I’ve got 12 minutes before I have to wake Sweetness up to take her to PT so I figured I’d use my time productively writing a post as opposed to mindlessly playing on F.acebook. Because this is productive!
Mel had a great post about resolving infertility that put into words what I’ve been feeling so much better than I ever could. I just assumed that when I had a child, through whatever means it took to get said child, that I wouldn’t have to deal with IF anymore. Well you know what they say about assuming. I’ve read other bloggers for whom it’s true but for me, personally, it couldn’t be more false. Yes, the childlessness is gone and the gaping hole in my heart has been filled but I’m still stuck feeling broken. The thought of doing this whole thing over again to give Sweetness a sibling weighs down on me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not laying in bed crying over this 24/7. I do try to enjoy every second of her sweet baby-ness, partially because I know better than to take for granted that I might get to experience it again. But the slightest trigger brings it all back. Could be someone asking me what I’ll do different for #2 or of course, someone joking that I’ve been fixed and better be careful because they know [insert random 16 degrees of separation here] who got pregnant without treatments for their second.
All the language around the IF urban legend of getting pregnant after treatments doesn’t help the feelings of brokeness. So many people have used the verb “fix” when giving me their un-solicited assvice. Yet they tell me not to use “broke”. Huh???
So with 1 minute left, that’s where my head is at. I was trying not to blog about it too much. I mean really, who wants to read about someone lucky enough to have a baby complain about IF or feeling broke. But I might be blogging it out more often, just to clear my head. So thanks in advance for putting up with me.
Isn’t it funny how our “Aha” moments pop up out of nowhere sometimes? I had been doing some serious soul-searching lately on my indecision about weaning. As background, I was never a breast is best person. I figured I’d try breastfeeding, give it a month and a good solid effort, but if it was too much I was perfectly happy switching over to formula. In fact, I committed what many consider to be a cardinal sin of breastfeeding…having formula in the house before the baby was born. Now some will remember my freak-outs and visits with the lactation consultants back in September. Not long after that I became sort of zen about it. I was going to give it my month and then decide without regrets or looking back what to do.
Well, Sweetness will be 8 months old next week and I am starting to have some serious ambivalence when I think about weaning. She’s in the process of dropping her night feeding and even that makes me sad. And I’ve been trying to figure it all out. Why am I so invested in something that was never very important to me? I’ve been driving poor Mr H crazy talking about it ad naseum when I had my “aha” moment yesterday. It just came out, as if I had been knowing it all along.
I was talking to a co-worker (and good friend) who just came back from maternity leave and our converstation went something like this:
Co-worker: “I can’t believe you’re still nursing and pumping at 8 months. You always thought that wouldn’t be you”
Me: “Don’t be surprised, it’s purely selfish”
CW: “There’s nothing selfish about it, plus you aren’t one of those martyr people, you never even mention it.”
Me: “It’s completely selfish, this is the longest time my body has worked and I don’t want to go back to being broken.”
Just like that it came out of my mouth. I wasn’t even aware I even thought it. And that’s really it. Right now my body is doing exactly what it is supposed to be doing…making milk. I still haven’t had a post-partum period. I don’t want to go back to messed up cycles and the like. Because then I’m broken again.
I wish realizing had helped me come to terms about what to do in regard to weaning. But at least now that I better understand myself, hopefully I can start making progress in that direction.
I shouldn’t be sad and I shouldn’t be sitting here thinking about what could have been. This week would have been the due date for my little November angel. I only knew I was pregnant for 5 short days but, at the time, they were the 5 best days of my life. I don’t think I ever really gave myself time to grieve the loss. I jumped right into my first IUI days later, pumping myself full of hormones. Hormones always do wonders for mental states, right??
So now I sit here, just feeling sad. I’ve tried to think of a better word for it, something more descriptive, but sad really covers it. And I feel horribly guilty and wrong for that sadness. As I am typing this, I can feel little Q moving inside of me. I am so lucky and blessed. And I know that there are many women out there who pass a missed due date and aren’t as lucky. Right now my heart breaks for them. So while I do feel bad about being sad, I can’t help but think about what could have been.
