Song of the….whenever I feel like it

I completely dropped the ball on this. At first I was upset but then I realized that something I do for fun on my blog should not add any more stress into my life. From there I decided to do a SOTW post whenever the mood struck me.

This yet another Ellis song. I know, it’s a little ridiculous that so many of the songs I’ve picked have been by him but….that’s why he’s my fave. This song came across my Ip.od driving home from work tonight. It was playing as I was thinking about my answer to some of the book tour questions, namely, am I paying attention to what I need to be paying attention to? It is something I’ve really been struggling with, especially as I get deeper and deeper into this IF craziness.

Live in the Now from the album Carnival of Voices
I’ve got a farm house,

It’s a big white farmhouse
And forty acres in my head

You got a kitchen,
It’s an oak floor kitchen
And a big brass feather bed

And there in the parlor,
An old upright piano
And a precocious blue-eyed kid
Playing the keys
Playing the keys

Live in the now
A room with a view of Cambridge
Live in the now
Traffic, noise, and neighborhood kids

We’re sitting in the kitchen
You reach cross the table
And put a finger on my wrinkled brow
You say, “Live in the now,
Live in the now”

‘Cause life is what happens
When you’re busy making plans
That’s what John Lennon said
Then he quit the fuckin’ band

Tell me which part
Is it the castle, or the sand
That you miss when the tide comes along?

I’m alone on a highway
Only silos break the view
A field of sunflowers
A scarecrow paying dues

And I think to myself
“Man, that’s not what I’d choose ”
But here I am, and look where I’ve gone
All for the song
Till the tide comes along

Live in the now
An audience is waiting
Live in the now
Whose day are you creating?

I slip into to the hotel
I put the phone on a pillow
Your voice makes it better somehow
You say, “Live in the now”
“Live in the now”

Two lines in this really get to me: “Whose day are you creating?” and “I think to myself, man that’s not what I’d chose, but hear I am”. “Whose day are you creating” I certainly wish I knew. Because a lot of the time, it’s not often a day I want to be a part of. I need to make sure I’m paying attention to the things that matter to me and that make my day. I feel like I end up in that latter situation FAR too often. Things aren’t how I want, but here I am, gotta go with the flow.

I don’t know if I’ve been paying attention to the right things but from here on out, I’m going to Live in the Now

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October 31, 2007. Song of the Week. Leave a comment.

Ellis Paul/God’s Promise-with interview

September 27, 2007. Song of the Week. 1 comment.

Song of the Week

More like Song of the Fortnight or something.

I’ve been thinking quite a bit about faith and my old views of religion and God. I promise this won’t get too heavy. This is another E.llis Paul song. It is actually Woody G.uthrie’s lyrics set to music by Ellis.

G.od’s P.romise
from the album
I DIDN’T PROMISE YOU
SKIES PAINTED BLUE
ALL COLOR’D FLOWERS ALL Y’R DAYS THRU
I DIDN’T PROMISE YOU SUN WITH NO RAIN
JOYS WITHOUT SORROWS
PEACE WITHOUT PAIN

ALL TH’T I PROMISE
IS STRENGTH FOR THIS DAY
REST FOR MY WORKER AND LIGHT ON Y’R WAY
I GIVE YOU TRUTH WHEN YOU NEED IT
MY HELP FR’M ABOVE
MY UNDYING FRIENDSHIP
MY UNFAILING LOVE

I NEVER DID PROMISE YOU
CROWNS WITHOUT TRIALS
FOOD WITH NO HARD SWEAT Y’R TEARS WITHOUT SMILES
HOT SUNNY DAYS
WITHOUT COLD WINTRY SNOWS
NO VICT’RY WI’THOUT FIGHTIN
NO LAUGHS WITHOUT WOES

ALL TH’T I PROMISE
IS STRENGTH FOR THIS DAY
REST FOR MY WORKER MY LITE ON Y’R WAY
I GIVE YOU TRUTH WHEN YOU NEED IT
MY HELP FR’M ABOVE
UNDYING FRIENDSHIP
MY UNFAILING LOVE

