I know I said I was going to move forward but I wanted to get out why I disappeared for so long.

I became really hesitant to continue blogging after a what I thought to be a private conversation got put up on someone’s blog and I was NOT portrayed in a good light.  Not only were snippets of the conversation were taken out of context but she said things in the blog that she certainly did not say to my face.   The snippets did make for good sound bites, I’ll give her that.  And if I only had said those phrases then maybe about half of what she said about me could be true.  But not only was that not the whole story, it wasn’t her story.  Partly I think it was done because we were discussing a hot, controversial topic among new moms.  Her blogging it wasn’t even the worst part though…the comments.  Holy shit the comments.   Depending on my mood they made me laugh hysterically or cry hysterically. 

At times I felt ridiculous for even caring, as the whole thing really is straight out of junior high.  (yes, it was called junior high back in my day, there was no middle school).  But I decided it doesn’t matter how old you are, a betrayal still hurts.  Being attacked and gossiped about by people who don’t know you still hurts.  Reading something about yourself whether it be on a blog or on the locker room wall still hurts.  We’ve all still got a 13 year old in us somewhere.

Having seen the dark underbelly of the internet really made me question the medium.  I’ve come to the conclusion that blogging is a wonderful way to get support, make connections, find like minded people, and even learn a thing or two.  And all I can control is my actions.  And I’m going to make sure that I’m a better blogger.  I don’t mean blogging more often, although I hope to do that, but I guess blogging more mindfully.  There’s an awful lot of drivel out there and I want to make sure I’m not adding to it.  Doesn’t mean I still won’t vent about stupid people.  But I won’t compare them to child molesters or suggest that someone call protective services as he or she is unfit to parent.  I’ll just call them stupid..

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August 1, 2011. ramblings, support. 5 comments.

Workin for a livin

Look at me, 2 posts in 2 days!!

Just a little disclaimer that posts like this used to drive me CRAZY, so I won’t be the least bit offended if someone decides not to read.

I went back to work in January then took another leave in mid February. I say I did this because Sweetness needs PT but in really, it was for me. Work was fairly understanding and let me come in just one day a week.

I’ve had a love/hate relationship with working one day a week. On one hand, I love being home with Sweetness. She is just the most fun right now, learning something new every day. But I am someone who hates not giving 100% and not doing my job well. And being in 1 day a week just sucked. I would start dreading it the day before. I would have to spend the beginning part of the day getting caught up in changes to treatment plans and then would spend the rest of the day feeling completely ineffective because while my position is important to the development of the program, in terms of day to day operations, I’m not missed that much. And feeling that replaceable kind of sucks.

So starting in April I’ve been going in 2 days a week. Mostly to ease myself back into full time, which will have to happen in May. And that thought I really hate. I’ve gotten over all my issues with the Spanish speaking nanny. I made myself some flashcards and we’ve gotten pretty good at communicating to each other. As an aside, I think she really appreciates the effort I’ve made to learn some Spanish (the other family in the nanny share just calls her son to translate for her) and suddenly it seems that she knows more english than she did before. But I just don’t want to work full time at all. I know it is short term and that in September I’ll be job sharing, working 3 days a week…but I don’t want to do that either.

This will probably be controversial and I am not saying that fertile parents don’t love their kids, but I really think that in light of everything it took to get Sweetness here, I don’t want to miss a single second of her growing up. I could care less that I hardly ever shower, that money is tight, that today I left the house with dried up Puffs on my shoulder. What I care about is that she takes her best naps snuggled up on my chest, that her whole body smiles when Mr H or I walk into a room, and that her giggle is the sweetest sound I’ve ever heard in my entire life. I don’t want to take a single moment of all that for granted because I know that I am incredibly lucky and blessed to have been given such a gift.

Of course none of this is news to anyone. Most working moms miss their kids during the day and wonder if they are doing the right thing. But for some reason, the idea of working sends me right back to the brink of being depressed all the time. And I hated when I was depressed all the time. Plus I always figured that I was depressed all the time because I wanted a baby and couldn’t have one. Now I’ve got the baby and the depression comes back?!?! I don’t think it’s PPD, since she’s almost 8 months old, just ‘plain ol I hate how some things in my life are’ depression.

Which is equally ridiculous because I really am the luckiest person in the world. And I know it. I’ve got a husband who is an equal partner in pretty much every way and a healthy happy baby. What right do I have to complain??

