can’t think of a good title…

Yikes, nothing like breastfeeding questions to bring out the commentors!!

Let me clear my poor LC’s good name, she is not the one obsessed with time, etc, I am. In fact, she keeps telling me now that my milk supply is good, to just trust my body and trust the baby. Well, you all know that I have a VERY hard time trusting my body and I’m also a little nervous about trusting someone that poops her pants about 6 times a day. That doesn’t inspire trust. And I’m obsessive by my very nature. I obsess over minutia for a living…seriously, I break complex behaviors down into their itty bitty components and collect data on those itty bitty things. And then I analyze and graph and do all sorts of fun stuff with it. So me collecting data right now on her time on breast, if she cues, and her pee and poop is nothing. There is so much more I’d like to measure (like duration of sucking but I don’t have a free hand to work the timer, and I am SO not kidding)

But I am starting to relax about it all. When she’s hungry the girl most certainly eats, and when she isn’t, she doesn’t. The fact that she is starting to visibly gain weight and has grown out of her first set of PJ’s does make me feel a little bit better. So I’m working on the whole trust thing. But right now, there is no way I could stop with my data, no matter how many people tell me I’m being crazy, it makes me feel like I have some semblance of control and am doing something proactive to make sure she’s eating and staying healthy.

In other news, my dad is coming to stay with us for the weekend. Cue family drama. You may remember he left my mom in June and moved 8 hours away…and no one really knows why he made the move. He’s since lost his job so he’s now completely alone with nothing to do. For a man with a history of depression as well as a history of self-medicating that depression, that is not a good thing. He says he’s finally going to do something that makes him happy, instead of some corporate job. Only problem is, hiking and drinking wine seems to make him happiest. And he could open a hiking and wine store but that would be a pretty niche market…not sure how well it would do. So, he’s flying down for the weekend to see the baby, my mom got all upset that she won’t be able to see her this weekend (for the record, my mom lives under 10 minutes away and has come over on her lunch break to see Sweetness), my brother is pissed because my dad picked the only weekend all fall that he has to work…and Mr H and I don’t really know what to do with him. The whole thing is going to be so incredibly awkward. Luckily, we have a bunch of things around the house that Mr H needs help with. So that will at least give him something to do. And…in a few weeks, he wants to come down and stay for the entire week to help me out. So this is really just a dress rehearsal. uggg…

Now I have to go vacuum for him, you see, the man is also very allergic to cats and never wants to take any allergy medicine when he comes over. uggg again…

hmmm…as I re-read this, writing about my neuroses and then my dad’s makes my whole family seem kind of f-ed up…guess the apple doesn’t fall to far from the tree…hopefully Sweetness will be spared


September 26, 2008. family, sweetness. 8 comments.

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June 19, 2008. arg, family. Enter your password to view comments..

Bowing out (and some questions for ya)

First, thanks for the birthday wishes. I am another one of those ‘birthday month’ people so no one ever has to apologize for being a day late 😉

And now I have to respectfully bow out of NaComLeavMo. It’s crazy time at work, gearing up to hire and train new staff and I barely have time to read, let alone comment. My reader is getting a little bit overwhelming. I have loved checking out some new blogs and getting to know new bloggers and I’ll try to keep up but there is just no way I can do it every day.

Here’s where I get selfish though–since I’ve gotten so many new readers the last week or so I figured it’s a good time to ask my latest round of questions. You ladies are all brilliant and I know a bunch of you work in the medical field so I welcome all advice and ass-vice on this one.

Sometime last year some of my aunts and one of my cousins decided to get tested/screened (not sure exactly how it works) for the breast cancer genes since we have such a significant family history. I didn’t do it at the time because I was getting poked and prodded enough with all of the preliminary testing for the RE and quite honestly, just couldn’t handle the thought of it. Well I found out recently that they tested positive. Now I know it doesn’t mean that I will get cancer, just that it increases the likelihood that I will. My biggest hang up right now is that you all know what else increases your odds of getting breast cancer right…injectible FSH. So while I was lucky enough to get pregnant, in the process did I ensure that this little girl will grow up motherless? Did I pass the gene on to her? I was talking about all this with family last weekend and they all told me to go get tested. But I don’t know how I feel about it. I can’t be anymore proactive than I already am. I got my baseline mammogram at 29, do self exams religiously, and insist that my gyno do exams yearly instead of every 3. So what would it change? But it also raises the question of starting IF treatments again in a few years. At that point I’ll be older so we’d probably be moving straight to IVF, which increases the amounts of hormones I’d be putting into my system. For now, I’m not thinking too much about that last question.

So that’s where my head has been at lately, it’s a little bit of a messy place. And I have one more selfish, shameless thing to do. Every year I run in the K.omen R.ace for the Cure with my family for my aunt. She was first diagnosed 19 years ago and is the strongest lady I know. In fact, she was my rock during all of this IF crap. This year I signed up to show my support but didn’t really plan on doing it or doing too much fundraising, I’m a little pre-occupied and I know I couldn’t do run a 5K right now. But I decided to walk it (in the spirit of full disclosure, probably the 1 mile instead of the 3) and I want to at least make an effort to raise some money. I know we’ve all got different causes that are close to our heart and many of you are trying to figure out how to pay for treatments and testing. But if you’ve got a few spare singles floating around (literally), please consider heading over to my race webpage. (just a warning–in order to get the rest of my fam motivated to donate, I do talk about how I’ll be “walking for two”).