I SURE DIDN’T SAY I’D GIVE YOU
HEAVEN ON EARTH
A LIFE WITH NO LABOR NO STRUGGLES NO DEARTHS
NO EARTHQUAKES NO DRYSPELLS
NO FIREFLAMES NO DROUGHTS
NO SLAVING NO HUNGERS NO BLIZZARDS NO BLIGHTS

ALL TH’T I PROMISE
IS STRENGTH FOR THIS DAY
REST FOR MY WORKER MY LITE ON Y’R WAY
I GIVE YOU TRUTH WHEN YOU NEED IT
MY HELP FR’M ABOVE
UNDYING FRIENDSHIP
MY UNFAILING LOVE

I PROMISE YOU POWER
THIS MINUTE THIS HOUR
THE POWER YOU NEED
WHEN YOU FALL DOWN TO BLEED
I GIVE YOU MY PEACE AND MY STRENGTH TA PULL HOME

MY LOVE FOR ALL RACES ALL CREEDS AND ALL KINDS
MY FLAVORS MY SAVOURES MY CREEDS OF ALL KINDS
MY L O V E FOR MY RACES ALL COLORS ALL KINDS
MY L O V E FOR MY RACES ALL CREEDERS ALL KINDS
MY SAVOURES MY FLAVOURES MY DANCERS ALL KINDS
MY DANCERS MY PRANCERS MY SINGERS ALL KINDS
MY FLAVOURES MY SAVOURES MY DANCERS ALL KINDS
Words by Woody G.uthrie, 1955 Copyright 2002 Woody G.uthrie Publications, BMI (This version edited by Ellis P.aul from a longer piece.)

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Sorry for the all caps

I need this is a little spiritual reality check…I’m not promised anything, only the power to make it through this minute. ‘The power I need when I fall down to bleed’…maybe it’s the part about falling down (or more likely bleeding) but I listen to this song on repeat far too often. If this was back in the day of tapes or records it’d be worn thing but I gain such strength it. They’ll be ‘no victory without fighting’…but I will fight!

Here’s a video of the song if anyone is interested. Starts with an interview, the song starts at 1:42.
Ok… so I can’t figure out how to do the video in this post…it’ll follow

September 27, 2007. Song of the Week. Leave a comment.

Song of the Week 3

I’m back on track this week. This song isn’t quiet as depressing as my last choice. It was actually written for September 11th by a folk singer I follow, Mark E.relli. So it’s appropriate for the anniversary but I also love the chorus. It always helps me get back on track when I’m moping around on CD 2 or 3.
**disclaimer–this is an anti-war song. If that will offend you, I wouldn’t even bother continuing.

The Only Way
Mark E.relli

I read the paper
I watch the news
It seems there’s only pain and sufferin’
And there ain’t much I can do
It’s so senseless
I feel defenseless
So small

I could shut my windows
Bolt my doors
But if I don’t feel safe enough
To speak my mind anymore
Then what’s the use
I’ve nothing left to lose
And no farther to fall

So I’m gonna love
I’m gonna believe
I’m still gonna dream
I’m gonna roll up my sleeves
Give everything until I’ve nothing left to give
That’s the only way that I know how to live

It was a nightmare
No tongue can tell
How the streets of New York city
Looked just like the gates of Hell
In a flash
The smoke and the ash
Came falling down like rain

But they circled wagons
They gathered round
As they bravely pulled their brothers
And their sisters from the ground
And I know
That I owe them more
Than to be afraid

So I’m gonna love
I’m gonna believe
I’m still gonna dream
I’m gonna roll up my sleeves
Give everything until I’ve nothing left to give
That’s the only way that I know how to live

Why seek vengeance?
What comes of war?
I know freedom has a price
But it doesn’t keep score
It’s too much to swallow
It’s left me hollow
After all this time

I won’t tell you
What to believe
Cause I’m too young to be so cynical
And too old to be naïve
But if every action
Breeds a reaction
Let this be mine

So I’m gonna love
I’m gonna believe
I’m still gonna dream
I’m gonna roll up my sleeves
Give everything until I’ve nothing left to give
That’s the only way that I know how to live
Copyright Mark Erelli/Kill The Messenger Music, ASCAP
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I regularly get strength from this song. It helps me stay optimistic, hopeful and to keep dreaming…that’s the only way I know how to live. The other line that speaks to my IF thoughts is that I’m too young to be this cynical about getting pregnant, but also too old and experienced to be naive about this anymore. I think he’s (and I know I certainly) miss that naivety.