There are no good answers here I know. We have no money and are slowly blowing through our savings. And while we’re very lucky that Mr H’s job is extremely secure, as is mine, it is still a bad time to be out of work. I guess mostly I’m just surprised that if we won the lottery, I would walk away and not look back. I always thought I’d be a super mom and wouldn’t want to give up my career. But now it’s career….what career? And super mom…what a joke!

Kudos to you if you’ve read through all these ramblings. I so miss blogging, getting it out there usually helps me to see everything clearer. Here’s to getting over myself, right?

April 20, 2009. ramblings, sweetness, work stuff. 16 comments.

My 18 year old self mocks me-and other random thoughts

Lots of little things today

– First, I just realized that tomorrow is my blogversary! Wow–I thought I had missed it. I find it impossible to even think about how I functioned without all of you!

– Back in high school I worked at the mall (yeah C.laire’s) and in the summers I used to watch the 50 year old women and pregnant ladies walk the mall each morning and night. And boy did I judge them. I would never get out of their way and always thought that if they really wanted to exercise they should get out into the world. I may have muttered that on occasion. Well last night I met my mom for dinner at the super big mall near us. The restaurant was at one end. After dinner, she had an errand to run at the complete other end and asked if I wanted to come along. When we reached the store all completely out of breathe (well just me, she was fine) I realized this was SOOOO much better than dragging my butt back out after getting home and walking in the still 90 degree heat. And then on my way home today I did it again. It felt good to check off 35-45 minutes of walking before getting home today. Who have I become?

– According to other well-meaning ladies, I managed to be a horrible mother twice in the span of 20 minutes, and of course this is all before the kid is even born. First, while getting gas, some random older woman came up and told me that under no circumstances should I be pumping my own gas because didn’t I know the fumes would be bad for the baby. WTF and mind your own f-ing business. The fumes obviously did something to your brain you batty old lune. How on earth would it possible for someone to go 9 months without pumping gas??? And then in the check-out line at the grocery store this perfect 25 year old mother a 2 year old and an infant looked in my cart and said, ” Yeah, when I was pregnant, I tried really hard to eat all natural and organic foods. And I think my kids are better for it”. STFU–I highly doubt the kid will come out orange because I had the nerve to eat some mac and cheese. You know, the good powdered kind, full of all sorts of nasty chemicals. So yeah, I’m going to be a horrible parent, but at least I won’t be a know it all ass (damn, I totally should have said that)

– While at the mall I noticed two women. One was also pregnant and had the perfect body and was wearing the shortest short shorts. I can’t they make maternity shorts that short. Seriously, she looked better in them than I ever would when 8 months pregnant. So I hate her. And then a little public service announcement to a different short short wearing young 20-something. If one is going to wear shorts that have less coverage than some underwear, please take care of your personal hygiene. One should consider a good thorough wax. Disgusting

– Mr H has been out of town all week for work. I never sleep as good when I’m by myself and you can see this turns me into a pretty snarky bitch. Worst part is that they are staying at this amazing golf and spa resort. He called me after work on his way to the pool to sit in the lazy river. I wanted to kill him.

Think that is enough random thoughts for now. I had other things spilling through my head all day but most of them got kicked out by my super annoying gas and grocery outing. Oh–and thanks for agreeing that those undies were defective. Mr H said I should return them—like I would really waddle my big ol ass into a store and say that these ripped on me and I want my money back. That is only good for a hazing ritual or something, no way I would ever do that!

July 30, 2008. ramblings. 16 comments.

no one gets it

No one else in my life, even those who know that it took us 2.5 years to get here, seems to understand that I’m still scared and still don’t believe this is really true. I’m scared to buy more maternity clothes and am fine alternating between the 2 pairs of pants I have. And I can’t even begin to think about nursery bedding, cribs, registering, or all that other stuff. And names! Suddenly people expect us to have a name ready. It’s all so crazy to me. It all seems so far away. I can’t help but think that it’s all wishful thinking on my part. I look at some other people’s blogs and they all seem to together, already doing all those things. I will admit that I got temporarily giddy with excitement after the ultrasound and keep looking at the one little outfit my cousin got me….but I’ve lost the giddiness. And then of course I feel bad that this little girl isn’t getting the best of me and will someone stumble across these postings years from now and think that I wasn’t thrilled beyond words or that I didn’t want her enough.