As I think about it more, I think my general sadness is really more due to this bringing back all of the IF crap. This baby would have been a do-it-yourselfer. Conceived in our own home, own bed, with just the two of us there. As cliched a story as it would be, getting pregnant on the cycle before starting treatments, who really doesn’t wish that happened to them? Instead I got a big, bloody reminder that we couldn’t do this ourselves. Instead I went headfirst right back into day 3 ultrasounds, shots, watching the sunrise waiting for a morning wanding. Random doctors either cracking lame jokes between my legs or filling the room (and my uterus) with their god-like complex. As people around me joke about what we must have been doing last Christmas, me thanking Mr H for the diamond earrings, he got a flat screen so I got a baby, and other lame jokes like that, I think to myself…you have no fucking clue. Christmas I was 2 days past my iui and spent most of the day in tears. I think that is what I’m mourning more than anything else. The fact that the baby we made by ourselves couldn’t make it.
But I know I shouldn’t be sad…
I’ve been reading all of your eloquent end of the year posts and am left somewhat speechless. I really do not know what to say.
As ready as I am for 07 to be over, it being over brings to light all of our failures from last year, the broken promises and expectations, the tears, the arguments. Part of me doesn’t want it to end, because if it doesn’t, then there’s still a chance. Don’t get me wrong, there were some good moments too…most notably suddenly realizing I’m not alone in all this crap. This IF community is the one silver lining in all this crap. I remember calling Mr H on the way home from my first get together with the DC ladies back in August. He asked how it was (because I was SOOOO nervous beforehand) and if it made me sad, did we only talk about IF stuff. I said great, that they were all normal woman and we talked about normal stuff. He replied that of course everyone was ‘normal’, but that is when it first struck me, that I was still a normal person, just a normal person dealing with a ton of crap. And it took meeting this fantastic group of women to make me realize that I wasn’t some sort of freak or something.
So 07 does have some things lined up in the plus column. But what scares me the most is that in 2008 our journey to get pregnant will, for better or worse, be over. That’s not to say we won’t have a family, but this is the year that will determine if we have a biological child or not. And that scares the crap out of me. As I sit here convinced that this IUI did not work, I wonder how much more of this I can do. I really do not think I can be one of those women doing IVF after IVF. I’m so emotionally fragile as it is, I don’t know where I will find the strength for all that.
So while 2007 brought some disappointment with it, 2008 brings unknowns…and that to me is scarier.
I’ll try to end on a positive note here. We are making the yummiest dinner tonight. Filets topped with lobster. So excited for our surf and turf! Not sure what the sides will be, but they aren’t that important to me. Last year we decided to stay in, make ourselves a nice dinner, open one of the good bottles of wine, and just celebrate quietly and it was one of the better new years. This year I’ll be good and only have a small sip of wine but I’m so excited for dinner!
I hope everyone has a wonderful night and 2008 brings us whatever it is we dream of!
Whew, I’ve got a lot to say. I couldn’t get on at all yesterday for some reason so this is going to be a long post….and I’ve got lots of comments to leave!
I had a bit of a meltdown over the weekend. Saturday was fine, we worked on the kitchen all day. Purging our pantry was eye opening. Nothing like throwing out unopened cans and packets that expired in 03 to make you re-think your grocery shopping and waste. Even more eye opening is that we moved here in Nov 04, which means we moved already expired stuff…a little embarrassing.
Sunday. I was SO excited for Sunday. We were going to take the Jeep out and go apple picking with my brother and his fiancee. Then over to my parents for an apple themed dinner. It was a beautiful weekend and I couldn’t wait to get outside. Then Mr H’s brother called to tell us that we’ve got a new niece! Now I’ve known my sister-in-law was pregnant for months now. In fact, I figured it out long before she told people. I thought I was fine with it. I could not have been more wrong. I literally broke as soon as Mr H went out to run an errand. I had one of those crying in the shower moments (which I do all the time). But this time I stayed in there sobbing long past the hot water left the water heater. Nothing says unstable like standing in an ice cold shower crying. Then, since I was cold, I got in my bathrobe, got under the covers, and stayed there for the next 5 hours or so. That is when I realized I needed to get a grip. I’m looking into our insurance to see what our coverage is for a therapist. And a big thanks to the DC ladies for all of the recs.
I pretty much figured the bulk of it out. When I first found out my SIL was pregnant last March, I had just had my initial testing with my gyno and I was confident that I’d be pregnant soon. And I’d be very pregnant by the time the baby was born. The cousins would be close in age and all would be well. As time went on, I decided that at the very least I’d be pregnant by October. And then as more time went on, I decided that at least I’d have started treatment and my IUI by the time the baby was born.