Again, if anyone wants the mp3, just let me know. The only version I have of it is actually a cover but it’s still really good. And please, post any thoughts you might have. I’d love to get a little discussion going!

September 11, 2007. Song of the Week. Leave a comment.

Song of the Week #2

Here’s my second go with the Song of the Week. Given the recent round of BFN’s I thought this one was appropriate. It’s short, but the message is sweet. If anyone would like me to email them the mp3, just let me know. This is one of my favorite singer/songwriters, E.llis Paul. I think he is just amazing and I tend to stalk him whenever he’s in the area.

If You Break Down
from the album Ellis Paul Essentials

If there comes a day
where you wish the clocks
could roll backwards
in the cover of night
you’re begging the stars to stay
asking satellites
to stop and help you to remember
how to picture the world
before everything had changed

If you break down
I’m at your shoulder
Take me at my word
You can break down
I will tell you over and over
A reliable sound is coming around
If you break down
A reliable sound,
I’m coming round
If you break down

If fear comes without invitation
and lays its head in the green within your eyes
if it’s paralyzing
I will wake you
We will walk a thousand paces
walk away, walk away
till you are walking on your own

If you break down
I’m at your shoulder
Take me at my word
You can break down
I will tell you over and over
A reliable sound is coming around
If you break down
A reliable sound,
I’m coming round
If you break down

____________________________________________________
This song will often make me cry. Before I got married, this was the partner I was looking for, someone who would walk for me when I couldn’t. Luckily, I found him. Then all this IF crap started. And again, I’m looking for someone to pick me up when the fear is paralyzing. I wrote this out and sent it to a friend who had a miscarriage. She said so many of the lyrics spoke to her…picturing the world before everything changed, the paralyzing fear in her eyes all the time, and the comfort in knowing that someone will be there to catch you when you break down.

So once again, that’s my 2 cents. Please add your own thoughts, I’d love to hear them

oh, and it’s off topic but thanks for the help with bloglines, I’m all signed up and ready to go!

August 29, 2007. Song of the Week. 1 comment.

Song of the Week

I started to talk about this a little bit yesterday but here’s the scoop. One of my favorite artist posts a SOTW on his message board weekly (duh). We all then talk about the song, how we interpret the lyrics, what it means to us, etc. I love it. I love reading about what the songwriter was thinking as the song was written and I love reading about other people’s thoughts about the song. It is amazing how two people can take the same exact lyrics and music yet walk away with two different interpretations of what happened. I guess you could think of it as a book club of sorts for music lovers.

For the last few months I’ve been flagging different songs in my I.tunes that either make me feel better, help me to wallow, or help me to put into words all of the thoughts swirling around in my head. I’ve got quite a little collection going now and figured I would put it to good use.

My thought is that I’ll post song lyrics once a week. Whenever I can find a link to the song, I’ll post that too. I’ll give you all my 2 cents on the song (if its even worth that much) and then would love to hear what you think. I may be the most tone deaf person I’ve ever met with quite possibly the world’s worst voice but I absolutely love music, all types, and I find it so helpful and I love hearing about new music and sharing mine.


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Well that got long.

Song of the Week #1

“This is My Song!” by Carbon Leaf

Here is the link to their website. Here you can listen to a sample of the song on A.mazon. It’s only a 20 sec clip but it’ll give you an idea of the song style and tempo.

This is My Song!
My name is Luck, this is my song
I happened by while you were gone.
Oh well…
I apologize that I could not stay
But I hope good things swing your way
I know they will… here’s your horseshoe
So best of luck to you

From the stable running brave
From the cradle to the grave
This is my day, this is my song!
I am alive… what can go wrong?
If we’re on our way-oh, ok let me know
If we’re on our way-oh, ok then, let’s go

My name is Hope, Luck just ran out
He said he’d return, without a doubt (ah, but don’t you believe him!)
Oh, I happen to have a message from Love
She told me she knows what you’ve been dreaming of
My name is Hope, this is my song.
When things go wrong

From the stable running brave
From the cradle to the grave
This is my day, this is my song
I am alive, what can go wrong?
If we’re on our way-oh, ok let me know
If we’re on our way-oh, ok then, let’s go