Years ago I had an PTSD related anxiety disorder that I did work through, my therapist would always make me talk about my ‘death thoughts’. It took years before I could rationalize away each thought as it popped into my head. Well now I don’t have thoughts about me dying, but of this baby. And I can’t rationalize them. I know that part of it is because I never really dealt with the chemical pregnancy (or whatever it was) in November. But all I keep thinking is if that pregnancy could be taken after a week….why can’t this after 20? There’s really no rhyme or reason to all this…and I like both rhyme and reason.

I keep telling myself that I should be out of this funk, that I’m doing a disservice to every women still in the throws of treatments by not reveling in the fact that I managed to get lucky. But I can’t shake it….

uggg…I hate what IF has done to me….

May 2, 2008. pregnant, ramblings. 24 comments.

bad blogger

I know, I’ve been a very bad blogger. I keep coming up with all these great posts in my head at night and then by the time I can actually blog, they’re long gone and all that is left is this horrible cycle of “I’m excited, I’m scared, I’m excited, I’m scared”. Throw in a random “I think I’m gonna hurl” and you’ve pretty much summed things up for me.

I really hate that my blog has recently become a laundry list of everything I’ve been doing or that’s going on, so I’m trying to avoid that. And I hate that I feel stuck in this in-between land, still fighting all the demons of infertility while simultaneously feeling cramps, pangs, and all these other symptoms of this little thing growing inside of me. Don’t know how to avoid that though.

My cousin sent me a link for a sale at some maternity shop and asked if I had started shopping yet. Seriously!! After I composed myself, I wrote back joking that, at 7 weeks, I didn’t quite need that just yet. Apparently, at this point in her first pregnancy, she already had a small stash of maternity clothes, since it made sense to buy things on sale. Just crazy

Again, another nonsense post with no real direction, but that’s kind of how I feel lately. I’m going through each day without direction. I drag my tired butt out of bed each morning, stumble through work, then stumble my way to my private clients most nights, stumble home and go back to bed. I’m direction-less. I used to have direction and was highly motivated towards my goal. I was going to get pregnant. Every early morning as I dragged myself out of bed, I had a direction…going to the clinic at some pre-dawn hour to check on my progress. That’s what got me through everything else. Then at night, I had another direction, whether it be a pill or a shot. Now, no real direction. Doesn’t that seem crazy?!? I reached my destination. I should be happy, not wandering all over again like before I started treatments. Not sure how to find my new direction…any ideas from some of you ladies who made this trip already? There needs to be a mapquest for all this crap.

Ok enough of this. Want to say a quick thank you to the Order of the Plastic Ute (aka. the DC Bloggers) for a fantastic get together Saturday. Girls night in is one of my fave things…and this one was even better because I didn’t have to pretend to nurse a beer, dump it when no one is looking, then fill it with water. Pretty lame, I know

January 29, 2008. pregnant, ramblings. 12 comments.

more ramblings…

I still don’t know where to start when I sit down to write. I can tell you a few things though. Without a doubt, working a 15 hour day is NOT a good idea. Yesterday just about killed me. Oh, and the old saying ‘Never wake a sleeping baby’ also holds true for someone in her first trimester. My stupid (oops, I mean wonderful) husband keeps waking me up. He doesn’t want me to sleep too much. I’m about ready to kill him.

On to my mental health. I came to the realization Monday night, after staring at that little ultrasound picture but cautioning myself and not allowing myself not to think more than 1 week into the future, that I’m completely kidding myself. I’m certainly not protecting myself. If this whole thing heads south, there is no way on earth I could be prepared for it and I would most certainly be devastated. So…I decided to enjoy this and try to live my life like a regular pregnant (did you catch that….I said it) lady. I still know that we’ve got a long way to go, but one of the things the ultrasound tech said stuck with me. She kept pointing to the screen saying, “That’s your baby”. She did not say what was in my head, “That’s a random clump of cells that may or may not become a baby in 9 more months”. She simply said, “That’s your baby” with a huge smile on her face. There’s a big difference in those two sentences. I want to think positively. I’m currently more pregnant than I’ve ever been…and for all I know, this might be as much as I get. I’d much rather enjoy it, than be miserable.

Of course I say enjoy it, and I am, for the most part. Thing is, all day long, I’m really afraid that every time I open my mouth, copious amounts of vomit will spew forth. Now I’m not typically a puker…and I’m really hoping I don’t become one. But pretty much all day long, I feel like I’m about to. It’s much worse in the morning and at night. Mid day is when I get down right ravenous, eating one lunch around 11 and another at 1. I’m just crossing my fingers that it means the little heart is still beating.

