Look at me, 2 posts in 2 days!!
Just a little disclaimer that posts like this used to drive me CRAZY, so I won’t be the least bit offended if someone decides not to read.
I went back to work in January then took another leave in mid February. I say I did this because Sweetness needs PT but in really, it was for me. Work was fairly understanding and let me come in just one day a week.
I’ve had a love/hate relationship with working one day a week. On one hand, I love being home with Sweetness. She is just the most fun right now, learning something new every day. But I am someone who hates not giving 100% and not doing my job well. And being in 1 day a week just sucked. I would start dreading it the day before. I would have to spend the beginning part of the day getting caught up in changes to treatment plans and then would spend the rest of the day feeling completely ineffective because while my position is important to the development of the program, in terms of day to day operations, I’m not missed that much. And feeling that replaceable kind of sucks.
So starting in April I’ve been going in 2 days a week. Mostly to ease myself back into full time, which will have to happen in May. And that thought I really hate. I’ve gotten over all my issues with the Spanish speaking nanny. I made myself some flashcards and we’ve gotten pretty good at communicating to each other. As an aside, I think she really appreciates the effort I’ve made to learn some Spanish (the other family in the nanny share just calls her son to translate for her) and suddenly it seems that she knows more english than she did before. But I just don’t want to work full time at all. I know it is short term and that in September I’ll be job sharing, working 3 days a week…but I don’t want to do that either.
This will probably be controversial and I am not saying that fertile parents don’t love their kids, but I really think that in light of everything it took to get Sweetness here, I don’t want to miss a single second of her growing up. I could care less that I hardly ever shower, that money is tight, that today I left the house with dried up Puffs on my shoulder. What I care about is that she takes her best naps snuggled up on my chest, that her whole body smiles when Mr H or I walk into a room, and that her giggle is the sweetest sound I’ve ever heard in my entire life. I don’t want to take a single moment of all that for granted because I know that I am incredibly lucky and blessed to have been given such a gift.
Of course none of this is news to anyone. Most working moms miss their kids during the day and wonder if they are doing the right thing. But for some reason, the idea of working sends me right back to the brink of being depressed all the time. And I hated when I was depressed all the time. Plus I always figured that I was depressed all the time because I wanted a baby and couldn’t have one. Now I’ve got the baby and the depression comes back?!?! I don’t think it’s PPD, since she’s almost 8 months old, just ‘plain ol I hate how some things in my life are’ depression.
Which is equally ridiculous because I really am the luckiest person in the world. And I know it. I’ve got a husband who is an equal partner in pretty much every way and a healthy happy baby. What right do I have to complain??
There are no good answers here I know. We have no money and are slowly blowing through our savings. And while we’re very lucky that Mr H’s job is extremely secure, as is mine, it is still a bad time to be out of work. I guess mostly I’m just surprised that if we won the lottery, I would walk away and not look back. I always thought I’d be a super mom and wouldn’t want to give up my career. But now it’s career….what career? And super mom…what a joke!
Kudos to you if you’ve read through all these ramblings. I so miss blogging, getting it out there usually helps me to see everything clearer. Here’s to getting over myself, right?
comments on how big I am, how long I’ve been pregnant, or how much longer I have to be pregnant I will not be held responsible for my actions. And yes, I know my ankle bones are MIA but it’s hot and you see, DC was built on a swamp so it’s also humid and nasty. And yes, I know I should stay off my feet but I work in special ed and I can’t really tell all these cute little kids that I need to rest for 15 minutes and could they please find something to do…because they won’t, in fact, they’ll probably just play with their poo and since I don’t want to clean it up, it is much better for me to just not take that break.
Have plenty of updates for everyone if I ever get a spare minute. Had a little scare last week with the old irritable ute acting up. Got the complete pre-term labor workup (none of you mentioned just how unpleasant those cervix checks are) but all is well and I should be resting more. HA!!! But I do love that my ob’s office takes everything seriously and brought me in instead if just dismissing everything I said.