So to wrap up, sorry for bailing on the comment-athon, thanks for any advice about the breast cancer gene crap, and double thanks if any of you click over to the race.

June 4, 2008. family, questions. 16 comments.

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May 15, 2008. family, p-word. Enter your password to view comments..

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January 21, 2008. family, p-word, rants. Enter your password to view comments..

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December 21, 2007. family, feelings, iui #2, ramblings. Enter your password to view comments..

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December 20, 2007. family, iui #2. Enter your password to view comments..


I didn’t bring home a good one. My cousin and his 2 kids were just getting over a stomach bug last week and they seem to have shared it with me. I am now counting the minutes until Mr H makes it back from his Imm.odium run (he he he, didn’t notice that little joke until right now). I have this ridiculous aversion to throwing up and generally make myself sicker because I just refuse to do it. This time I don’t know if I’ll win this little battle with my stomach. And I’m such a baby…I hate stomach bugs.

Other than my little souvenir, the weekend went way too fast and was exactly what I needed. That side of the family knows about our IF and recent negative and everyone was just wonderful. My cousin’s 8 month old is just adorable and I had so much fun with her. And since we’re now ‘out’ about our infertility, it was the first time I’ve played with a baby and people didn’t tell me what a natural I am, or ask when I’m going to get one of my own. It was very refreshing.

And if anyone has any spare prayers, please add my aunt to your list. Her breast cancer is spreading and the meds she had been using to keep it under control (Fe.mera coincidentally) are no longer working. So chemo is her next step. I’m so glad we were able to make it down there for her birthday.

And it looks like I didn’t need to take my meds for any extra time, AF still hasn’t shown up, although right now I’m glad.

Alright, Mr H is back with my drugs, some red Gato.rade (my fave) and ginger ale. Isn’t he the best??

updated at 9:00–lost my battle with the porcelin god. I am such a baby when it comes to puking

December 10, 2007. family, sick. 10 comments.


First response was negative this morning. Still had to go in for the beta. I checked with my nurse yesterday and since I now have a history of chemicals, they want to make sure my levels are zero.

Surprisingly ok, just ok, but as Mr H put it this morning, OK is pretty damn good right now. I’m sure it’ll hit me a bit more later, like when the next round of meds arrives!

I’m going to see if I can stay on the pro.metrium for just 2 more days. We’re supposed to go down to FL for my Aunt’s 60th birthday this weekend. She’s my god mother and has been fighting breast cancer for the last 5 years. When we bought our tickets down, we made sure they were refundable in case this cycle was a bust, knowing that I’d probably have CD3 b/w and u/s that weekend. Mr H and I talked about it last night and at this point, we’ve waited 2.5 years, what is 2 more days. I’d much rather spend the weekend surrounded by my family. And I don’t want IF to take that away from me too. We’re going to stay with my cousin, she and I are just 16 months apart and have always been super close. Some of her TLC is exactly what I need right now. So I’m thinking of taking my dose tonight and tomorrow morning. That should be enough for AF to stay away until Saturday.

December 6, 2007. family, IUI #1, moving along. 21 comments.

Got to admit it’s getting better

a little better all the time
(can’t get much worse)

Anywho, thanks for all of your support in coming out about our IF. Don’t give me too much credit, it was to a very select group of people. And so far so good. Only one off the wall but well meaning response…but she’s kind of crazy anyway. One very weird story that started out with someone writing “my childhood neighbor’s cousin”. As if that isn’t a red flag right there. Apparently this girl was told by an RE that she would never get pregnant without fertility meds but then got pregnant accidentally while on the pill while on vacation! Yes, you speed readers read that correctly….while on the pill. Now I don’t know about you, but I’m NEVER using any type of birth control ever again. Why….because I’m freakin infertile!!! After that I stopped reading that particular story. I mean maybe they wanted her to have regular periods or something but the while thing seemed a little fishy to me. Obviously she was a little confused. My aunt did ask if she could tell my 14 year old cousin. Seems to me like she’s opening a whole can of worms talking to a 14 year old boy about fertility treatments but hey, not my kid. Still not sure how I feel about that one. I’ll have to think about it.

oh…and here’s why it’s getting better. I came home from work today and Mr H had booked us a weekend at a B&B. There are a bunch of wineries around it and some hiking. He had printed out all of this info on it and made reservations at a yummy looking restaurant. I am so excited for a weekend away. And we have to rush back Sunday for the Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuce concert that night! (that would be Bru.ce Springsteen) It’s going to such a great weekend! Too bad I can’t take tomorrow off but I’ll make it through. Hopefully all these good things will minimize the C.lomid side effects. Are all of you veterans laughing your asses off at that one???

November 9, 2007. family, good thoughts, IF. 6 comments.

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