Ok, enough rambling. Maybe someday I will put together a coherent post. Now it’s back to bed for some DVR

January 24, 2008. pregnant, ramblings. 15 comments.

Long time no blog

Sorry everyone. I’ve gone back and forth between not knowing what to say and not having the energy to type. Tons of thoughts running through my head though so this might be a long one!

– I caved and bought a book. And after not allowing it in the house for 2 days, I actually took it out of the car over the weekend. I realized late last week that I am really good at being infertile. I know alot about it. Ask me anything, if I don’t know the answer, I’ll be able to find it quickly. However, I know absolutely nothing about being pregnant (there, I said it). I’m afraid I am not going to be good at it. So I bought a book and proceeded to get annoyed with said book less than 1 chapter in because of this “We all know if takes 2 to conceive a baby but it takes a minimum of 3-mother, father, and…health care professional…” Really, took a few more than 3 people for me! So that book has been put down and I still know nothing.

– thank you for all of your help and suggestions about my blockage problems. With a careful diet of Kashi cereal for brekkie, prunes to snack on all day, and at least one other meal containing beans, I’ve gotten it under control. Gas, heartburn, and constant low grade nausea have stepped in. I’m not complaining though…in fact, I welcome every burp and stomach roll. Helps me make it to next Tuesday.

– I knew that newly p-word people are tired. I’m Ok with that because I love to sleep. What I did not expect was being drop dead exhausted…and not being able to sleep. I’m typically up for 2-3 hours each night, regardless of if I nap during the day, what time I go to bed, etc. Luckily, my boss sent me home today to take a nap and work the rest of the afternoon from home. (and look how I’m thanking her, by catching up on all your blogs and posting)

I swear I had a ton more posts in my head, but I have no idea where they went. Of course I’m convinced that they were my best thoughts yet…like when you forget to hit save and lose a paragraph of your paper. You re-write it, but you know what you originally had was SO much better than the drivel you’re coming up with now. That’s what this post is, drivel.

One week to ultrasound. We’re heading up to Long Island this weekend for my niece’s baby naming. So that’s 3 days that will help me get my mind off it. We’ll drive home Monday and then just one more sleep! I’m guessing we’ll be stopping at every single rest stop between here and NY…my bladder has got a mind of its own lately.

Thanks again for the advice and support. I think I’d go crazy without all you ladies!

January 15, 2008. p-word, ramblings. 21 comments.

142!!!!!!!!!!

I was hoping for something over 50, since it’s still really early. Betabase has the average hCG for 13 dpiui as 36. But 142! That far exceeded my expectations. I have my follow ups on Monday and Wednesday. It’s going to be a looong weekend, those pee sticks aren’t going to know what hit’em! Well, they will, I just have a feeling I’m going to be grabbing one every time I go to the bathroom.

I had prepared myself for a lower number and had convinced myself that I wasn’t going to get as caught up in everything as I did last time but the nurse’s message was SO different. Last time she said things like, “well, it’s officially positive” and “come back in 2 days, we need to ride this out.” This time first thing she said “I have good news”, said congrats 3 times, and that it was a nice high number given that I was testing early. Since she’s a medical professional, she’s got me all excited. I recognize that I only believe her when she says things I want to hear. That I’m like the woman with the cheating husband, ignoring the lipstick and being gone all hours and just focusing on the fact that he bought me some grocery store flowers.

I really need to protect myself. I know this isn’t a sure thing. Neither one of us has mentioned the p-word yet. I remember back when we were first trying and every single cycle I would figure out my due date with those online calculators. I’d think of the season, what type of clothes I’d be wearing, would it be really hot, would I have to worry about slipping on ice? I thought all of these things monthly, and always got my heart broken. Still haven’t gone to any of those sites and done that, I almost don’t want to know. First, it would be admitting it and second, it would make it far too real. Don’t get me wrong, I’m absolutely giddy with excitement, but I’m trying to do the cautious optimism thing.

January 4, 2008. p-word, ramblings. 44 comments.

what to say?

I’ve been reading all of your eloquent end of the year posts and am left somewhat speechless. I really do not know what to say.

