 minutes to get dressed in the morning if I don’t have everything planned out already. And Mr H is just as bad. Put us together and it’s trouble.

We had our hot date at Home Depot last night (married life is exciting, huh) to pick out everything for the kitchen and I was dreading it. We had to get a faucet, pick out tile, grout, cabinet hardware, and paint. The only easy thing was going to be the garbage disposal, since we were going for the cheapest one. I figured we would be there for hours on end. Instead we were spot on with our decisions. We have never worked this fast or this well on anything. Tile took 15 minutes and paint only about 20. And, to top it all off, we both really like everything we picked out.

In a weird way, I credit the IF for this. We are so much better at communicating and prioritizing now than we were a few months ago. And we both recognize that these are not the most important decisions we’re going to be making any time soon. Putting it all into perspective really helped. Mr H was stressing about the paint and then we both realized that if we don’t like it, it’s paint….we’ll just re-do it. Paint was not something that should be causing any extra stress in our lives right now.

So hopefully we weren’t too relaxed in our decision making. The demo of the old kitchen starts Monday so lots to do this weekend. And we’re still hoping that he’ll finish up early and have time to do the breakfast bar, there’s no guarantee…but I will offer him to pick him up dinner if he’s staying 😉

And thanks for the kind words for my cousin. Everything we’ve gone through with IF has really helped me deal with that. After her email I gave her a call and just said I’m so sorry, this must be so hard for you, please know that I’m here if you need anything. She called me back the next day and said I was the only person that didn’t offer her stupid advice (we can all relate to that), a stupid comment about how much better being single will be (hmm…similar to those enjoy sleeping through the night comments) or their own sob story. Pretty sad that most people just don’t know how to react to bad news.

Guess if you look hard enough you can find a silver lining in just about anything.

October 11, 2007. everyday stuff, IF. 7 comments.

small favors

to try to change yesterday’s mood,

3 things I’m thankful for:

1) having a great boss that lets me work from home sometimes. I woke up feeling like I’m coming down with a cold (the perils of working in a school) and I really want to try to stay nice and healthy for this IUI. So I’ve worked from home today, got more done than I ever would have at work, and managed to take a nice little nap with my kitty snuggling me. It is amazing what a mental health day can do. I feel like a new woman! (well, a new woman with PMS and a snotty nose but a new woman nonetheless)

2) my HSG in August seems to have cured my spotting problem!!! I used to start spotting at 3-5 DPO and would straight up until my period came. I hated it, it was horrible to know 3 days into my 2ww that the cycle was a bust and then have to wait it out anyway. Now last month I had one little day of spotting at 7 dpo (isn’t that a tease) and this month…nothing! I’m either 11 or 12 dpo and haven’t had to wear a pantiliner yet! Now of course, that evil little bitch Hope did sneak in this morning and I’ll admit to breaking open my HPT stash to POAS this morning to no avail but I’m Ok with it. Just glad one problem got solved. Guess I just needed a good power washing 😉

3) We met with our kitchen guy this morning to finalize everything and write him a nasty big check and as he was leaving he offered to do one of the things we had decided was too expensive and cut from the contract. He said if the rest of the project goes according to schedule and he has the time, he’ll knock down 1/2 the wall between our kitchen and dining room to make a breakfast bar. He says he just likes doing that stuff and he thinks it’ll look really nice. So here’s hoping that everything else goes nice and speedy!

Off to see what else can get done today!!

October 4, 2007. everyday stuff, HSG. 5 comments.

Weekend ramblings

It’s been a busy weekend!! Started out with a wedding for a co-worker Friday night. Not to be too judgemental but if an invite says Black Tie Optional….it means no jeans. I’d say it means a suit at a minimum but that’s just me. I had a good time only thing that it was just outside G.ettysburg PA….and I had to drive back to Fairfax. And I went as the date of another co-worker. It was the first wedding I can remember that I didn’t go to with Mr H.

Saturday I slept most of the afternoon, caught up on some TiVo. We met some friends for dinner and then went to see K.ingdom. WOW! It was intense. Much better than I thought it was going to be…gets you thinking.

Today we spent some quality time in Lowes getting ready to redo our kitchen and then headed off to the outlets. About $300 dollars and I have clothes that fit!! Is it bad that I’m secretly hoping it was all spent in vain and we’ll bet pregnant on this IUI??

On that front I’m starting to have some PMS symptoms, mainly sore boobs. Since I didn’t temp or use my CBEFM I’m not sure exactly when I O’d. Hopefully my period will start (HA! Haven’t hoped for that in a few years!!) by next weekend and we can start!!!

October 1, 2007. everyday stuff, ramblings. 3 comments.

Where did the weekend go?

Anyone else think we should switch to a 4 day work week??

This weekend was a blur. I had an all day bachlorette party Saturday. We started with margaritas at a friend’s pool around 1 and ended up at the waterfront for dinner, etc. It was my first time at C.antina Marina. I loved the place (it was so not DC) but was so surprised that it isn’t a Mexican restaurant. The ‘i’ in both words is a freakin’ margarita glass people!! Wouldn’t you think Mexican?? So I was a little disappointed in the food just because I really wanted Mexican. The day itself was fun but I was exhausted! And then Sunday just got wasted away sleeping in and running errands. This morning came WAAAYYY too fast.

I’ve started an email to my RE with a list of questions for this cycle, some specific, some more general. I always forget to ask everything I want to at the appt. I’ll probably sit on it a few days to see if anything else comes to mind before sending it. I hope this turns out to be a good way to communicate with him.

August 13, 2007. everyday stuff. 3 comments.

Ta da…

Here’s a pic of the new hair!

Now my eyes are a little closed and I didn’t realize you could see my broken closet door in the background but you get the idea. Before the chop, it just reached the top of my boobs.

We’re off to Vidilia for restaurant week. I thought we were going last night and was soooo disappointed when I realized I had the date wrong.

The follow up RE appt went about how I expected. We got (here’s another ta da moment) the official “unexplained” diagnosis. But he made sure to mention at least twice that we’re definitely infertile (in case I was wondering). Our first step is going to be IUI with 50 mg C.lomid and injectibles. I wanted to jump right to injectibles but he we should see if the C.lomid will work and they’ll be less likelihood of me getting cysts since I’m prone to them.

And we (Mr. H and I) decided to start in October so that just in case this first cycle is a success I won’t be due the same day my brother is getting married. It was a very hard decision to skip a month, especially knowing that there are no guarantees and that anything can happen with a pregnancy. But it feels right for both of us. I’m hoping that I can lose some of the weight I’ve gained in the last 6 months and that this little break will help my mental health too.

Hope everyone has a good weekend! I have to go to an all day bachlorette party tomorrow. I was really hoping to be pregnant for this so I could bail out towards the end of the night. Wish me luck!!

August 10, 2007. everyday stuff, plans. 7 comments.

New hair cut!

Yikes, I asked her to it to chin length, instead I got jaw, just a bit over my ears! I guess that is what I get for going to the teaching schools, you just can’t beat a $12 hair cut though. It’ll grow back, right?!?

Nothing new to report, anxiously waiting for my follow up on Friday. I’m sooo not a patient person. I’ve always known that but the constant waiting of IF just wears me down.

August 8, 2007. everyday stuff, waiting. 3 comments.