But of course none of this would work out. I put so much pressure on my last natural cycle and that of course I would have an annovulatory cycle. It’s CD 45 and nothing. I thought I managed to O but it seems not. I hate that it was my last chance and I didn’t work. Not that it didn’t work…but that I didn’t work. Feels like I have a cyst and I just know that I’m going to have to sit out October too. I know that we can’t plan any of this but I really had it in my head that I’d be getting inseminated right about now.
So that was my weekend. Monday sucked too. Today is looking better. I called my nurse and emailed my doctor and they’re going to give me Pr.overa to jump-start my period. Just need to go in for a beta tomorrow (HA–almost a dozen pee sticks can’t be wrong). I haven’t taken Pr.overa yet…any word on what to expect??
Thanks for reading if you made it this far. In other news, our kitchen is coming together. Floors and cabinets are in and it looks like they’ll be finished on Thursday which means he’ll do the breakfast bar on Friday!!! I will most definitely be posting some pics for everyone, I’m so excited about it. Oh, and we’ve decided to come out to a select group of people, our inner circle if you will. And I’m setting up a different blog with updates for everyone so I don’t have to deal with talking to people when I don’t want to.
Off to catch up and comment…
I love it when I can pull something good out of my horoscope. For all the Geminis out there:
It’s as if there is a something attaching your emotions to everything you encounter now and your regular lightheartedness isn’t enough to shake it.
I am usually the most upbeat, positive person and I don’t like who I’ve become lately. I’m bitter, I snap quickly, I pick fights with poor Mr H all the time for no reason, I’m moody and it just sucks. There is something attached to everything I do all day long and I can’t get rid of it. It’s the ultimate chip on the shoulder.
I’m not sure what to do about it. I used to think recognizing it is the first step. But I’ve recognized it before but it takes work to really shake it. Kinda like those 30 pounds I’m losing. I recognize I’ve gained it, and last week I was gung-ho about it, but now I’ve stopped putting in the work. I do the same thing with my attitude and mental health. I get on this “I’m going to be happy” kick but then stop putting in the work after a week or so. Maybe because being happy never used to be work….and I still think it shouldn’t be.
All I know is that I don’t want to be this way, feeling like crap and spewing my negative vibes all over the place. It’s too damn exhausting.
Even after all my years as a teacher and even now still working in schools, the first day of school is always exciting for me. All my life I’ve looked at the beginning of the school year as a fresh start; new classes, new friends, new clothes, new chances. This is my New Year, when I make the most resolutions and reflect back. When I was younger I’d resolve to procrastinate less, be nicer, go to cross country practice more…you get the picture. Once I got older I used this as a time to think about the past school year and decide what I should do differently. Of course I did decide to go back to the gym and so far this week I’m 2 for 2!. It’s sort of my own mini State of the Union (without people clapping for me every few minutes…I think I need more of that in my life)
The start of the 06 school year was hard. We’d been kind of trying for a year but I did my whole looking back thing and decided to become more proactive and changed some things up. I became borderline neurotic with everything TTC. We (and by that I mean me) charted, used the CBEFM, and basically did whatever I could to try to drive my husband away.
Now this school year. We’ve gotten our official diagnosis (whatever the hell ‘unexplained’ means), have a plan to start treatment, and I’ve started to accept what my RE keeps driving into my head…that we have less than a 1% chance of ever getting pregnant on our own, but this is the first September in my life where I’ve felt completely unsuccessful, completely unproductive, and pretty darn incompetent (and that is a trait I hate). It’s the first time I have nothing to show for my work, where I set goals for myself and didn’t meet a single on of them.
Now none of this is new to me of course, but I’m so much more aware of it all this time of year. I know I’ll break out of this funk in a few days. Hopefully our weekend away will help, although AF is going to crash…again, it’s going to be a really good thing there’s a wine festival there!
I’m getting more and more nervous for my HSG tomorrow morning. Not so much about the procedure itself, I’m viewing that as a step forward. Mostly just the unknown of it. And the fact that right afterwards we’re getting in the car and driving to NY for my niece’s birthday. We’ll be staying with my mother-in-law.
Which brings me to a whole other set of emotions. Mr H. went up to see them one weekend in June when I had to work. He decided to tell his mother about our IF (apparently he thought I had said I was ok to start telling people…I was not).
So I think the emotion of the weekend is going to be dread. I’m dreading her saying something to me about the IF and I’m equally dreading her saying nothing and it being awkward. Hopefully all the focus will be on my niece and my sister in law, who’s about 6 months pregnant.