And I also know I haven’t been commenting a ton lately….but I am reading. This was my 2 minute get off my feet break…back to work now ;(
So I have some real posts in the works; including some pictures from the wedding last weekend, some medical news I got that I’m still iffy on, my progress with NaComLeavMo, and of course, potential family drama. But first I need to yell and scream for a minute.
There’s a young girl here at work that I can not stand. She’s just horrible immature and I have to have all these development meetings with her and basically tell her that she needs to think before she speaks and generally just keep her mouth shut more often. She’s always spewing gossip, is beyond un-professional, and at times, has violated confidentiality. She’s almost been fired for her big mouth. So this morning, I walk into a classroom a few seconds after her and she’s announcing for the whole world to hear, “I can’t believe I’m freaking pregnant, there is no way I’m keeping the thing”. Now IF Meghan outranked supervisor Meghan at this point and I just turned around. This hit me hard. I have always been pro-choice. I knew that I would probably choose to keep a baby but that the choice should still be up to me. But I just wanted to shake this girl. Without even clicking through my blogroll I can think of at least 5 people who would love to love this baby. I just wish I didn’t know.
(and to just add to the gossip-y badness of it, she’s been quite vocal about hooking up with a guy in another classroom so now the whole world knows his business too)
Sorry for yet another rant, I promise I’ll have some real posts up in the next couple of days
Why did I decide to POAS yesterday afternoon? Yes, I told myself that it was to make sure the trigger was completely out of my system like the Jen’s (he he, just like the Bob’s…great movie) suggested. But really it is because I enjoy torture. I should consider becoming a spy when all this is said and done because no one will ever be able to get anything out of me. I torture myself all the time…for fun even!! Anywho, naturally Friday’s pee stick was white as a ghost. But you see, I rationalized it because I tested in the afternoon and drank a ton of water that day. So this morning, what did a half asleep Meghan have to do??? You guessed it! Pee on yet another stick. And ya know what….the trigger is still out of my system! Now this is where I get good at the self-torture. I’m now telling myself that because I got up to pee in the middle of the night (around 2) that the test I took at 7:30 must not be valid….so tomorrow morning I’ll be at it again! Today is 10dpiui. Yes, I know its still early but still within the realm of possibilities.
Enough of that depressing crap. Let me tell you about my otherwise fantastic Friday night. My MIL always just writes us a check for the holidays and ever year we do something practical with it. And this year we were planning on doing the same. She’s overly generous with her gifts so it would almost cover all of my meds for this next IUI (if necessary). Instead, the fantastic Mr H tells me that his mom wanted to make sure we did something fun so instead she got us tickets to go see Av.enue Q. I’m pretty gullible and easily get excited for a night out. We go out to a fantastic to a place with a great pre-theater menu (I was so pleasantly surprised by this restaurant) and then walk over to the show. The whole time Mr H is telling me that his mom did a bad job with the seats, they suck, on and on. We get there, he walks right past all the ushers and brings me to front row center…right behind the conductor. I was so surprised! He did it all (and I should have know that his mom is not computer savvy enough to buy tickets for anything online). He actually got lucky and when he was buying the tickets last week he told the guy he was trying to plan a nice date for his wife b/c she’d been down lately and the guy at the box office upgraded him! See, it can pay to be miserable and depressed 😉 It was a fantastic show. One where you definitely want to be up close to see all of their facial expressions. I need to download one of the first songs, It Sucks to be Me. I see it becoming a key staple in my pity party rotation.
Today started out fun. Met my almost sister in law in Clarendon for a meeting with the florist. I just love her (my almost sister, not the florist, who was nice) and can not wait for her to officially be my sister. I am so lucky my brother picked someone I actually like. After that I had to rush home to change. I had meetings with 2 families today. Sucked to work 5 hours on a Saturday but that money should totally cover Christmas shopping this year.