As ready as I am for 07 to be over, it being over brings to light all of our failures from last year, the broken promises and expectations, the tears, the arguments. Part of me doesn’t want it to end, because if it doesn’t, then there’s still a chance. Don’t get me wrong, there were some good moments too…most notably suddenly realizing I’m not alone in all this crap. This IF community is the one silver lining in all this crap. I remember calling Mr H on the way home from my first get together with the DC ladies back in August. He asked how it was (because I was SOOOO nervous beforehand) and if it made me sad, did we only talk about IF stuff. I said great, that they were all normal woman and we talked about normal stuff. He replied that of course everyone was ‘normal’, but that is when it first struck me, that I was still a normal person, just a normal person dealing with a ton of crap. And it took meeting this fantastic group of women to make me realize that I wasn’t some sort of freak or something.

So 07 does have some things lined up in the plus column. But what scares me the most is that in 2008 our journey to get pregnant will, for better or worse, be over. That’s not to say we won’t have a family, but this is the year that will determine if we have a biological child or not. And that scares the crap out of me. As I sit here convinced that this IUI did not work, I wonder how much more of this I can do. I really do not think I can be one of those women doing IVF after IVF. I’m so emotionally fragile as it is, I don’t know where I will find the strength for all that.

So while 2007 brought some disappointment with it, 2008 brings unknowns…and that to me is scarier.

I’ll try to end on a positive note here. We are making the yummiest dinner tonight. Filets topped with lobster. So excited for our surf and turf! Not sure what the sides will be, but they aren’t that important to me. Last year we decided to stay in, make ourselves a nice dinner, open one of the good bottles of wine, and just celebrate quietly and it was one of the better new years. This year I’ll be good and only have a small sip of wine but I’m so excited for dinner!

I hope everyone has a wonderful night and 2008 brings us whatever it is we dream of!

December 31, 2007. feelings, iui #2, ramblings. 14 comments.

Lots of random things

My brain is all over the place today. Here’s just a small sampling. And just a warning, there’s one WAY TMI question, it’s last so feel to skip it if you don’t want to know that much about me.

– the sports bra trick is no longer as effective as it used to be. Today I went down the stairs too quickly and ouch! Makes me mad that it’s just pr.ometrium.

– while we’re talking about pr.ometrium. I f-ing hate it. I must have gotten lucky last time around and it didn’t mess with my mood. But now I’m borderline clinical. I swear, I wouldn’t get dressed at all if Mr H didn’t need to be constantly entertained. Being off work definitely doesn’t help. I’ve got nothing to take my mind off of every little twinge.

– When I logged onto y.ahoo this morning, they had a piece about this preacher that has come up with (and is of course selling) the Adam and Eve diet. I am not posting a link because I do not want to give this anymore attention than it has already gotten. Seriously people?!?!? Of course their diet was healthier, there was nothing fried, no doughnuts, breads, candy, soda, chips, cookies, etc, etc. They probably ate nuts, berries, and the occasional small animal they managed to catch. Oh, and don’t forget about the fruit! I just hate how people package up the same recommendations in different ways to make money and the fact that this preacher has wrapped it into a religious context irks me even more. I’ve been ranting about this all day long to just about anyone who’ll listen. Thanks for being a captive audience.

– so you may remember yesterday when I posted I was up for 2 hours with really weird cramping. I made the unfortunate mistake of giving my kitty some lovin‘. So this morning, at 4:13 I felt a cold little nose rubbing mine purring. Very cute, but I was very much asleep. I felt really bad kicking him out of the room. I was then up for the next 2 hours wondering why I didn’t have those weird intense cramps anymore. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t

ok, here’s the tmi question. It’s for all you ladies who’ve used the f-ing pr.ometrium suppositories. They cause me to get quite….um….irritated. I’ve got all these little, painful bumps down there. Last time I freaked out and called the dr, thinking I had somehow gotten some random disease from the actual iui. I’ve tried changing the pantiliner more often, ‘freshening up’ more often. I even went a little more daring in my last bikini wax but I think that made it worse. Any tips, advice, assvice….anything? It really freakin hurts. Plus, I’m vain and I made myself Ok with having a moldy looking cooch but it is completely different story when you’ve got a moldy cooch with sore-like things on it. Nasty. If I had the slightest interest in sex, it’s loooong gone.

Counting down the days until vacay is over, haven’t crossed half of the things off the to-do list…but I have taken plenty of naps!

December 29, 2007. ramblings, side effects. 12 comments.

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