thanks

Wow! Thanks for all those comments. I feel so loved!

Of course while picking up all everything for Mr H at the store last night, I had to pick up some more tests. This morning the line came up before the control and is really dark, so for now, there’s something in there. I did get my beta moved up, so I’ll have some actual info by this afternoon. I don’t want to get ahead of myself but if it’s positive (which I can’t imagine it wouldn’t be) my 2nd will be on Monday. That’s when I’ll feel better. I really need to experience a beta that goes up!

And thanks for the good thoughts for Mr H’s surgery. It went well. Turned out we knew the surgeon who was going to be doing it. He’s a friend of a friend and we’ve hung out with him a bunch. It was nice because he took some extra time to talk to us before the surgery and came out and found me in the waiting room afterwards and talked to me for awhile. I think some of the other family members out there got a little jealous. Most of the other doctors only talked to people for 2-3 minutes! And since he knew us, he didn’t actually do the operation, the attending did, who happens to have been the one to radically chance this procedure a few years ago…so that made me feel better too! It was a long day but he’s feeling much better today. Plus, he’s cautiously excited for our good news 😉

I’ll be sure to update later on when the nurse calls! Thanks again for keeping us in your thoughts

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January 4, 2008. iui #2, pee sticks. 12 comments.

Out of the shadows

We’ve moved from shadows to a light line! It took awhile to come up and I swear I got about 5 new grey hairs in those 5 minutes but there it is. I suddenly got scared that it was just the trigger still lingering around, but at this point, 12 dpIUI, that has to be long gone, right?

While Mr H is in surgery I’m going to beg and plead to move up beta. Hopefully I can get that tomorrow morning instead. I can’t imagine they wouldn’t let me. If not I’m out of tests so I will seriously need to stock up to make it through the weekend.

Ok, off to the hospital, keep us in your thoughts!

January 3, 2008. iui #2, pee sticks. 35 comments.

Shadows

11dpiui+6:15 pm+bladder held for just under 2 hours=the lightest of shadows on my last dollar tree test. It is the type of shadow only someone with 30 cycles under her belt can make out (well, it’s a bit darker than that).

There is no way it would show up in a picture and I’m certainly not going to start cleaning out the shoe room just yet, but it’s hard not to feel the slightest hint of excitement. And it should be faint, because it’s still a little early, right? I’ve got a first response left too and that wins the honor of the first pee of the day tomorrow. Not to get too far ahead of myself, but if that is also positive I’ll be begging to move my beta up from Monday to Friday.

Again, I can’t let myself get too worked up and I’m not saying anything to Mr H just yet since I can’t bare to disappoint him again. Or myself, since I now have the pleasure of knowing just how fleeting a pregnancy can be and how much a chemical sucks. If I make it past 4 days of positive sticks and a beta that goes up instead of down, I’ll consider this one better than the last.

Speaking of Mr H, please keep him in your thoughts, he’s having sinus surgery tomorrow morning and is understandably nervous. The worst part to him is that his nose will be packed for 24 hours so he won’t be able to breathe. Think of me too, since he can be a bad patient. Really, really hoping I have some good news for him when he comes out of surgery. I won’t tell him beforehand.

In other news, I am loving Mel’s Creme de la Creme. If you haven’t checked it out yet, it’s a must read. And if you haven’t submitted a post yet, she’s still accepting them. I started looking at it yesterday but decided to save it for the next 2 days while I’m housebound with the recuperating Mr H. It is such an amazing collection and really seems to be an accurate portrayal of the diverse group we are.

January 2, 2008. 2ww, iui #2, pee sticks. 13 comments.

what to say?

I’ve been reading all of your eloquent end of the year posts and am left somewhat speechless. I really do not know what to say.

As ready as I am for 07 to be over, it being over brings to light all of our failures from last year, the broken promises and expectations, the tears, the arguments. Part of me doesn’t want it to end, because if it doesn’t, then there’s still a chance. Don’t get me wrong, there were some good moments too…most notably suddenly realizing I’m not alone in all this crap. This IF community is the one silver lining in all this crap. I remember calling Mr H on the way home from my first get together with the DC ladies back in August. He asked how it was (because I was SOOOO nervous beforehand) and if it made me sad, did we only talk about IF stuff. I said great, that they were all normal woman and we talked about normal stuff. He replied that of course everyone was ‘normal’, but that is when it first struck me, that I was still a normal person, just a normal person dealing with a ton of crap. And it took meeting this fantastic group of women to make me realize that I wasn’t some sort of freak or something.

So 07 does have some things lined up in the plus column. But what scares me the most is that in 2008 our journey to get pregnant will, for better or worse, be over. That’s not to say we won’t have a family, but this is the year that will determine if we have a biological child or not. And that scares the crap out of me. As I sit here convinced that this IUI did not work, I wonder how much more of this I can do. I really do not think I can be one of those women doing IVF after IVF. I’m so emotionally fragile as it is, I don’t know where I will find the strength for all that.

So while 2007 brought some disappointment with it, 2008 brings unknowns…and that to me is scarier.

I’ll try to end on a positive note here. We are making the yummiest dinner tonight. Filets topped with lobster. So excited for our surf and turf! Not sure what the sides will be, but they aren’t that important to me. Last year we decided to stay in, make ourselves a nice dinner, open one of the good bottles of wine, and just celebrate quietly and it was one of the better new years. This year I’ll be good and only have a small sip of wine but I’m so excited for dinner!

I hope everyone has a wonderful night and 2008 brings us whatever it is we dream of!

December 31, 2007. feelings, iui #2, ramblings. 14 comments.

Dirty rotten liar

Yup, that’s me. A no-good, good for nothin‘ liar. A mere 2 days ago I said I was NOT going to read into every ache and twinge. I would NOT set myself up like that. And that every day I was going to recognize that this has a much higher chance of not working.