And tomorrow is the cookie exchange with the DC Stirrup Queens. And that means I must get myself in the kitchen!!
Thanks so much for all the offers to join the pity party. I wish I could have everyone over for some yummy apps and a few bottles 😉
Nothing new to update. The witch is still playing hide and seek, I’m hoping she’ll come out tomorrow in honor of Halloween. Insurance should be re-upped by Thursday. So if she does show tomorrow, I’ll be able to get CD 3 testing Friday without having to pay and try to get reimbursed.
Had a crappy day at work, had to call protective services again for one particular family. The whole situation is just horrible and I hate knowing that there is nothing more I can do for them. Sometimes working in special ed really takes too much out of me. Right now I’d love nothing more than to just answer phones all day long for someone pseudo-important than be dealing with really-real real life problems. Plus I’m now the supervisor of someone who has been over me for the last few years and the transition has not gone well. I need to have a laying down some rules meeting with her and I’m dreading it.
Oh and last little thing, anyone know how I can change the date when I post something that’s been in my archives for awhile? I usually just cut and paste it into a new post but that’s a real PITA and I know there has to be a better way. As usual, I’m in need of some tech support. Thanks in advance
What a crappy day at work. One of the parents of one of our tougher students (I work with students with a.utism) said he was thinking of killing his son, his wife, and himself. And he expressed his plan…which as those of you in mental health know, that puts it up a few levels. So I spent my day talking to Child P.rotective Services and the police. I am just spent. This poor family is just a mess, it is so so sad. I managed to not cry about it all day until the father was placed under a suicide watch by the police, handcuffed, and brought to the hospital for a psych eval. He’s a good guy who just really really needs help and I’m glad he told us everything he did. I just hope this gets the family the help they so desperately need.
So by the time I left work it was too late to go to the gym and I just needed to be home. Of course, once home, I had to open a bottle of wine. And once it was open, it only made since to finish it. Wine and frozen pizza…talk about gourmet.
Heading to bed soon, Tomorrow has to be a better day.
1. for smart people. This is not meant to offend anyone who may not be smart, but I had such a great group of people in training that I was able to finish a day and a half early!! I think we’ve brought in the best group of new staff in years. I am so glad to be finished with that. I was actually able to finish moving into my new office today and actually feel like I can finally be productive again….although I haven’t started working on that article yet.
2. for weekends away. We just decided to go away for Labor Day weekend. We found a place where Mr. H (who, btw, is going to come up with a good blog name for himself, I’m sure you’re all on the edge of your seat) can play golf and I can go to the spa. We really need this. We’ve been so focused on saving money for all of our treatments. Quite honestly, I’m usually obsessive about each cycle and I’ve finally chilled out and accepted that it’s not going to happen on its own. The place we’re staying (w.intergreen resort for you locals) has 1 bedroom condos so we’ll have a kitchen and living area. There also happens to be a wine festival there that weekend, so they’ll be one little perk to not being pregnant!
I can not believe how tired I’ve been this week. Last week I gave a 4 day training and this week I’m doing another 5 day training. Not only does it wipe me out but the sound of my own voice is killing me at this point!
And whenever I’m doing these trainings I procrastinate like nobodies business. For some reason, I just can’t get myself to do the rest of my work. It’s horrible. I’ve been sitting on this article I’m writing for Washington P.arent magazine but every time I go to work on it I get so stuck on the irony of it all….an infertile writing an article for a freakin parenting magazine…give me a break!! Even thought it’s a professional article, I feel like I have no business being in the magazine. Like I’m completely not credible. And I better be flipping pregnant by the time the article gets published because it will KILL me to have to see myself in there. I’m sure it’ll be right next to some cute little baby ads or something like that.
Enough of my little tired. I’m trying to work out some of the kinks for my Song of the Week idea, trying to find some of the songs online so I can post links to them. Hopefully I’ll get it worked out tonight.