Through the windswept countryside
Across the great divide
From the stable running brave
From the cradle to the grave

This is my day, this is my song
As long as I’m alive what can go wrong?
If we’re on our way-oh, ok let me know
If we’re on our way-oh, ok then, let’s go
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whew…Longest post ever…

Alright, my favorite thing about this song, and why I picked it as the first song, is that it’s fast, up beat, and I can’t help but be in a better mood after listening to it. “As long as I’m alive what can go wrong?” That always helps to put me into perspective. Also the emotions in the song seemed to correspond to many of my IF emotions. First there’s Luck, that pops in quickly in the beginning but can’t stick around, so no “oops” or first month trying bfp’s for me. Luck wasn’t with me for long enough. Then Hope comes in…and says don’t trust a word Luck has to say. Hope definitely is in it for the long haul. And then the best part for me, she’s spoken to Love and knows exactly what I want and what I’m dreaming of. And then it all comes back to being alive and moving on our way

Alright, that was a lot of build up for a really short opinion on the song, but after all that I’m even more tired than I was before. If anyone wants a full version I’m more than happy to email it to you.

Please feel free to post any of your thoughts…do you love it, hate it (I really won’t care, I didn’t write it), feel nothing…

August 22, 2007. Song of the Week. 3 comments.

ah, the irony

I can not believe how tired I’ve been this week. Last week I gave a 4 day training and this week I’m doing another 5 day training. Not only does it wipe me out but the sound of my own voice is killing me at this point!

And whenever I’m doing these trainings I procrastinate like nobodies business. For some reason, I just can’t get myself to do the rest of my work. It’s horrible. I’ve been sitting on this article I’m writing for Washington P.arent magazine but every time I go to work on it I get so stuck on the irony of it all….an infertile writing an article for a freakin parenting magazine…give me a break!! Even thought it’s a professional article, I feel like I have no business being in the magazine. Like I’m completely not credible. And I better be flipping pregnant by the time the article gets published because it will KILL me to have to see myself in there. I’m sure it’ll be right next to some cute little baby ads or something like that.

Enough of my little tired. I’m trying to work out some of the kinks for my Song of the Week idea, trying to find some of the songs online so I can post links to them. Hopefully I’ll get it worked out tonight.

August 21, 2007. Song of the Week, work stuff. 2 comments.

Mondays…

I’m wondering if I’m ever going to feel rested on a Monday?

I’ve always been a bad sleeper but last night was exceptionally bad. The cat woke me up around 4:30. I rolled over onto my stomach (I can usually always fall asleep like that) and (TMI alert) my nips felt like someone was sticking daggers through them. Now I’m only 2 dpo and don’t usually ever even think symptoms (I’ve been too conditioned by all my failures). Of course that then sent my mind racing for the next 2 hours…which was just the time my alarm was supposed to go off!

So now I know I’m going to drive myself crazy for the next 2 weeks. I know it’s way to early but it’s out of my control at this point, I know I’m not going to be able to stop. I never know which is better…no hope at all or that little tiny glimmer. And why does that glimmer have to occur at 4 am…I would have been just as excited if it happened during normal waking hours.

I’m doing a training all week and I really feel bad for the poor folks that had to spend 7 hours with me today. I don’t think I made any sense at all. Guess we’ll be doing a lot of review tomorrow morning!

Also, I’m toying with the idea of a Song of the Week post. A folk singer’s message board that I’m on does that and I love hearing other people’s interpretations of the artist’s words. Music is always so healing for me and I have so many songs that have spoken to me along this journey. I might start it this week. You can rest assured that it will not be a weekly Monday post!!

Had a fantastic dinner with the DC ladies last night. I really appreciate how you all welcomed a newcomer into your group. I had a great time but wanted to apologize for being so quiet and withdrawn at first (that is so not me). Last night was the first time out of the IF closet and only the 2nd time I’ve spoken about all of this with anyone besides Mr H or my doctors. It was a little weird at first. But it was great to be with normal people who are all going through this. I am so excited to meet the rest of you ladies.

Off to see what’s in the DVR and settle into bed for the night!

August 21, 2007. 2ww, DC GTG, Song of the Week. 8 comments.