First, thank you for all of your words of encouragement and good wishes. I am so unbelievably blessed to have all of you ladies in my life.
This morning I feel like I’m in Las V.egas. All day I’ve been thinking “Big number, big number, no whammies, big number!” My fear is that just like in LV, the house always wins. Doesn’t matter what game you’re playing; injectibles, C.lomid, IUI, IVF…the IF Hotel and Casino has the edge.
I know this is a horribly negative way to think and I really do want to be excited and enjoy this moment but the truth is, I’m scared out of my mind. I go back and forth on if I’m having any symptoms. Definitely some cramping over the weekend, but for the most part that’s gone. Other than that, most of the other symptoms can be blamed on the Pr.ometrium.
So nothing to do but wait…and keep thinking “big number, big number”!
Alternatively titled: Ignorance would be bliss.
This is yet another thing infertility has taken away from me. If this was November 2005, I would have peed on those sticks and been pregnant. I’d just be pregnant. And excited beyond belief. None of this beta or cautiously optimistic crap. Although I’d probably be complaining about the sore boobs, headache, and nausea while now I’m psyched about them. (I felt really sick eating dinner about an hour ago and was actually disappointed that I didn’t throw up….that’s pretty messed up).
I know that this is completely out of my control and is a complete miracle. So why do I feel like I’m on a teeter totter…going back and forth between being excited, thinking “right at this moment in time, I’m pregnant and that is amazing” to already starting the grieving process, thinking “there is no point getting excited about this because in 3 days I’m going to find out this was just a chemical pregnancy”. I do know that I need to protect myself. I guess, I wish I didn’t know that I needed to protect myself. Because I’m not doing a good job of that, of being protective. With each cramp or wave of nausea, I say hi to my little poppy seed and thank God that it’s there. I’m already starting to imagine the next few months (and years for that matter). And yes, I’m saying “if this sticks, ….” but that doesn’t mean that I’m not planning for the future. And this could all be some huge cosmic joke. Maybe I royally fucked someone over in a past life and now they’re getting even with me. Because this wasn’t supposed to happen. And now that it has, those big thick walls I’ve put up around my heart and soul are slowly fading.
So ultimately, I know enough to realize that this has a much higher likelihood of NOT working, but it’s not my brain that is making all these decisions. I’m just praying to pretty much every higher power out there….surely one of them will come through for us, right?? I’m not asking for a second miracle, just that this one continues….until mid July or so.
While you’re here, please go vote for Mel from Stirrup Queens. She is such an amazing support and we’re lucky to have her in our community. Vote for Stirrup Queens for Best Medical/Health Issues blog (you can vote once a day)
No, this isn’t the Song of the Week post, I’m a little behind this week.
This is all about me trying to get through the next 30 days or so before we can start our IUI. And the worst part is…I picked this! We could have started right now, but we decided to sit out a cycle. It made complete sense at the time. It would give us time to figure out all of our insurance stuff, I was feeling really rushed way back when we had to make the decision, and my brother is getting married May 24th and I thought I’d have a better chance of making it to the wedding if we started treatment cycles in October instead of September.
All of those reasons still make sense. And they’re all pretty much still true (our insurance is still a pain in the ass, I’ll probably always be scared when we start this, and my brother is still engaged).
Problem is I’m stuck waiting. And waiting is not a strength of mine. And I’m putting a crazy amount of pressure on myself this cycle. This is our last chance naturally, our last chance before requiring a team of people with a whole lot of letters after their name, our last chance to have the fairy tale. Now there is no reason to think that this cycle will be any different. But I know that I’m going to be extra neurotic and extra hopeful…and I’m just not sure what I’m going to do about it. It just sucks to knowingly set yourself up for a fall.
Yikes, I asked her to it to chin length, instead I got jaw, just a bit over my ears! I guess that is what I get for going to the teaching schools, you just can’t beat a $12 hair cut though. It’ll grow back, right?!?
Nothing new to report, anxiously waiting for my follow up on Friday. I’m sooo not a patient person. I’ve always known that but the constant waiting of IF just wears me down.