Yeah…well…I lied. But I said all of those things before some really weird shit started happening. Since I know you are all on the edge of your seats, I’ll share every little detail. It all started with flossing (oral hygiene is important people). As I leaned over my sink and reached up to get the floss, my lower abdomen pressed into the countertop. Totally normal thing, probably happens dozens of times any given day. But yesterday it hurt. And I mean it really hurt. It made me gasp out loud and stop what I was going. When I pressed down, my abdomen was hard. Very bizzare. Then last night, I had weird, intense cramping that woke me out of a sound sleep. Now the last time I had that intense cramping that woke me up at night, it was 2 days before the positive in my chemical pregnancy (not that I really want to use that experience as a reference point, it’s just all I’ve got). I was up for 2 hours with cramps that would not go away.

Now I’m only 6dpiui. Rationally, I know it’s on the early side for implantation but nothing about this whole experience is rational. I lost rational thought about a year ago. So now I know that I am going to drive myself crazy for the next week. And that I’ve let Hope sneak in the side door, when I had done such a good job keeping her out.

On the plus side, I found a way to ignore the boobs. Since they really are the biggest liars. Sports bra. Keeps them in so nice and tight, I don’t feel a thing. So it’s one obsession I’ve managed to avoid.

Can I just say one more thing about why this better f-ing work? Because we met people at C.actus C.antina last night and I did not have a margarita…that better not be for nothing people!

(thanks for reading along with my nonsense)

December 28, 2007. 2ww, iui #2. 17 comments.

Merry christmas!

It was so fun to read everyone’s christmas posts this morning.

We had a pretty good christmas on our end. Neither Mr H or I stuck to the limit we set so I walked away from the day with sparkly new diamond earrings and he is the proud owner of a new flat screen tv. It’s only money, right?!?! We both rationalized it by saying we’ve had a hard year.

The big surprise of the day was a very large check from my parents. I still haven’t read the accompanying note completely since I cry every time I start. While I still think they don’t completely get what we are going through, it was very nice for them to recognize at least one aspect of it. And it’ll certainly help the cause.

Since this is the first December break we haven’t gone out of town, we are gearing up for some home improvement and crossing things off our to-do list (like yesterday when I realized BOTH tail lights are out on the back of my car….oops). So today was the vet (poor little guy got a clean bill of health though) and the car. Tomorrow, we’re painting our bedroom. We’ve lived here 3 years and it is still two-toned from the previous owners…who for some reason, were very into two-toning rooms.

All of this is to trick myself into keeping busy and not perseverating on this 2ww. I am having such a hard time not being overly hopeful, given that so far, this is the best chance we’ve had. I promised I would not read into every twinge I get but it’s too late on that one. At least I know to not trust a single thing that comes from the boobs…they’re dead to me. For some reason, the pr.ometrium isn’t having all of the same side effects it did the last 2 times I took it. I am free flowing, not backed up at all! Of course, this makes me wonder if it is really working.

Enough ramblings. If you’re back at work today, I hope it’s at least slow for you. And if not, enjoy your vacay!

December 26, 2007. 2ww, iui #2. 12 comments.

37 million!

Mr H is feeling like quite the stud this morning. 37 mil is our best post wash count yet. It was also his best pre-wash at 109 million. My only concern now is that my husband likes bad porn way too much. On the drive to breakfast after his ‘appointment’, he ranted and raved about the selections in the man room, that it was mostly just guy on guy. He went as far as to say it caused a derection and that I shouldn’t get my hopes up for a good number. So now I’m a little worried about him.

Now the balancing act starts. That fine line between hope and realism. Hope brings about expectations….which just leads to disappointment. It is so hard not to be excited about this cycle. They’re sure I had at least 3, maybe 4 follicles. Add the count results to that and how can a girl not get her hopes up?!? But I had such a hard fall earlier this month, I want to do a better job at not setting myself up to be hurt like that. They scheduled my beta for Jan 7…which will be 16dpiui…that is SOOOOO long. How on earth I am going to manage to wait THAT long? Time to make a trip to the dollar store I think

In other news, still fighting this stupid cold. Took a 3 hr nap today, hoping that kicks it out of my system. And I managed to come up with some holiday cheer last night. We had fun decorating the tree and I wrapped all of the presents. It does make me smile to see the tree all decorated, the stockings, and of course, the presents! Out to dinner and drinks with some friends that are back in town for the holiday. I’ll be trying the subtle, nursing one drink thing. We’ll see how it goes.

December 22, 2007. 2ww, iui #2. 14 comments.

Protected: more ramblings

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December 21, 2007. family, feelings, iui #2, ramblings. Enter your password to view comments..

Protected: morning wanding *update at bottom

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December 20, 2007. family, iui #2. Enter your password to view comments..

Kind of a blah day.
Came home from work early hoping to catch up on some sleep to kick this cold. As ridiculous as it sounds given what I’m doing to get pregnant, I actually am very anti-medication. I hardly ever take anything (well, again, aside from all these IF meds). Last night I caved and took some nose spray so I could breathe. Still ended up waking up around 4 all congested. So while the cl.omid side effects are gone, I still can’t freaking sleep.

Had a really hard time with my f.ollistim injection last night. It was almost as if the needle was dull, I couldn’t get it to pierce the skin and then when I did, it really hurt. As long as it all got in there and works though I’ll be ok. I really hope I’ve still got 4 growing at a decent size when I go in tomorrow. Although I don’t know how you ivf ladies do it, my right side already feels uncomfortable, like someone is pinching me on the inside.

Wish I had something more exciting to post about, but everything is just blah here.

December 19, 2007. injections, iui #2, sick. 9 comments.

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